domingo, marzo 11, 2007

Moses - The Transcriber or Magician

So Moses, was a transcriber (i.e. he wrote things down and then they had different meanings) but he made a tremendous prophet and was generally really rich, in a having lots of hair on his chinny, chinny chin way of being rich. Anyway, when he was born, the pharoah (the ruler who didn't measure things but just got covered in gold) decided that all boys should be killed - sort of like a lesbian pharoah, except the pharoah was shit at tennis, which is a pre-requisite for lesbians, but it was ok for Moses as he was in a basket.

So, Moses's mother hid the basket in some reeds, so that the lesbian army didn't find him and they didn't because there were lots of reeds, and the lebians couldn't read cos no-one had taught them to yet, and Noah couldn't teach them to read as he was still stuck on a mountain of shit trying to persuade the elephants to get the fuck off his boat, but they were travel-sick and going nowhere.

Then Moses grew up and walked like an egyptian, which was very popular at the time, and so he was cool right up to the point where, suitably spaced out, he killed an egyptian and then all shit broke loose. So Moses had a teletubbie moment - "run away, runaway" and so he ran away and did not pass Goa and did not collect 200 squid as he didn't like sea fish anyway. Thus he became a shepherd, because that doesn't involve dealing with fish at all and he was having a really nice time until god called and told Moses he had to save the hebrews so Moses put the kettle on.

Ten minutes later, god checked to see what Moses was doing and got really angry "Oy muppet" boomed god "get that fucking tea towel off your head and get them across the red sea, not make them tea !". Thus Moses collected all the slaves and took them to the sea-side and they all had ice cream, a ride on the donkeys (called asses in the bible) and sent postcards to their families.

Then Moses had a book of revelations - i.e. he stopped tripping and decided his sinus was a problem so he went to Mount Sinus. God was still pissed off about the tea party and so he set fire to a bush. "Fucking hell" said Moses "you nearly got me beard then" but god just spoke through the bush (well, he is god and can do pretty much what he bloody wants), and thus god told Moses to do all sorts of weird shit like turning his rod into a serpent and other magic tricks. After god applauded, Moses asked if he could take his show on the road and god agreed. Moses packed his bags and with all his followers, with beards and tea towels on their heads, set off for Wembly Stadium.

However, the bad guy, Not-So-Pharaoh, had other ideas and made his magicians turn Moses into a snake - "very fucking funny" hissed Moses and turned the magicians into a bag of frogs (which caused god to piss himself laughing as he hadn't anticipated that one). By now, Moses was severely pissed off and unleashed ten plagues (shit like gnats and flies and stuff) on the egyptians. Whilst the egyptians were busy cleaning up, Moses and his circus buggered off but Not-So-Pharaoh sent his army of lovers after the circus.

When they arrived at the Red Sea, there was a lot of complaining from the people (typical tourists) so Moses had to do some more magic tricks. The people applauded and then fell asleep because they were tired and so Moses went to check the itinerary with god. Thus god gave Moses a printed out version of 'what to do' called the Ten Commandments and so Moses knew where he was going. Moses found a nice box and put his list in it and called it 'My Taber-nick-it-and-your-fucked' which most people just called Taberknackered as it was shorter. Then they all went to the beach.

#ADVERT BREAK - "Elf Pies - Get your Dozen Here"#

tune in for part two tomorrow.......

22 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Very amusing, Goth Master, you should get involved with Red Nose Day and send this to Troubled Diva.

I can hardly wait for your interpretation of the Ten Commandements. I thought manna would be on today's menu, what the hell are Elf Pies?

kimmyk dijo...

I'm on the edge of my seat here.

Is an Elf Pie the same as a Moon Pie? If so, I'll take a moon pie and some tea please.

Ok popcorn too.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Minky -> wow, from a doubting thomas to a believing being - elf pies = 12 lies

Kimmy -> don't stay there too long - I'm having fun in sun etc

MKWM dijo...

When was I a doubting Thomas? You know I'm not. I was just doubting about the existence of a character called Lynx. Now I'm doubting much more about him... that guy is a real mystery. He sent me a mail and I replied providing him with my picture, all my numbers and email addresses, he even knows where I work. I haven't heard of him since, is that a normal human being's reaction? Now I'm doubting about my own self too: I do exist but am I that scary and unpleasant, Goth Master? Oh, and do I need to remind it, we were just supposed to have a drink some day, as he was eager to have his existence witnessed.

You have seen me in person but I'll send you the picture he received. Please give me your opinion and your man's point of view along with some explanations. I'm sure you know something I don't...

Shaz dijo...

You crack me up . . no return comment to that one please!

phoenix dijo...

the ten commandments please,please please (can i put my own bit in about coveting thy neighbours wife and if he does cut his bollocks off, or is that just my mood at the moment?)and then how about the deadly sins? i should imagine your take on that to be hmmmm slightly unorthodox.cant wait.:-)

Ariel dijo...

Cor! Never knew the Bible was so exciting. Carry on like this and I might even start praying... More of the same please!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Fookin hell - I'm supposed to be moving.

Minky -> not sure about Lynx (anyone that names themself after a deodorant rings alarm bells for me)

Phoenix -> chill sister, wrath of Goth already on it's way

Ariel -> oh bible, bible, bible (if I said that, between your legs *yikes, gets slapped round the head by mariposa*........

phoenix dijo...

i've had coffee today and i'm not allowed it (something to do with an intollerance) can you tell, can you tell, can you tell.*collapses in a gibbering heap*

SpanishGoth dijo...

*bends down to mop her frown and check she's ok*

phoenix dijo...

*the caffeine high subsides and phoenix dozes under the comforting darkness of goths cloak.A wry smile fleetingly crosses her face as she dreams of the wrath about to beset her wayward husband*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hee hee - commandment number One Thou shalt not fuck about with Goths friends - thus, Phoenix's ex-wanker, be prepared to be rogered by 1,000 wildebeest on acid whilst monkeys throw cocunuts at your head ;-)

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

The Thirteenth Commandment broke off during a scuffle with the Great Great Great Great Great Great Great George Bush. It stated that no one with Bush as a last name can rule a country because it would cause constant laughing with pointing and stares.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Wow! That was like a deconstructed stream of consciousness thing going on there, Goth. You are a Roland Barthes for the new millennium. A true visionary, like, wicked, man. (These cigarettes Scrumpy's left behind smell a bit funny but I ran out of B&H ...)

Calamity Jane dijo...

Can't get the image of Noah and the travel sick elephants out of my head for some reason. Funny wiv a capital eff.

Aunty Marianne dijo...

It's odd, you know, because when I met the Goth he seemed pretty much under control.

I suspect he's been at the sugar again.

P.S. Goth. I am sitting on a large, brown, egg of a guest post. It just has to hatch.

I've just had a thought. The Jesuits have SJ after their names. Goth has SG. Is there something we should be told?

phoenix dijo...

oh mi god is it sick that i would so love to see that (the wildebeest on acid is a classic!)

Drama Queen dijo...

*waits impatiently for part duex*

Drama Queen dijo...

Still waiting. . .

Hill dijo...

I totally lost it at "Moses grew up and walked like a pharaoh."
Spewing here.

bananas62 dijo...

I like your version best!!!! you have quite the descriptive way about you!!! It's always entertaining if not a..er.. Pleasure..... visiting you!!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

YSB -> what happened to 11 and 12? I know bushwhacked can't count but..

Daphne -> mmm I can smell those cigarettes from here

CJ -> ephalumps never forget, hence why they get travel-sick

Aunty M -> waiting for the mail, address is under comments for Feb 15

Phoenix -> no it's not sick, leave it to me to arrange ;-)

Bananas -> tx, I aim to please