Renewable Energy

Scientists around the world have been looking for the Holy Grail of energy production, a renewable energy source. Instead of using fossil fuels or nuclear energy, they have been exploring solar power (fat lot of fucking use in Belgium), wind turbines and even wave machines. Well, Professor Goth is here to offer the advice that they've been looking in the wrong direction.

Firstly, energy comes in a number of forms, amongst others, Potential energy but most importantly, Kinetic energy (which effectively harnesses motion). So how can we harness this energy - well, here are the answers.

In China, there are over 1 billion people, which obviously means there is an awful lot of shagging going on. Thus we fit little motion generators to their little Chinese arses and every time they get jiggy with each other, electricity is created.

In France, it is not possible for people to talk without waving their hands and arms about, thus we fit little generators to their wrists and every time they say anything and do that waving around thing, electricity is generated.

In Italy, it is not possible to drive a car without constantly jumping up and down on their horns. Thus by replacing horns that use energy with those little hooters like they have on a clowns car, but hide a little electricity pump inside, they too could generate elctricity.

In the UK, by fitting little motion generators to all forms of alcohol, specifically alco-pops, then the binge drinking would actually turn into a large fuel producing club - it might also help to fit vertical detectors to people so when they fall over, being pissed as farts, the motion could also generate energy.

In the US, judging by the Super-Size me generation, we change all elevators and escalators to utilise the forces of gravity. Thus a couple of fat bastards get into an elevator on the 50th floor and by the time it has reached the ground floor, it has generated enough electricity to supply a trailer park.

*Note* - There are probably quite a few more I have missed - please feel free to contribute.

Creature Comforts

It's been awhile since I last had a pet, it's been years in fact.

It was/is a dog, but one chosen by Mrs Ex-Goth and therefore, inherently stupid. I also think said little pooch was gay - although I can't proove it, but I don't think licking your own testicles is normal.

My little brother, Mini-Goth, had a budgie which was slightly interesting, until he stood on it. After that incident, it didn't move too well. In fact, it didn't move at all on account of being rather dead.

But now, I have a much more Gothic pet - The Cat.

Which is cool, in a slightly understated, but darkly effeminate way.

The result though, is that I have to walk around my home like a Ninja. Going to the toilet in the middle of the night has ceased to be simply walking like a zombie to the toilet, and returning.

As soon as I move, The Cat is immediately around my feet asking questions.

"Where are you going?
Can I come?
Oh, not this room again - can't we go somewhere else?" with a tail like a question mark, he awaits my response.

In the morning, as I attempt to find coffee, I am overwhelmed by the feeling of pussy against my legs, probing for answers....

"YES - it's food time isn't it?" he inquires, in a cat-type voice whilst I endeavour to unglue my eyes.

"Is it playtime yet?"

"No it bloody well is not" is my unmeasured response.

"But I just knew that you were going to your office next - that's why I'm sat by the door with a smug cat-grin" *purr purr*

However, he does make me smile.

Por ejemplo, having decided he needed to go for a crap, he went to the cat toilet.

Unfortunately, having miscalculated his angles, he managed to stand in the litter tray and crapped on the floor. Satisfied he had done the correct thing, he carefully brushed the litter with his paw, looked back and obviously thought....

"Oh for fucks sake"

He then attempted to push the evidence under the tray.

Goth loves a tryer.....