Lost Ship

"Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian-manned cargo ship" - cool - is that like a Klingon cloaking device? No wonder you can't find it then.

I am so intrigued by the bullshit that emanates from the crusty old gits that they wheel out to give their opinion. So let me elucidate:-

'We cannot find the ship - it has disappeared off the map"
- not a very good map then - is that the version where the world is still flat?

"The cargo was not worth much but they could have hidden valuable cargo amongst the lumber" - yes, that is exactly what I would do with a squillion dollars of cocaine - put it in a very slow boat, with no obvious escape route.

"We think that it's pirates - probably African pirates" - excellent, let's stereotype the pirates who are not from the Caribbean at all, but they have very good sun-tans

"We know they are professional because the transponder unit was deactivated" - so only MacGyver can use a penknife? You know nothing of the - A Team.

"It is possible that nuclear weapons were the target" - oh fuck off - stop watching James Bond movies you old twat. Get up to date and watch XXX or GI Joe.

So now, with trepidation, we wait for the finale. Could the ship possibly have been spotted entering the Bermuda Triangle? Has the ship been beamed up by aliens who were desperate to save their dying planet?

As they started the bullshit contest, my turn now:-

The ship had a cargo of trees and they did what nature intended - they tried to put down roots.

Nice in principle, but not so nice if you are in a boat.

How the lobsters laughed..........

The Seventh Day

If you believe in God you might want to stop reading about now - you have been warned.

For those of you still reading - I was polite enough to offer the tossers a choice which is fair, I think.

THE SEVENTH DAY

God created the world in seven days apparently - well, six if you bear in mind that God fucked off on holiday for one, leaving Amateur God to create things without divine guidance.

Being omnipotent has it's drawbacks as you can't actually go on holiday as you are already there - by definition. Therefore God had to go into 'standby' mode leaving the less than competent apprentice to create other things which God hadn't cleared from the list.

Predictibly enough one supposes, Amateur God, fucked things up beyond belief and thus the Seventh Day creations remain.

On Gods return from 'standy-mode' on the eighth day, God looked at what at been invented, put her fingers against her temples and took a very deep breath.

'Jesus Fucking Christ' she opined, unfortunately creating religion as a by-product.

When God truly surveyed the damage on the previously perfect creation, God wept.

However, God was tired of 'multi-tasking' all the time and so could not devote enough God-energy to fixing what had been created, and thought - 'Oh bollocks - let the monkeys run with that planet'.

Amateur God, already banished from the kitchen of life, decided to add a little impetus into the situation and so gave Man a semblance of intelligence. Not a particularly wise idea in retrospect, but Amateur God figured that as God wasn't looking, it wouldn't really count.

Thus, Man came forth and ate the monkeys.

Seven More Deadly Sins

So, not satisfied with abusing the Seven deadly sins that they have been touting for the last 1500 years - the catholic church has decided to come up with so more. How jolly considerate of them.

Several of the whingeing little twats that work for this global cancer, have tried to claim that they are only bringing them a little more up to date for modern society. Well, as per usual - they really have their finger on the pulse for that one.

Now, in the first instance, why would they need some more deadly sins? For that, you have to look at the original sins. In no particular order they are pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. Now call me a cynic if you wish (I don't give a shit) bit these original seven have and still are adequately represented by the church.

The new seven, I would list but it's a bit boring, are pretty much covered by the church also.

'So why mention it?'I hear you ask. Well, because if you work on the principle that sins should be punished, then they should have also come up with a list of punishments. I guess they're probably too busy practising the sin bit first.

The original punishments for the sins were as follows:-

• Pride - Broken on the wheel
• Envy - Put in freezing water
• Gluttony - Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
• Lust - Smothered in fire and brimstone
• Anger - Dismembered alive
• Greed - Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
• Sloth - Thrown in snake pits

I suppose it might be interesting to come up with a list of punishments for the new sin list - but then again, the fuckers never listen to me anyway - pompous bastards . . . .