domingo, marzo 25, 2007

John The Baptist

So apparently, John was a baptist - Yabbidy Doo Dah. I'm so happy for him I could....well, shit or something. I mean, come on, some fucker half-drowns people and thus they are saved? That's easy - you just take your foot off their head when they start spluttering .... "VOILA" - they're saved. How hard is that then? Apparently good enough to get you a mention in the bible - now there's food for thought.

Anyway, back to the beginning, not the very beginning as that would be silly, but the beginning of Johns life. Shazam !!! John is born, in the usual way, with lots of screaming and covered in mucus etc, and he grows up in a typical egyptian type way (i.e. tea towel on his head and wanting to start fights with everyone for no reason). *Note - should have fucked off and built a pyramid or something equally constructive*.

But, John had an epiphany (posh way of saying 'what the fuck am I doing?' - smoked some drugs and decided peace was the way).

Thus John invented baptism, the art of throwing people in a river (who couldn't swim), pullling them back out and saying "You're saved !!". So, he was christened *lol* as 'The Baptist'. Not, John 'The Pissed', (which is rather closer to the truth), or John the 'swimming teacher' 'or even John the 'Thats not fucking funny dude'. Ergo, John and swimming came together, which is nice, if you know what I mean.

*Note - swimming is a very fine art, perfected I think by fish, who can swim, and breathe underwater, and are all called BOB *.

But John just threw these miscreants into the water and said "kickest thy legs" and they replied "gonna kick your arse if you don't get me out of this water" - so he did, and they did, and there was lots of didding in a biblical sort of didding way.

Therefore, his reputation spread and the queues were plentiful, of people wanting to get tossed in the water, and John did a lot of tossing off, the banks, and was even thinking of going on tour when *bam* - he realised the drummer had been underwater for too long and wasn't actually wet, wet, wet - more dead, dead, dead.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader was still sucking air and hissed "You are my son" and John replied "but my name's not Luke" and so Darth Vader cursed and, in a dark way floated off muttering "I'll find the bastard somehow, somewhere, under a rainbow".

Whilst Jon Bon Baptist was on tour, his chick decided she was bored and sold him out. Well, she wanted to be famous and she was a talentless whore so she struck a deal. "You will be famous if you bring me John's head on a silver plate", so she did, and the scribes did some scribing, as is their want, and John had an apple in his mouth because it would look good in the bible pictures.

Then John laughed so hard at his own joke that he fell off the plate and drowned, because he had no arms or legs and couldn't swim. He was last seen sinking and burbling "This is an outrage!!!!"

And thats how baptism began.

a luego,
S

26 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Peace is the way. So I won't ever argue with you, Goth Master.

Shaz dijo...

Thank god I can swim!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Ah - but thats cos you've got arms and legs. John was famous for just being a head on a plate....

Drama Queen dijo...

Ohh. I'm tired and can't think. I also don't know much about the real John but thought I'd come here for a little lie down anyway. Give me some more of the duvet dammit!

SpanishGoth dijo...

*fluffs up and a pillow, places it under her weary head and drapes his best duvet over her*

Drama Queen dijo...

Ahhh. *bliss*

Drama Queen dijo...

Are you leaving Teeny out of your links on purpose?

She's hinted and everything, you know.

SpanishGoth dijo...

No - wouldn't be so petty. It's just that everytime I go into the bloggy editor it won't let me add any new links.

Anyway, I've kind of frigged it for now.....

Tippler dijo...

Ah, Salome. The world's first pole dancer.

Except she wasn't a Pole...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Didn't she end up as a pizza ingredient???

Tippler dijo...

No, that would be her mate.

Olive.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hee hee - we're turning into Cannon and Bollocks.... and I thought her best mate was Marguerita...

Tippler dijo...

They used to dance as the floor show at some place called the Quatro Stagioni

SpanishGoth dijo...

So, being completely bored, I just buggered off to the Pizza Hut site to look up something I could use as a gag when, the first thing I see is, and I kid you not HAND-TOSSED PIZZA who IS this pizza girl?

*Falls off chair laughing*

Tippler dijo...

Dunno, but I'd like to meet her.

And, hey, when I went to that health conference last week I was given several business cards. One by a very attractive lady.

Her name?

Kliti Hoti.

What were her parents thinking...

Teeny dijo...

I can just imagine a christian stumbling across this blog and spontaneously combusting in rage - Jesus was a pothead and J the B was a homicidal maniac...

Thanks for the link (and thanks for the plug Queenie!). I was starting to wonder if I had to have some kind of initition rite to get on your blogroll... Which worried me, frankly.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Rest assured Teeny - no initiation required in here. This is a world where people can relax, kick back and be cool - unless you're a religious nut, in which case "Look out - a lion !!"

Tippler -> love to see that card and the attached Kliti - sounds like a perfect topping to me *ho ho, bum bum, hee hee*

Drama Queen dijo...

Ssssh!! Some of us are trying to sleep in here. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Calm down my love *strokes her hair to send her back to sleep again*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oh and Teeny, apparently someone visited today having googled '"adam and eve" birthday god eden' - oops. Wasn't quite what they were expecting methinks....

zoe dijo...

have you been taking those pills again ? i told you not to.

btw, you may have missed the comment, but you know when you were in shitty o'keas watching the rugby and some fat guy asked you if you were using your stool ? that was the twat.

phoenix dijo...

i have nothing to say but

every day you make me smile
and draw me in to rest a while

that was my attempt at a poetic thank you for making my days that little bit happier just by reading your posts *bows in appreciation*

mutleythedog dijo...

I was in Kittys that night - what was going on? Love the post did you mean me? **smiles seductively**

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

Hé well! Fortunately, that the Daphne fairy of the waving of a magic wand transformed me into apple tree! Me which was maitre swimmer rescuer!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Zed -> No pills, just start off naturally weird and it all goes downhill like an elephant on a skateboard. And yes, I had seen the comment but it wasn't my coat

Phoenix -> very nice my dear, and making you smile is a pleasure

Mutleys -> general St Paddys lunacy if I recall (but I did get free food and drinks - hooray)

Dip-dop -> the only magic wand Daphne has contain batteries I believe LOL

Kieran dijo...

Send that to Mel Gibson, he'll put it in the cinemas.

For the record, I was actually there at the time, and John the Baptist was ace - essentially he started the first Woodstock.