Free Stuff

Collecting Free Stuff

I'm not really sure where the obsession started, I guess it was in my childish years, but, I like 'free stuff'.

By 'free stuff' I am referring to items that you would normaly have to purchase with money.

A balloon is not 'free stuff' - it's just childish nonsense, unless it's filled with helium and then you can attach it to something (like a cat) because they were not designed to fly.

Getting 'Free Stuff' is not that difficult - companies are giving away pointless shit every day. Pens, T-shirts, umbrellas etc.

Am I going to buy their products/services? Am I fuck - just give me the 'free stuff'.

Once in a while, I give bag fulls of 'free stuff' away to charity. Will they use it? - I doubt it.

Can they use it to twat fish on the head and feed a family for a week? - maybe, if it's a really stupid fish.

The point is, 'free stuff' is good' and, Mr Taxman "you can slide down the razorblade of life, using your bollocks for brakes"

Meanwhile, back in reality :

Cool - look. You can use this laser thingy for

ooooopppsssss

Life In The Movies

Sorry to any who have been visiting but I've been busier than a carpet cleaner in a porno cinema. Not going to bore you with the details. Here is a quiz someone asked me to do - you should try it if you can be arsed. I did and I laughed out loud at the results. No point cheating - you are only cheating yourself.

So here are the rules:-

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool

Here are mine - scarily accurate by coincidence??

Opening Credits:
If - The Cult

Waking Up:
Shame - Drowning Pool

First Day At School:
Fallin' Up - Black Eyed Peas

Making Your New Best Friend:
Illegal I Song - Velvet Revolver

Falling In Love:
Iron Horse/Born To Lose - Motorhead

Breaking Up:
Replica - Fear Factory

Prom:
Disappear Here - Moonspell

Graduation:
I Guess I'll Never Know - Clawfinger

Life's Okay:
Home - Sevendust

Death of a Close Friend:
Fear Of The Dark (Live at Rock in Rio) - Iron Maiden

Mental Breakdown:
Jumping Someone Else's Train - The Cure

Driving:
Getcha Groove On - Limp Bizkit

Flashback:
Discotheque Wreck - Terrorvision

Getting Back Together:
Stay Away - Nirvana

Wedding Scene:
A Thousand Lies - Machine Head

Birth of Child:
Bleeding Mascara - Atreyu

Car Accident:
Black Dog - Led Zeppelin

Final Battle:
All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) - Bullet For My Valentine

Death Scene:
Hypnotize - Audioslave

Funeral Song:
Lustmord - Moonspell

End Credits:
Take It Out On Me - Bullet For My Valentine

(tx to Anthony for the idea)

Yikes - Who Shook My Coffin?

I recall writing things - it's all a bit vague now.

I seem to remember idiots without an ounce of sense complaining that I did't believe in Jesus - King of the Easter Eggs.

Apologies for having read your Book Of Bollocks more than you did.

I recall complaining about the fact that my children - eek - mini-Goths did not understand why

FUCK

I actually remember why I started writing in the first place.

Shit happens

Piss Off Religious Freaks

Picture the scenario if you will.

One, very tired Goth sits at a bar, chatting to an amiable barman.

It's been a long day for both, for differing reasons, but they agree that puzzles in The Daily Express will suitably vex, and relax them both.

After an hour or so of entertainment - the Goth points out that, in the BIG crossword, the Irish barman should really know the answer to the question:-

9) Old Testament book in which Moses conducts a census of the Israelites (7 letters)

Getting bored, Goth provides the answer.

The barman exclaims "You can't know that"

"Well, I can actually as I've read most religious texts unlike....."

*cue previously un-noticed American to open his mouth*

"It's true - it has been confirmed by my chapter"

*cue - a moment of jaw-dropping silence*

"So you're saying that you looked up an answer, with your coven of religious students, to confirm that I was correct?" asks an incredulous Goth.

"Yes" he replied "We're studying it a chapter at a time"

Being a Zen-like Goth - it was time to walk away.

Didn't want to spoil the ending - that would be in revelations.

Jesus Surfing

If you read the bible (the free book in hotel rooms in case you run out of toilet paper) you will know that jesus lived by the sea.

Living by the sea is very useful if you want to be a fisher of men, or a fisherman or - more importantly, catch some waves.

Dog, (being an anagram) said to his prototype:-

"I have invented the tree, and it's full of wood and stuff"

His son was busy smoking and talking weird, and growing a beard but remembered his training as 'Son of a Carpenter'

Thus, from the mighty tree, jesus did plane and polish to create - The Surfboard.

Although, a mighty fine idea, young master jesus has no idea HOW to surf.

"I have this really good idea" said JC "might work, might not"

As JC walked across the water, the disciples sat on the beach, stroking their beards.

When his dad created a huge wave of love, JC rode on it and proclaimed

"Yay - hanging ten"

at which point, most of the disciples, being wise, ran away.

When he arrived on the beach, he said to those remaining "I will teach you, and the you can teach others".

And thus they practiced - a lot.

Killed a lot of fish in the process too.

Vote NOW America

Because you should

I had to bypass some shit, because I am 'Bob The Plumber' thus...

'Y'all have a decision to make'. It might not seem impotent but it is relevant.

Vote now.

You have THE choice Americans.

I know my opinion but, I'm silly enough to have a brain.

Have the fucking decency to turn up and express your opinion.

If you can't be arsed, fine, but don't ask me to listen to your moaning shit later.....

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I finally got around to buying the DVD of The RHPS and I must say - the water was deep but I swam it, Janet.

It remains the only film I have seen over 100 times. I have also seen the stage show countless times and is the only event that would cause me to wear suspenders and a bra (just like my dear papa).

If you have never experienced it (the show, not the womens underwear thing), the following will make no sense at all.

Why I fell in love with The Rocky Horror Picture Show

In one evening:-

I was asked to go for a date with the most gorgeous Gothic girl but I had to bring a newspaper and some rice (no explanation was given)
I received the most amazing blow job in a public place without warning
I had to run onto the stage and "Do a jump to the left" (which I did as I was still in shock from the oral sex adventure)
I observed lots of strange people being very 'nice' to each other
I crashed the car I had 'borrowed' (not my fault) on the way back home
My life flashed before me (in slow motion) and I wondered why there was rice all over the crash site
I was arrested by the police and charged with various boring legal nonsense
I had to listen to my police-person father lecture me on how I was destroying his career
I told the full story to my mother and she laughed
I had some most excellent dreams

Granted, the next time that I watched the movie, it did not have quite the same effect but, I still grin at "It's just the pelvic thrusts....".

So, the DVD is prepared, the underwear is available, the rice and newspaper ready and the Sword of Damacles is hanging over my head.

*Gothic bliss*