martes, enero 30, 2007

PM - Project Mis-management

Oh, the bullshit we have to endure at times. Marching into the Boss's office I announced "Look Boss, I can see this project going 'tits-up' faster than a mermaid falling backwards off her rock, if we're not careful". In quasi-Yoda-speak Boss responded "Young Jedi, you have learned fast; But project fail, we must not". I paused, contemplated this wisdom and added "Well, when it does disappear up it's own arsehole, I am not taking the chuffing blame for it".

I know it may not be the most subtle way to talk to the person who writes your pay-cheque but I have a 'disaster detection' gene. Boss suitably informed, I turned on my heel and left.

Now it was time to move into ACT (Arse Covering Technique) mode. This involves leaving a paper trail so obvious that even Stevie Wonder could see it. Then, when 'shit-for-brains' - also known as Project Manager, or one of their cronies, asks for some invariably idiotic request, the response is "you'll be putting that in writing then?". "Can't you just do it? It would only take you 5 minutes". DUH - Five of your minutes in your lunatic world to fuck the system up, and me about a day to back it out again. No thanks - I'll be 'butt-fucked' when I feel like it, which currently is 2057 years the other side of NEVER !!!

An example from 'Idiot Watch Diary' was the PM, (Project Manager - more aptly named Prickless Muppet) requested a change to the system that even a dead monkey could see was mental. Straight to the Boss's office, without PM (Paralyzed Maggot) in tow. "There is no fucking way I am doing what that gobshite has asked for" I declared. "Go on" said the boss in a tone of resigned acceptance, "Now what does wonder boy want?". I explained it in very simple but precise detail and it was fairly clear from Boss's increasingly alarmed expressions that my point was becoming understood. Unfortunately, PM (Poison Monkey) had decided to by-pass us and before our conversation was completed, the BIG Boss had phoned to say that we had tow the line and go-live with said lunacy. The end-customer (no pun intended, but usually true) was complaining and they wanted it live, on site, by Friday.

Terrific!! I trudged off to make an escape plan.

A few simple rules of thumb to bear in mind if you know things are about to fuck up:-

a = do not be there in the first place
b = if a) is not possible, get the fuck out, fast
c = for both, ensure that you can't be held accountable in any way, shape or form

So, firstly, I ensured that the only time I could install the abomination was late Friday afternoon. Secondly, that the first time PM (Pretentious Moron) could fire it up was when I was at least 200 miles away. Lastly, I checked that my paper-trail was flawless and my alibi, unshakeable.

This achieved, I sat down with a whisky and waited for the shit to hit the fan - which, with an unswerving predictability, it did in spectacular stlyle. I was in the supermarket the following morning when the mobile phone rang. I listened to the PM's (Pathetic Motherfucker) rant, "The whole system across Europe has gone down" followed by the usual "Wotcha gonna do about it?!" - Like I was going to fix his fuck-up?! I calmly replied "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone who actually gives a fuck".

Abuse, ranting, 'have your head' type bullshit followed - HA HA, like I care what you think PM (Premature Mutation)!!. Oh the joy to be had in a Monday morning board meeting. Sorry my arse is covered PM (Pitiful Management) wanker - bet that wasn't in YOUR project plan!! *speaks like the Emperor in Star Wars*Everything is going exactly as I predicted. Bwahahahaha

Moral to the story - Don't Feed the Goths - They May Bite !!!!!

a luego,

8 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

Haha for once I get to come first ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

P.S I just realised that the pet name you have for your women is ‘butterfly’ which is kind of cute. . .

As you know, on my site I have nice purple butterflies floating about some muppet of a child’s head.

Shite, I promised relevant comments that would have nothing to do with myself.

*think DQ, think*

SpanishGoth dijo...

For you my love, I can ensure you always come first - just ask and Goth will fix it ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

I can't comment on your poem as it won't allow me (but maybe this time you meant it). I don't know what your friend is going through but I wish her strength.

Did you write the poem?

Here's mine for when my own words fail me, which they often do:

She might find it a *tiny* bit relevant:

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeat with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn,
With every goodbye you learn. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Guilty as charged - I did indeed write it. There's quite a few more up on the net.

tx for your poem - I'll try and make sure she gets it.

Drama Queen dijo...

I knew you wrote. Its nice, should share with me the location of some others and I'll be sure to give them the once over :-)

Old Broad dijo...

The corporate world sucks, huh?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Only the secretaries I'm afraid ;-)