So Moses, was a transcriber (i.e. he wrote things down and then they had different meanings) but he made a tremendous prophet and was generally really rich, in a having lots of hair on his chinny, chinny chin way of being rich. Anyway, when he was born, the pharoah (the ruler who didn't measure things but just got covered in gold) decided that all boys should be killed - sort of like a lesbian pharoah, except the pharoah was shit at tennis, which is a pre-requisite for lesbians, but it was ok for Moses as he was in a basket.
So, Moses's mother hid the basket in some reeds, so that the lesbian army didn't find him and they didn't because there were lots of reeds, and the lebians couldn't read cos no-one had taught them to yet, and Noah couldn't teach them to read as he was still stuck on a mountain of shit trying to persuade the elephants to get the fuck off his boat, but they were travel-sick and going nowhere.
Then Moses grew up and walked like an egyptian, which was very popular at the time, and so he was cool right up to the point where, suitably spaced out, he killed an egyptian and then all shit broke loose. So Moses had a teletubbie moment - "run away, runaway" and so he ran away and did not pass Goa and did not collect 200 squid as he didn't like sea fish anyway. Thus he became a shepherd, because that doesn't involve dealing with fish at all and he was having a really nice time until god called and told Moses he had to save the hebrews so Moses put the kettle on.
Ten minutes later, god checked to see what Moses was doing and got really angry "Oy muppet" boomed god "get that fucking tea towel off your head and get them across the red sea, not make them tea !". Thus Moses collected all the slaves and took them to the sea-side and they all had ice cream, a ride on the donkeys (called asses in the bible) and sent postcards to their families.
Then Moses had a book of revelations - i.e. he stopped tripping and decided his sinus was a problem so he went to Mount Sinus. God was still pissed off about the tea party and so he set fire to a bush. "Fucking hell" said Moses "you nearly got me beard then" but god just spoke through the bush (well, he is god and can do pretty much what he bloody wants), and thus god told Moses to do all sorts of weird shit like turning his rod into a serpent and other magic tricks. After god applauded, Moses asked if he could take his show on the road and god agreed. Moses packed his bags and with all his followers, with beards and tea towels on their heads, set off for Wembly Stadium.
However, the bad guy, Not-So-Pharaoh, had other ideas and made his magicians turn Moses into a snake - "very fucking funny" hissed Moses and turned the magicians into a bag of frogs (which caused god to piss himself laughing as he hadn't anticipated that one). By now, Moses was severely pissed off and unleashed ten plagues (shit like gnats and flies and stuff) on the egyptians. Whilst the egyptians were busy cleaning up, Moses and his circus buggered off but Not-So-Pharaoh sent his army of lovers after the circus.
When they arrived at the Red Sea, there was a lot of complaining from the people (typical tourists) so Moses had to do some more magic tricks. The people applauded and then fell asleep because they were tired and so Moses went to check the itinerary with god. Thus god gave Moses a printed out version of 'what to do' called the Ten Commandments and so Moses knew where he was going. Moses found a nice box and put his list in it and called it 'My Taber-nick-it-and-your-fucked' which most people just called Taberknackered as it was shorter. Then they all went to the beach.
#ADVERT BREAK - "Elf Pies - Get your Dozen Here"#
tune in for part two tomorrow.......