So, Moses had all his mates at the beach, and his tabernacle with the commandments in it and a very clever rod. With his rod he could twat a rock and water would come out, a bit like if you or I twatted a baloon full of water - ooh, miracle, water comes out. And the people rejoiced, to start with, but then someone mentioned it would be much cooler if he twatted the rock and wine or beer came out so Moses got a strop-on and marched up the mountain to speak to god again cos he needed some rechargable batteries for his magic staff (well, mainly for rod).
Meanwhile, some clever twat had decided that they should melt some earrings down and make a calf, cos it looked really cool and then they could worship it. Moses had asked for new batteries and god was just looking round for the light sabre he had made - which he figured Moses would be really impressed with (not only could it cut things but it made noises too), when god noticed what the people had made - the calf !! "For fucks sake" muttered god under his breath "can't those muppets read?" he asked Moses and Moses said "no", because they couldn't and so god made Moses bring the commandments back and he would draw pictures on them so people knew what they were.
When Moses returned he destroyed the calf and pointed to the picture on the commandment "What can you see?" Moses asked and the people replied "that you just fucked Aaron's calf up". "No" replied Moses, "look on the tablet 'though shalt not...' ". "Fuck cattle" shouted somebody excitedly. Moses put his hand on his forehead and shook his head "No" replied Moses, "that thou shalt not worship graven images" and all the people thought about this and whispered amongst themselves. Suddenly, a voice rang out clearly in the crowd "but he didn't make a grave, he made a baby cow" and all the people cheered and Moses just muttered "oh god, this is going to be a long fucking day".
So Moses sloped back up the mountain cursing about being surrounded by idiots and this time god gave him laws about the tabernacle which included light, incense and sacrifice and so Moses went back down the mountain but people were already taking the piss. "How come god only takes to you?" asked one "what's that funny smell?" asked another "bet god gave him, drugs" said another. "Look" said Moses and forgot where he was going and so paused and stroked his beard. "Fraud" shouted Miriam and so god made her a leper for 7 days, which doesn't really make any sense because, if her hands fell off, they wouldn't jump back on again after 7 days, unless god had invented super-dooper-glue, which he might of.
Regardless of this slight inconsistency in the bible, Moses then sent twelve pies to Canaan, and the pies grew legs and came back with grapes. "Marvellous" said Moses, knowing a little bit about fermentation and stuff "Now these rascals, I can turn into wine" and he did, and everyone was happy again, apart from the pies, who protested vigorously that they had been employed as spies, but no-one believed them and ate them anyway. Well they were very tasty, mrs gods own recipe.
The next day, everyone was still dreadfully pissed so they decided to invade Canaan (well, it seemed like a good idea at the time) but it wasn't a good idea at all (they rarely are) so Moses got really annoyed and turned them into plates, because it was the best idea he could come up with at the time. Moses decided the best plan to invade Cannan was to pretend that they were all going to a wedding and that's why they were carrying a really big dinner service (obviously, he magicked some cups and saucers to go with the plates first) and thus Moses won, and so they had afternoon tea and generally remarked about how nice the weather was.
After that, Moses got bored with all the magic and thus apointed Balaam as his spokesperson and let him speak to god and rule and collect god's instruction manuals. And for his final trick, Moses mentioned to god that it might be really funny if he made Balaams ass talk, and god said "but I have already invented farting, and if you squeeze your cheeks correctly, you can even play a tune" but Moses wasn't finished, and he said "no, not farting, the 'donkey quotey' ass - just makes silly comments for no reason" and god smiled and said "alright, and sorry for singeing your beard but I did prefer the 'goatee' look". Thus Balaams ass spoke and Moses buggered off a happy little camper and lived until he was 120 years old, and only performed magic at home.
#here endeth the third lesson - tune in next week for John is baptising, after he's stopped being a little rascal himself#
(sorry it's a little late but I had one of those Sabbath things - Ozzy's back Hooray ;-)