Cross Country Running

Physically, I was designed for cross-country running - the physique is there. Mentally, it makes perfect sense to me - a self-preservation order. It's the only time the teacher made sense...

"Run this way, really fast, but stay between the lines" - er, right, not really going to happen.

"Run any way, really fast, and.... where the fuck did he go?" - yey, now we're talking, or rather, running.

I can fight, if I have to, but it fucking hurts. Why bother if you can

RUNAWAY

My ego will heal a lot faster than a broken arse. So fucking what, that the last thing you saw was my Gothic furry butt disappearing through a hedge?! Better that than coming to my funeral (which will be nice, incidentally - marshmallows for everyone, 'yey, toast them over my burning carcass')

Ergo, mentally, I associate with....

RUNAWAY

The 'Games Master-bator' (P.E. Teacher) used to get very frustrated with me, but I figure that's because he couldn't catch and stroke me.

"Where'd he go?" he would demand of the little fat one

"Dunno Sir, there was a blur and then..."

"So, where the fuck is he?" - AAAAAAAARGH

*little fat one pointing in the direction I'd gone*

"Goddamn it - I can't see him Simpson"

Indeed, that will be because I'm running and hiding, and I don't care if you get your helicopters and shit 'cos I'm running and I'm not stopping 'till you put your pants back on...

RUNAWAY

Fucking Language

And no, for you perverts who have arrived on a wave of Google tissues, this rant is not about SEX - there are NO pictures here in Goth World so fuck off and masturbate behind the bike shed.

The english (grrrr) language, is probably the most eloquent and elegant of all languages on the planet. It is my mothers tongue, not in a lizard type way, more a being born in Manchester way, and thus I have a more than an adept grasp of it - the language, not my mothers tongue.

Anyway, I can read many languages but being a cocky mother-fucker, I decided to learn another.... Punjabi.

I don't know why, I just wanted to.

Except I can't.... because the fucking English doesn't make sense.

Quote: "I believe that learning the Panjabi script in an exiciting intellectual adventure which must not be missed"

How the fuck am I supposed to learn another language if your basis is fucked up to start with?

Looking on the bright side, I did learn the swear-words first....

PEHN DI PHUDDHI

So, there you go, swearing in a language other than English......

*Backs away before scheiss passiert*

But you can suggest swearing in another language if you want, and 'Putain' does not count as I have used it before :-s

More Religious Bullshit

Oh goody - more religious piffle to talk about. I was starting to get concerned that I was being slighty unfair to the bearded ones and their little book of nonsense. Although, to be fair it is a complete crock of shit (in my opinion).

Then, lo and behold, I have discovered more religious meanderings of the mind, in a different religious text.

Now this one, is from a completely different religion, but is also full of the most insane nonsense. In fact, if it is possible, is slightly even more insane. At least with the bible, my biggest criticism, apart from the inaccuracies, is the way that is interpreted. This new (to me) text, doesn't leave you in any doubt as to the fact that the authors are as mad as a bag of squirrels on acid.

So, the question is, to which text am I referring? Firstly, it is not a new text, as in not one of the New Scientology type religions (stick to novels Hubbard !). Should I tell you what it is, or just plough straight in?

Hee, hee - the evil side of me says let them guess.

1 point for the religion
5 points for the title of the text

Bonus 10 points if you get both

(and, it is freely available on the internet)

Guess away...

Driving Lessons, in Goth World

Mariposa:- OK, so I steer with this?
Goth:- Yes
And this makes it go forward
Yes
And if I want to make it stop?
You press this doofer
Don't patronise me because I'm a woman
I'm not, I'm trying to help you learn to drive
OK, I'm ready
Good, so let's begin - select, first
First what?
Tranquilo, basics first
Merd ! Merd ! it's not...
Calm down, think happy thoughts
I am bloody calm and.... where's the fucking road?
There, just where it always was
But I can't fucking see it
Just look - try the Jedi mind trick - focus your mind
Bullshit, tell me where the road is
It's exactly where it was before....
Ok, I see it now, so I engage gear and then accelerate like this?
Exactly, calm and careful and, oh fucking hell
Oh Merd - I just crashed off a cliff
Did you have a parachute?
PARACHUTE ?! YOU NEVER MENTIONED A BLOODY PARACHUTE
Kidding, sorry
OK, Let's start again !

Welcome to Mariposa entering the Playstation zone...

Biblical King Of The Bees

Yes, there was also, in that book, the bible, a very wise king and his name was King Solomon. He was so very wise that he used to sit on his throne all day doing fuck all really but when someone came in and said "Oh King, something dreadful has happened" and proceeded to explain the disaster, the King would say "Well, I did tell you that was going to happen" and everyone wandered off going, "Bloody hell, he knows everything, he does".

Anyway, one day the Queen of Sheba, came up with a plan to outfox the King, in a cunning and foxlike fashion. She arrived in the King's court with a bunch of flowers in each hand. Standing a fair way from the King, but by the window so he could see properly, she said "O clever and mighty one, one of these bunches are real flowers and one are very cleverly disguised false ones - but which is which?"

The King thought about it and scratched his beard. "Come on then smart-arse" demanded the Queen of Sheba.

"Open the bloody window" demanded the King "It's too stuffy in here and I can't think properly".

The King's courtier did so and moments later, the King announced "The flowers in your right hand are the real ones".

"Wow" said the Queen of Sheba "You are indeed wise and powerful, but how did you know?"

"That's easy" replied the King "They're the ones that are covered in bees"

"Covered in..." started the Queen before looking at her hands. She screamed and ran out of the palace yelping "Fucking hell, I'm covered in bees".

Real Christian Singles in your area

Single? Christian? If you are ready to meet "The One" and want to establish a relationship, then please Visit Real Christian Matching ....

Well, I hate to tell you this 'mailshot' wankers, but I am not really the person you want to be sending this spam shit to. But, I have seen The Matrix, and I know Neo is 'The One' - so save yourself some time and send your lonely people to Keanu Reeves thankyou.

I am used to having to delete the spam mail I get on the various e-mail accounts but normally it is boring shit like:-

'Enlarge Your Penis...' what, by tying a brick on a piece of string to it?
'Get Your Love Life Started With Viagra...' as opposed to trying to have sex with someone attractive?
'I Am Stuck In Africa With A Fortune...' well, if you're that fucking rich, why are you stuck there then?

So, what is the weirdest SPAM mail you have received, and what would your reply be?

Crutching At Straws

So, after meeting my beloved for lunch at a local hostelry, I noticed something slightly untoward.

"Do you sell magic beer?" I asked the barman.

"Well, it's ok but I wouldn't call it magic.... why?" he inquired.

"I can understand when people leave, or forget umbrellas" I started to explain "Newspapers, glasses, hats and all sorts...."

"And your point is?" demanded the now confused barman

"If you look over there" I said, pointing in the direction of said articles "There are crutches. Now I can imagine why you might need them after a night on the piss, but to come in to a pub, drink a few alcoholic beverages and then forget you needed them ?!"

The barman started, what was going to be a phrase like "Fuck off you're taking the..." when he abruptly stopped and said "Bloody hell - you're right".

"It's like the Fugitive" I said "We need to be looking for a one-legged man" (except he was a one-armed man in the film, but the principle is the same, 'ish).

Somewhere in Bruxelles tomorrow, someone is going to jump out of bed and realise that they shouldn't have done that.

So what was the strangest thing you have encountered being left behind (and children don't count)..... ???