Oh, the bullshit we have to endure at times. Marching into the Boss's office I announced "Look Boss, I can see this project going 'tits-up' faster than a mermaid falling backwards off her rock, if we're not careful". In quasi-Yoda-speak Boss responded "Young Jedi, you have learned fast; But project fail, we must not". I paused, contemplated this wisdom and added "Well, when it does disappear up it's own arsehole, I am not taking the chuffing blame for it".
I know it may not be the most subtle way to talk to the person who writes your pay-cheque but I have a 'disaster detection' gene. Boss suitably informed, I turned on my heel and left.
Now it was time to move into ACT (Arse Covering Technique) mode. This involves leaving a paper trail so obvious that even Stevie Wonder could see it. Then, when 'shit-for-brains' - also known as Project Manager, or one of their cronies, asks for some invariably idiotic request, the response is "you'll be putting that in writing then?". "Can't you just do it? It would only take you 5 minutes". DUH - Five of your minutes in your lunatic world to fuck the system up, and me about a day to back it out again. No thanks - I'll be 'butt-fucked' when I feel like it, which currently is 2057 years the other side of NEVER !!!
An example from 'Idiot Watch Diary' was the PM, (Project Manager - more aptly named Prickless Muppet) requested a change to the system that even a dead monkey could see was mental. Straight to the Boss's office, without PM (Paralyzed Maggot) in tow. "There is no fucking way I am doing what that gobshite has asked for" I declared. "Go on" said the boss in a tone of resigned acceptance, "Now what does wonder boy want?". I explained it in very simple but precise detail and it was fairly clear from Boss's increasingly alarmed expressions that my point was becoming understood. Unfortunately, PM (Poison Monkey) had decided to by-pass us and before our conversation was completed, the BIG Boss had phoned to say that we had tow the line and go-live with said lunacy. The end-customer (no pun intended, but usually true) was complaining and they wanted it live, on site, by Friday.
Terrific!! I trudged off to make an escape plan.
A few simple rules of thumb to bear in mind if you know things are about to fuck up:-
a = do not be there in the first place
b = if a) is not possible, get the fuck out, fast
c = for both, ensure that you can't be held accountable in any way, shape or form
So, firstly, I ensured that the only time I could install the abomination was late Friday afternoon. Secondly, that the first time PM (Pretentious Moron) could fire it up was when I was at least 200 miles away. Lastly, I checked that my paper-trail was flawless and my alibi, unshakeable.
This achieved, I sat down with a whisky and waited for the shit to hit the fan - which, with an unswerving predictability, it did in spectacular stlyle. I was in the supermarket the following morning when the mobile phone rang. I listened to the PM's (Pathetic Motherfucker) rant, "The whole system across Europe has gone down" followed by the usual "Wotcha gonna do about it?!" - Like I was going to fix his fuck-up?! I calmly replied "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone who actually gives a fuck".
Abuse, ranting, 'have your head' type bullshit followed - HA HA, like I care what you think PM (Premature Mutation)!!. Oh the joy to be had in a Monday morning board meeting. Sorry my arse is covered PM (Pitiful Management) wanker - bet that wasn't in YOUR project plan!! *speaks like the Emperor in Star Wars*Everything is going exactly as I predicted. Bwahahahaha
Moral to the story - Don't Feed the Goths - They May Bite !!!!!