Scary Monsters, Super Creeps....I Think Not

Having read posts about dentists (monsters), suicide (creeps), moving house (not super) and getting told off for obssessing about that stupid book that gets left in hotel rooms by people who think anyone actually reads it, I decided I had two choices, as it's Friday. Have a rant (which I am entitled to do - if I wanted to be treated like a twat, I'd grow a leg on either side and wear knickers on my head) or go crazy. Fuck it - it's Friday so I chose the latter.

I did a post about mythical creatures a while back entitled Goblins and at the time someone asked me to expand on it so here goes. Most of these are movie type monsters and creeps but feel free to suggest any you might know, be they cow-workers, ex-friends or just the receptionist at the dentist.

Ghosts - the apparition of a dead person who comes to haunt you. Oooooeeeooo - I'm so scared.....NOT. If Casper the freak can walk through walls he's hardly going to be able to give you a ruddy good punch on the bottom then is he? Now if I was a ghost, I'd be right on the ethereal phone to Swayze saying "you managed it in the fim Ghost - how did you kick the can?" (as opposed to 'kicking the bucket' which is why you got deaded in the first place). Answer - special effects, nothing more, nothing less.

Werewolves - basically a man-dog, bad breath and probably able to lick their own bollocks I suppose (it's a dog thing). Anyway, just carry a load of bonio dog biscuits in your pocket, like jesus did, and when the werewolf approaches you, throw said biscuits as far and wide as you can. Either the werewolf will fall for it, or the disciples will. Whatever - you get away whilst they get eaten. If you are unlucky enough to get cornered, engage him in a conversation about his personal hygiene, always a bit sensitive about that they are. "Dude, you totally need to use conditioner, your hair is a mess and that breath - woowee, melt things at 20 meters dude".

Witches - if you can get beaten by judy garland, a rat of a dog and three imbeciles without brains, heart and courage why the hell should I be frightened of you? *cackles* "I'll turn you into a frog my boy" - just try it you old harpie. You think your sister had a bad time having a house land on her head? - bollocks. Watch what happens when I ram your broomstick up your arse and use you as an umbrella. Oh sorry, I just stamped on your magic cat and now it's a pussy frisby. "Catch Rover - incoming pussy".

Zombies - "oh no, flesh eating zombies are marching into town and they have no brains and they...." - shut the fuck up. Just get in the biggest truck you can find and go squishing. Do NOT try a Michael Jackson and attempt to dance them to death - they may be stupid but they're quick learners, unlike MJ. Also helps if you don't go to stupid places to start with. Small towns in america where the 'population is...' *sign keeps decreasing every day* should hint at a message and if it's not clear, I'll spell it out R-U-N-A-W-A-Y now. People are either dying or getting the fuck out - your choice, it's a two option menu.

Frankenstein's Monster - often mistakenly called Frankenstein, who was actually the scientist who tried to play god and create life rather than the 8-foot tall muppet with a square head. The monster is known for his bolts in the neck and big boots and walking really slowly, bit like a Pizza Hut waiter-moron. Easy to outrun, and a bit fucked without the lightning bolt up his arse. About as frightening as Pizza Boy but with a little more attitude, and less zits.

So there you go - sorted. Don't need to be afraid of any of the above. If you feel the need to dive under the duvet, make sure it's for the right reason *winks knowingly*

a luego et bon weekend,
S