La Iglesia de la Mentes Criminales

So, not impressed with the Crusades, the Spanish decided to go one better. None of this invading foreign lands as an excuse for killing people, oh no, why not just kill people who don't believe in said god anyway. I mean, fuck it, we don't even have to go any seek out muslims, the mother fuckers come to us. Thus, thanks to Ferdinand and Isabella (although I'm fairly sure she knew fuck all about it) in 1478 there began the Spanish Inquistion.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion !!!!!

The theory was simple enough thanks to Tomás de Torquemada Inquisidor General of Aragón, either you acknowledged the power of the catholic church or... well, you died. That would have been me fucked then. But, not satisfied with just pure death, the bit where you cease to live at the end of it, they decided to make it more interesting. I mean, what's the point in just throwing people in a pond - float and you're evil, drown and you're ok stuff? Bollocks, if we're going to torture people let's put the fear of god in them.

Thus was invented the garrucha, toca and the potro - bastards couldn't even keep it in Latin. So, the 'garrucha' was pulling peoples arms and their legs, in different directions using pulleys and weight, the 'toca' was stuffing stuff in your mouth and causing gagging (sounds familiar for some reason) and the 'potro' was a rack. All reasonable ways to get you down on your knees and kiss the popes ring.

First, the 'Edict of Grace' would be pronounced in a city. In typical fashion, Grace wasn't actually there to explain why - she'd probably pissed off down to the local Tapas bar. Anyway, the theory was that you said "I'm a sheep shagger and all my mates are too" and you named them all. Those named could not get out of it just by saying "But I don't even know the git" - nope, far too easy.

And, the reasons one could receive these tortures? Having sex without making a baby. Hmm, that'll be blow jobs out of the window then. Homosexuality and beastiality one would assume would also come under this category, which makes you wonder what the catholic priests did - appears through evidence to be part of their job description.

Anyway, all of this was ruled over by a little gang of arse bandits called The Suprema (previously known as the Chicken Suprema). These fuckwits 'met every morning, save for holidays, and for two hours in the afternoon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays' - oh, so slaughter is only part-time then? Didn't even know they had bingo back then but you can't beat winning a nice pair of fluffy slippers!!

So once again, shit loads of people die because some pontificating twat decides to use the bible to further their own end. I don't remember the bit in the bible where it said killing in the name of jesus was a good thing but then again, I've only read the highly edited version - the one that the catholic church approved. All of which goes to show, you can't beat organized religion - or, if you even try, they will pull you to pieces - literally.

Wonder why I detest it so much?!!!!

Church of the Poison Mind

Why do I hate organised religion? Because generally, it eschews all the values it claims to uphold and instead, utilizes it's power to seize money, land and kill people for all the wrong motives. As an example, take The Crusades - oh, what a great idea that was. Devised by the Catholic Church as early as 1095, and, sanctioned by the pope (pontificating twat), it was simplistically a free for all killing spree where anyone with a sword could march around Europe saying, "Do you believe in jesus christ then?" and if the answer wasn't yes, tough shit, you were dead. Didn't matter if you didn't understand the question, that was the same as a no.

Oh what a great idea that is (he said, extremely sarcastically). Simplistically, church terrorists. However, because the pope said it was ok, then it was ok then. What a fucking crock of shit. The supposed reason, to recapture Jerusalem from those naughty muslims. Their crime, because they happened to live there. Oh well, that's alright then is it? "Right you satans spawn, we shall drive you from our holy land" - "But we were here first" - "Ah, but that's not the point is it?" - "Yes it is" - "No it's not, cos the pope told us so and you don't believe in god so there" - "But we believe in allah, which is the same as your god".

Of course, once you let men loose with weapons they kind of get into all that killing malarkey, so by the time of the fourth crusade, people had lost the plot entirely. "Let's attack Constantinople" - "But why, did the pope tell us to?" - "Well, er, no, but it begins with a C and that's the same letter as christ begins with so they're obviously taking the piss aren't they" *cue angry mob waving their swords in the air shouting "yeah - kill, kill, kill*

As per usual, with dis-organised religion, because people were using it for their own benefits, anything good got ignored. The bishops offered the jews sanctuary in the church, and even highlander wasn't allowed to fight in there - but oh no, they were up for the killing spree in the name of the church now, so the 'christian soldiers' just broke into the churches and slaughtered everyone anyway. So the poor bishops got rogered for trying to help people who weren't even of the same religion.

It had all started because the pope didn't like turkey. He much preferred goose for his christmas lunch and so he called his army of idiots and said kill turkeys but by the time the word had been passed to the back, it had become 'we're going to Turkey' "What for?" "I dunno, kill, kill, kill". So off they all toddled to Turkey and set about killing everyone. Eventually they arrived in Jerusalem, continued with their kill, kill, kill policy and so they had Jerusalem. Hooray - only killed a shit load of people for no reason then. And so it continued for hundreds of years.

Mmmm - organised religion my arse.