Guest Blogger - Horace Hedgehog

All in all, I can't complain about life as a hedgehog. Wandering around, mainly at night as it is far more preferable than during the day, eating out most of the time and sleeping when I feel like it. Granted, if someone tries to poke me, the sharp points come out on display and hopefully, with a pricked ego they piss off like a burst balloon. Although I keep myself in shape with plenty of exercise and trying to eat healthily it's an absolute bugger trying to find something in my size.

The only other thing I can truly complain about is sex. That can be a truly traumatic experience. Pain in the arse doesn't come close - well, that's not entirely true but, when faced with a prickly female, the obvious temptation is to say "bugger this for a game of mammals" and to head off with the lads to have a few 'snifters' instead. I'm not sure exactly what raises females hackles to such an extent but I can be positive about two things. It will be my fault (even if I'm not there - kind of like remote control irritation) and even if, as is sometimes true, it is actually my fault, by the time I realise it, it's too late.

It was so much easier as a youngster rather than the 'full grown pig' I get called now. Back then, us youngters would go out, have fun, roll around in the mud and get chastised when we returned. The main thing to remember was to never give a straight answer - being asked the question, rather obvious I felt anyway, "Oh my nerves - you look like you've gone through a hedge backwards". Silly question really as I was covered in mud and twigs everywhere. No answer was the best answer.

Now in adulthood, getting faced with a similarly silly question like "You've been out all night, where have you been?" cannot be met with a stonewalling silence. Similarly, the older males become very territorial if you are in their prescence with a better head of hair or a better coat. "Piss off out of here you prickless wonder". Amazed, I wonder whether to reply that at least mine is straight but as I quite like the shape of my nose as it is, retreat seems more intelligent. Not as if she was worth it anyway - didn't look like she was up to suckling anyway.

So I carry on my way, checking carefully before attempting to cross the road - as I was brought up. I've seen the dangers that ensue if you don't follow that simple rule. Thanks for the platform Goth Master.

Best Regards,
Guest Hogger

No problemo HH - if you logged in expecting my usual lunacy, I apologise, but I applaud HH's efforts. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow :-)

ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C)