sábado, agosto 23, 2008

Olympic Bollocks

I know the Olympic Games have been around for a zillion years or something, since some bloke ran a long way to say "There's *puff* a fucking *puff* fight over *puff* there" but it is rather boring. Don't get me wrong - I applaud the efforts of "My name's Mike and I swim like a fish" Phelps but, come on - it's not like it makes a difference.

Every 4 years, finely tuned athletes get together to run faster, jump higher, lift heavier shit or somehing. I'm sure it is really impotent to them but, I'm a Goth and I don't care.

Thus, I have decided to introduce some new events for the next time the finely-tuned specimens get together. Feel free to suggest some events yourself (and, if you feel the need to criticise - fuck off and find a blog where somewhere cares).

The 20 Metre Sarcasm - stand at a distance and observe how totally crap someone is without vocalising it loud enough to get your head bashed in.

Pissing in the Wind - a long distance event where you demonstrate how pointless it is to do anything really.

The Sexathalon - do that funky, 'making-babies' thing, without the obvious consequences of guilt, child support or dubious contagious diseases, whilst pulling strange faces and announcing your arrival to an invisible god.

Synchronised Pie Eating - try and eat everything that moves before fat Americans scoff the lot - but, in tandem with another person and without blowing chunks all over the place.

Trainspotting - stand still in an anorak whilst observing a train pass by on a track that clearly isn't going to move because that would be silly.

Turbo-Preaching - explain why your chosen religion is superior and everyone else is completely shit in under 10 seconds whilst simutaneously doing all the evil shit you denounce.

Crustacean Tennis - twat small shelled creatures with a racquet whilst imbibing far too much alcohol.

So there you go - it's your turn now to suggest some new Olympic bollocks.

16 comentarios:

Princess of the Universe dijo...

I'm REALLY tired of hearing about that Phelps guy...
Just sayin'

john.g. dijo...

Synchronised knitting!

Projectile vomiting, following the yard of Stella competition!

Leni Qinan dijo...

My cow-workers are real sporty guys. The International Olympic Committee should seriously consider including some of these favourite sports in the next games:

Synchronised ball scratching (in case of total boredom, it seems to be a very relaxing exercise)

Sitting around nose picking (that’s an easy one, can be practised all day without getting too tired).

200 m street rush-exiting (every day, ideally at 3PM).

They don’t do Pissing in the Wind at work because they have wonderful toilets especially designed to have amazingly long chats after using them.

As far as I’m concerned, my favourite is Safe and Funny Sexathlon, but the nice variety of the one in your list, lol. :)

PI dijo...

Oddly I found it inspiring: if they can invest four years hard and I mean hard, for possible failure, why should I feel miffed at a first rejection - or even a second? For my book that is.

Krimo dijo...

Great stuff as ever!
I suggest a new sport for all the guys who have ever planted a landmine.
To clear a 100X100m minefield blindfolded, on one leg and one hand behind their back in under a minute.

Mr Farty dijo...

The 100-meter handbag snatch. Embra would take every medal, one way or another.

....You Sick Bastard dijo...

I was watching people speed walking during the olympics. I didn't even know it was a sport. It's like the rejects that are too slow to run. It wasn't on NBC. I guess it wasn't something people would wanna watch. Which they were right, I turned and watched spongebob instead.

Sewmouse dijo...

4 Ft. Flourescent tube Light-Sabre Dueling - First one to smash the other guy's tube without breaking his own wins.

JolietJake dijo...

whacking Phelps accross the face with a dead trout should be an event. See how quickly you can make him pass out.

bananas62 dijo...

I thought I was the only one who felt this way!!!

Elaine dijo...

Woo hoo! The best thread yet! I'm going to suggest Unsynchronized Lurking.

Elaine dijo...

Actually, I did suggest it didn't I? Oops. Disqualified already.

( . )( . ) dijo...

I am down for the Sexathalon.

Where do I sign?

Hmmmm.....

I dont care for the olympics really. I understand why some people like it, but I despise TV as it is, especially watching sports on TV in general. Its just lame.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Why do we need to make up Olympic events when we already have ones with silly names like Ynglyng and Madison?

Talking of names, I just found this explanation of the etymology of the name "Goth" in Wikipedia:

Etymologically the ethnonym for the Goths, "Guton", derives from the same root as that of the Gotlanders ("Gutar"): the Proto-Germanic *Gutaniz. Related, but not the same, is the Scandinavian tribal name Geat, from the Proto-Germanic *Gautoz (plural *Gautaz). Both *Gautoz and *Gutaniz are derived (specifically they are two ablaut grades) from the Proto-Germanic word *geutan, meaning "to pour" (compare the modern Swedish gjuta, modern Dutch gieten, modern German gießen, Gothic giutan, old Scandinavian giota, old English geotan all connected to Latin fondere "to pour" and old Greek cheo "I pour"). Thus, the Gothic tribes are designated as "pourers of semen", i.e. "men, people"

I may stop laughing sometime next year. Or maybe not.

Crabtree dijo...

There is in our part of the country the stupid throw of beret, because there is better a throw of dung of cow !

To throw him of morons would make a misfortune , the problem it is because stocks are inexhaustible in France ,we would need more than an Olympiad !

We can entrainer us in 10 000 kicks in the bottom every time they cross the line It would be a little bit long but if putting in some !

A collector of kicks in the bottom which get lost a collector of kicks in the bottom is which, without him, would irreparably be lost.

Crabtree dijo...

Variants :

The loon synchronized in some jelly of redcurrant,

Swimming synchronized in the foam , circulate... has nothing to do there !?

Jump to the pole with reception on trampoline ,

Chase with bike, without brake it is hollowing out ! Without pedals otherwise it would be too easy ! And without ...saddle !?

The 110 mètres hurdles on soapy lane ,

20 km step feet bare on sea urchins...