martes, marzo 06, 2007

Guest Blogger - Horace Hedgehog

All in all, I can't complain about life as a hedgehog. Wandering around, mainly at night as it is far more preferable than during the day, eating out most of the time and sleeping when I feel like it. Granted, if someone tries to poke me, the sharp points come out on display and hopefully, with a pricked ego they piss off like a burst balloon. Although I keep myself in shape with plenty of exercise and trying to eat healthily it's an absolute bugger trying to find something in my size.

The only other thing I can truly complain about is sex. That can be a truly traumatic experience. Pain in the arse doesn't come close - well, that's not entirely true but, when faced with a prickly female, the obvious temptation is to say "bugger this for a game of mammals" and to head off with the lads to have a few 'snifters' instead. I'm not sure exactly what raises females hackles to such an extent but I can be positive about two things. It will be my fault (even if I'm not there - kind of like remote control irritation) and even if, as is sometimes true, it is actually my fault, by the time I realise it, it's too late.

It was so much easier as a youngster rather than the 'full grown pig' I get called now. Back then, us youngters would go out, have fun, roll around in the mud and get chastised when we returned. The main thing to remember was to never give a straight answer - being asked the question, rather obvious I felt anyway, "Oh my nerves - you look like you've gone through a hedge backwards". Silly question really as I was covered in mud and twigs everywhere. No answer was the best answer.

Now in adulthood, getting faced with a similarly silly question like "You've been out all night, where have you been?" cannot be met with a stonewalling silence. Similarly, the older males become very territorial if you are in their prescence with a better head of hair or a better coat. "Piss off out of here you prickless wonder". Amazed, I wonder whether to reply that at least mine is straight but as I quite like the shape of my nose as it is, retreat seems more intelligent. Not as if she was worth it anyway - didn't look like she was up to suckling anyway.

So I carry on my way, checking carefully before attempting to cross the road - as I was brought up. I've seen the dangers that ensue if you don't follow that simple rule. Thanks for the platform Goth Master.

Best Regards,
Guest Hogger


No problemo HH - if you logged in expecting my usual lunacy, I apologise, but I applaud HH's efforts. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow :-)

ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C)

17 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

John the Baptist, please, and I'll be back asap about Horace.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Will see how the voting goes but I'm guessing it's for Friday as I may not get chance to post tomorrow or Thursday...

Shaz dijo...

I vote (a) . . . why, why, why Delilah I don't know

Drama Queen dijo...

C) Please. Is that the one with the baby in the basket?

Also I can't believe you picked a hedgehog as a guest blogger over me

*hmmmm*

SpanishGoth dijo...

So - one vote each. That's not very clear cut then is it?

DQ -> Thought you were busy - you will get your chance.....

Teeny dijo...

I'm voting C too, because it's the only story I know well enough to fully appreciate your, um, unorthodox treatment...!

Remote control irritation - bwah ha ha! Horace has a fan over here. Can I borrow him to be guest blogger at mine?!

SpanishGoth dijo...

I'll have a word with Horace but I'm sure he'd agree. He'd need a topic but don't make it too high brow - he's quite low on the ground, being a hedgehog and all.

So Moses is in the lead by ONE

Drama Queen dijo...

Oh so Teeny wants the hedgehog too!! That's fine. . .

Busy? Moi? Whatever gave you that idea. . .

PI dijo...

That's really weird! In that period beteen early morning waking and drifting off again I had a vivd dream that I opened a hatch (as in dinng room) and a hedgehog scuttled out of it.
They have dear little faces but a predilection for ticks.
John the Baptist! But I'm happy with Moses.

Drama Queen dijo...

*period beteen early morning waking and drifting off again*

Oh PI how I wish I could turn the alarm off and drift off again. . .

Mmmm.

Ariel dijo...

I like Horace. It's not often one encounters a blogging hedgehog, a very streetwise one at that. He seems a tad neurotic, granted, but at least he's reasonably pleased with his lot. How many of us can say that, uh?

Aunty Marianne dijo...

Also a Horace fan. More please.

John the Baptist, als je blift.

Calamity Jane dijo...

I vote A for Samson & Delilah - bound to be hot stuff.

Jolly good show Horace!

phoenix dijo...

moses please and i've no idea who came up with my new name, was a suggestion from a lovely bloggy friend, but i'm finding it quite befitting at the moment;-)

MKWM dijo...

Horace, you'd better put your skates on when crossing the road... We like you and look forward to reading you again on this platform. I wonder whether the expression "mad as a bag of hedgehogs" exists.


Goth Master, to please us all, it will have to be a)+b)+c), with all the necessary Orthodox treatment (bear in mind I know all these stories). While you are at it, write a d) for me so that I can update my blog and be banned in China at last... I'm too busy working and sweating a lot in the hammam lately.

Phoenix is quite befitting indeed as I mentioned a while ago on DQ's blog.

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

I don't see why the female hedgehogs have anything to complain about. They get the soft underbelly rather than the pricks.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Bloody crikey - Horace will be back I promise.

Pi -> what's early morning? is that when the bar closes?

DQ -> how I wish I could turn you on (eek too much information)

Ariel -> welcome my love, Horace dictated as his typing skills suck

Aunty M -> think Horace may be a regular weekly guest

CJ -> Samson & Delilah..hot stuff? We'll see

Phoenix -> like 'lovely' - reminds me of you

Minky -> that'll be Greek Orthodox then? Try my best over some Ouzo

Gorilla -> 'soft underbelly' - mmm sounds familiar?!