sábado, agosto 09, 2008

Messages From

Sorry being absent for awhile, I was busy talking to strange people who think that a computer can guess what they think they want it to do.

I got into slight trouble for reacting - no surprise there then.

"You fucked it up you twat, you fix it" is apparently not the thing to say on a helpdesk - or so I learned on my 'back to basics' course.

So, I shut the fuck up and surfed the net, where I found this - (which amused me):-

Decoding Womens Personal Ads

40-ish - 49, and then some
Adventurous - slept with everyone
Athletic - no breasts
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Emotionally secure - on medication
Feminist - Fat
Free Spirit - junkie
Friendship first - former slut
New-age - body hair in wrong places
Old fashioned - no blow jobs
Open-minded - desperate
Outgoing - loud and embarrasing
Professional - bitch
Voluptuous - hugely fat
Wants soul mate - stalker

AHA - In a shit Norwegian band way, I thought - but then I found this....

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

And thus, I laughed and thought, 'Hoozah Grandparents Gothica - I miss you both'

*raises a glass of JD in salute*

10 comentarios:

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

A bit premature to be cruising the Saga lonely hearts, isn't it? (By the way can you send me the mailbox reference for "Mint Condition", he sounds hot).

john.g. dijo...

Most of those descriptions should suit you Goth!

*gets coat*

Leni Qinan dijo...

I woke up after a lovely siesta with Mr Qinan, read your post and fell off my chair laughing!
I took the liberty of reading it to him and he's still dying of laughter.

Going back to the beach in an excellent mood, Goth. Cool post (*waves goodbye, still laughing*)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Daphne -> 'mint condition' - see, those words do not fit into a coherrent sentence ;-)

JG -> perhaps but at least I don't have to deal with Trigger (the dog)

Ms Kravitz -> glad to be of service but please don't fall off chairs - it's dangerous - you could spill your drink

Brom dijo...

I laughed at the first list, but the second made me feel positively queasy!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yay - ballons, queasy - go together quite well methinks. As for the list - don't blame me - I didn't write the bastard thing ;-)

PI dijo...

Now those are funny:)

Sewmouse dijo...

Would a man's list look something like:

"Athletic" - Experienced in 12-oz wrist curling

"Mature" - Pot belly the size of Texas and no hair

"Outdoors Type" - Will mow lawn on Saturday only if threatened with physical violence

"Professional" - Hasn't held a steady job in over 20 years

"Family Oriented" - Still lives with his Mommy

"Occasional Drinker" - Only comes home puking drunk 4 or 5 nites a week.

Mr Farty dijo...


Dodgitech Computer Peripherals, Inc dijo...

Dear Mr. Spanish, we are currently beta testing a new,
revolutionary, keyboard tailored to your needs.

Features include :

* Unique "Any" key, which doubles as the instant power-off button, for streamlined ergonomy and enhanced productivity.

* Special "internet" key; transparently downloads a random bestiality site (default) to IE cache. Great for blackmailing those tiresome users! (URL is customisable.)

* Special "e-mail" key; instantly sends threatening email about the current US president to US mail addresses. (Updated as-and-when.)

* Practical coffee-cup-holder-opener button. (Doesn't work)

* Patented back-up system; uploads everything to our secure servers in Kyrghystan.

* Switched the C and V keys, but that was just for a laugh.

Please let us know what you think.

J.Edgar Groover, CTO, Dodgitech Technologies, Kyrghystan.