"Life's a piece of shit, when you think of it" -> Monty Python. Yeah well, Monty must have been married, or tried public transport in Belgium or perhaps even both. Not allowed to see my offspring as I don't pay all ex-goths bills - fook the fact that she burned her way through more of the money I earned faster than a firestarter with a tanker of petrol and a box of matches. On top of that, when I did finally leave (banging my head against a wall was creating severe headaches) I let her keep everything, except my underpants and my guitar. Public transport here in Belgium just sucks. Still better than the yUK though - which isn't exactly hard.
"I think, therefore I am" -> Descartes. Hmm, I drink therefore I am an alcoholic? I eat therefore I am a pig? I have sex and therefore I cum? I smoke therefore I am illegal (oh shit, no, I'm actually on fire) - Sorry, Des and your cartes, I could plead guilty to all and also deny all. I drink and therefore I am drunk - hooray, much simpler.
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" -> Sun Tzu. A nice idea in principle but also flawed. I don't have any friends - kind of pisses on that idea then. I suppose I could make some papier-mache friends and have tea parties but then I would have to learn ventriloquism (the art of throwing one's voice). Boring conversations though.... "More tea vicar?" - "ess, id like dat pease, ow and get ur hand out of me bum".
"The shortest way to enlightenment is..." -> Confucious (renamed confusing in modern English). There is a second half to the statement but I got sidetracked by the chopsticks. I collect them, for no other reason than they make you feel big and clever in an oriental restaurant. Apart from the soup dish which takes fooking ages to eat with said chopsticks. Can't catch flies with the barsteward things either. Shit worked in the Karate Kid :-(
"I think the Oedipus complex is very true" -> Ziggy Freud. Freud, this is for you alone weirdo. I love my mum but apparently not in the same way you loved yours. No wonder he kept harping on about the "So" *strokes beard* "tell me about your mother" shite......him, not me I might add. If there's going to be any weird shite in my family I want to know beforehand so I can book vacations to the moon in time. Like the Reverend Bill Bailey warned *sing-a-long Chris de Burgh style* "Cousin in red, is dancing with me - beard to beard". Sorry Ziggy, way off my beaten track but I also recognise the time to run away really fast.
"Be Excellent to Each Other" - Bill S Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan - together, the Wyld Stallions from Bill and Teds Excellent adventure (kind of the same as Give Peace a Chance by John Lennon). If only we could all keep to this mantra - things would be so much simpler. Then again we could all smoke drugs and think that living on a yellow sumarine was a really good idea.