Super Gothic Furry Animals

My, slightly irreverant, outlook on the small furry creatures of the world. Don't take them too seriously - alright, don't take me too seriously - it's just me plunging off the diving board into the pool of insanity again.

• Hamsters
• Monkeys
• Badgers
• Bats
• Rats
• Men
• Bears
• Cats
• Dogs

Hamsters - a sound enough start I think. Desert mice without tails. You can keep them amused for hours just by installing a wheel. Funnily enough, exactly the sort of thing a bus driver needs (and what the mother-fooker that made me miss my flight back to Spain didn't use). In DQ's case, brakes might also be handy (not for her, but for the idiot tram driver that nearly turned her beloved BF into a hamster sandwich). Also, hamsters are nocturnal - hooray, move right past dawn without collecting 200 nuts.

Monkeys - oooo, where to start with this. Apparently a humans closest relative although I have to say that ex-wifelets mother had a more than passing resemblance to a large lizzard that likes to stamp on buildings in Tokyo. Did get arse-kicked by a 50-foot tall monkey in the sequel though. I especially like the way that chimps move around their cage in a zoo - usually to be photographed masturbating in the background of a cute family picture. Rock on hairy dude. Get your rocks off.....

Badgers - apparently the biggest carnivore in the UK - well, they only got that title when ex-ma-in-outlaw went vegetarian. Apparently, badgers can turn really nasty - well, they seem to when you put a firecracker up their.... suppose I would do the same. Fortunately, my arse is 'exit-only' so we'll never find out.

Bats - simplistically, flying mice who can't see. Little chuffers have got around this though - they have sonar installed. If you get the later versions they come with GPS - know about the wall you're about to fly into in advance. There are fruit bats, vampire bats but, this is the funny bit. Apparently, vampire bats get pissed on blood. Then what happens is they start talking about football, fall off their chosen horse and laugh hysterically until the horse steps backwards and SQUISH.

Rats - don't have a lot of time for them - usually about 3 seconds is enough for me to zap one. Thank Goth for laser sights. I know laser sights is a bit overkill but I just wanted the kill bit. Also, madam fox thought she'd found an easy take away - dead rats she could take home to feed her young pups. I was cool with that - no cleaning up dead rats for me - but I wasn't too pleased when she left a note in Foxese "take them to go but less Mayo and can I have a Latte, no cream but sugar please?".

Men - yikes I'm on dangerous ground here. Damned if I do say something and damned if I don't. I'll use some of the monkey thing then - wankers, one and all. Seriously, it's difficult for me to comment - I am supposed to be one after all. Ok - quick resume - furry bum, furry chin but no furry palms........enough said?

Bears - do not live in Jellystone park and polar bears do not eat penguins. Unless they've learned how to DHfookingHell them. They do bring comfort to small children in the teddy bear way but they also cannot scuba dive. This I know as I had to get my teddy bear rescued from the U-bend by the Chief of Police whilst he was visiting. I was only 4 years old and he had said "if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask". So I did.

Cats - my favourite. Has the attitude of a Goth - do what I want, when I want, stay out all night and, if you're lucky, you get to lick pussy *purrs*. Also have disgusting habits, like killing things and generally toying with their prey. Shit, sounds like being married again. Fook, I was married to a cat?? No wonder I can't tell left from right.

Dogs - oh dear, where to start here. What can you say about a species that is comfortable licking it's own bollocks?! They also have that thing where they leave messages for each other by pissing on trees/lamposts/tyres etc. Then they want to go out for a walk and pick up their 'wee-mail' and, even worse, expect you to be happy when they lick your face afterwards. Fook off, go and watch a porn movie - 'Lassie Comes Everywhere' is on.

And so, there you have the definitive guide to furry stuff in Goth World....well, it will be until tomorrow.

a luego,
S