John The Baptist

So apparently, John was a baptist - Yabbidy Doo Dah. I'm so happy for him I could....well, shit or something. I mean, come on, some fucker half-drowns people and thus they are saved? That's easy - you just take your foot off their head when they start spluttering .... "VOILA" - they're saved. How hard is that then? Apparently good enough to get you a mention in the bible - now there's food for thought.

Anyway, back to the beginning, not the very beginning as that would be silly, but the beginning of Johns life. Shazam !!! John is born, in the usual way, with lots of screaming and covered in mucus etc, and he grows up in a typical egyptian type way (i.e. tea towel on his head and wanting to start fights with everyone for no reason). *Note - should have fucked off and built a pyramid or something equally constructive*.

But, John had an epiphany (posh way of saying 'what the fuck am I doing?' - smoked some drugs and decided peace was the way).

Thus John invented baptism, the art of throwing people in a river (who couldn't swim), pullling them back out and saying "You're saved !!". So, he was christened *lol* as 'The Baptist'. Not, John 'The Pissed', (which is rather closer to the truth), or John the 'swimming teacher' 'or even John the 'Thats not fucking funny dude'. Ergo, John and swimming came together, which is nice, if you know what I mean.

*Note - swimming is a very fine art, perfected I think by fish, who can swim, and breathe underwater, and are all called BOB *.

But John just threw these miscreants into the water and said "kickest thy legs" and they replied "gonna kick your arse if you don't get me out of this water" - so he did, and they did, and there was lots of didding in a biblical sort of didding way.

Therefore, his reputation spread and the queues were plentiful, of people wanting to get tossed in the water, and John did a lot of tossing off, the banks, and was even thinking of going on tour when *bam* - he realised the drummer had been underwater for too long and wasn't actually wet, wet, wet - more dead, dead, dead.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader was still sucking air and hissed "You are my son" and John replied "but my name's not Luke" and so Darth Vader cursed and, in a dark way floated off muttering "I'll find the bastard somehow, somewhere, under a rainbow".

Whilst Jon Bon Baptist was on tour, his chick decided she was bored and sold him out. Well, she wanted to be famous and she was a talentless whore so she struck a deal. "You will be famous if you bring me John's head on a silver plate", so she did, and the scribes did some scribing, as is their want, and John had an apple in his mouth because it would look good in the bible pictures.

Then John laughed so hard at his own joke that he fell off the plate and drowned, because he had no arms or legs and couldn't swim. He was last seen sinking and burbling "This is an outrage!!!!"

And thats how baptism began.

a luego,
S