So after a weekend of shite with nothing of interest to talk about (footy team got rogered, I got bollocked for smoking where I shouldn't - again - and a distinct lack of naked ladies dancing around my peripheral vision) I am going to have to draw upon my knowledge of mythical creatures for inspiration.
Goblins - don't know exactly what they do, or why. I'm fairly positive that contrary to what their name suggests, they do not wander around offering oral sex to any passer by. Of course, I could be wrong and if so, I have obviously been taking the wrong mushroom laden path through the forest. Yikes, can you get dental floss in a forest? Must be able to otherwise the life of a goblin must be very unhygienic.
Elves - famous now thanks to Lord of the Ring Pieces. Apparently can live to be a thousand years old and never run out of arrows to shoot at unsuspecting Orcs. Incredibly beautiful but prone to very eighties hairstyles - oh, and they never get dirty - ever. Presumably, they never go to the toilet either - no chance of getting caught short in the forest then.
Wizards - contrary to popular belief, they don't play pinball after all. They are prone to shiny balls which they like to rub and moan wise things. Pointy hats are the fashion, oh and a nice flappy cape type thing. Get my vote though as they like to smoke - even if it is stuff in a pipe (sounds eerily familiar).
Fairies - prance about singing and lifting up their skirts at passers by. King of the Fairies, Sir Elton of John would be better placed to describe their role but he's busy writing a new song - Lightbulb in the Wind to commemorate someone crashing into a tree or something. Usually have high pitched voices but get a lot of seasonal work when it's pantomime season.
Ogres - big dumpy green things as made famous by Wayne Rooney - sorry, Shrek. Not really sure what they do but they can fart Waltzing Matilda without a song sheet. Guess that makes them Australian then - bit like Kylie Minogue (although I've never been to one of her fart recitals). If ogres are Australian they probably enjoy barbies, tins of lager and Skippy burgers oh, and get really arsey if they miss an episode of Neighbours. Like to shag small furry animals - Home or Away.
Unicorns - basically a horse with an ice cream cone on it's head. Quite how it got there is anyone's guess but the Pixies can take their share of the blame. Definitely avoid at pantomime season - when someone shouts 'he's behind you' it's probably too late and you're already a kebab. Ouch, coned where the sun doesn't shine on tv (aha).
Mermaids - ha, must avoid the she smells like fish gag DOH too late. Ok, half chick/half fish. Prone to sitting around on rocks with their baps out. Something to do with making sailors crash their boats. Shit works too. Anytime some gorgeous young lass waps her baps out on me, my forehead meets the nearest tree/lampost THWACK!!!!!
Vampires - the undead which is pretty cool, get to wear the funkiest clothing but can't have sex. That's a bit pointless then. What's the point of being able to hypnotise the young girl with super airbags, she undresses and then WAP - you bite her neck. Fucking moron, there's probably more blood in the love pillows anyway!
So there you have it - the definitive guide according to S World. Some people have to smoke all sorts of shit to get this weird. Works the opposite way on me I guess. Start fooked up, smoke half a pound of black and then start pissing about with debit and credit ledgers and wondering where the nearest Ikea is.