The Perfect Ringtone

For me, is the silent one. Mmm, let it vibrate in your pocket like, a little hamster on a wheel going mental in a very small place. (It's not really a hamster, I just liked the analogy).

I like Nokia, as a company, they haven't pissed about with the "oooo sorry Sir, you will need a totally different charger for that phone", which is very helpful when you travel a lot - NOT. Your mental process goes from:- 'Oh for fucks sake I forgot my charger and now my phone doesn't work' to 'thankyou barman, or hotel receptionist for supplying just the one I need' ooooo feeling calm now

AND, with Nokia, you have always been able to change the ringtone from the complete dross that they provide to something bizarre - even when you had to program the tone in yourself. Boring, but effective.

I had one of those Shitberry things for a while, and what a bucket of toss that was. It was designed for people with very small fingers, or very accurate nails. The worst thing was, you couldn't change the ring tone to something other than 'ladybirds farting on a mushroom' or something.

That's the whole point of having a mobile phone. Pissing people off with the ring tone.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not big and it's not clever, but it is funny as fuck at times.

Normally, I take my phone everywhere with me, but when I get a sufficiently annoying ringtone, I will leave it on my desk and phone myself from a landline just to watch people tear their hair out. This was particularly fun, por ejemplo, when I had programmed 'Europe - The Final Countdown' in as a ringtone.

At present, anyone who knows me, in real life, knows that I had 'Queens of The Stone Age - No One Knows' as my last ringtone, and before that 'HIM - Buried Alive By Love'. BUT, I have changed it - to the perfect ringtone.......

So, you can either guess what my new one is, or suggest your own ( and no, there are no fucking prizes)

We Can Be Heroes

Said the Man Who Fell to Earth, but didn't hurt himself, apart from getting different coloured eyes and then moving to Switzerland which is spectacular(ly shit).

Anyway, I've been watching this series, called, funnily enough Heroes. As far as I can figure, it is about a group of people who all have a 'super-power' each, but there's an evil force out to get them. I'm not sure how many evil forces exist in the world but they seem to multiply a lot, without even asking for a reference - bastards.

Back to Heroes, there seem to be lots of people with one 'super-power' and then there is one good one, and one bad one, who can assimilate the powers of others - except you don't know which is which, unless you work on haircuts and general style of clothing which kind of gives it away.

The 'super-powers' range from the ability to:-

• become invisible
• to fly, but like Superman
• become radioactive and blow shit up
• create fire, without matches
• read peoples minds
• walk through solid objects

I lost track as they keep coming up with new 'super-powers' that the peeps can have.

Now, I'm not sure which 'super-power' I would choose, given a choice of any of them. Well, actually, that's a lie, I know exactly which one I would choose.

BUT, which one would you choose, if you could only select ONE SUPER POWER?

Chu Fuck Wits

NOTE * This is actually based on a true story, bizarre as it sounds. *

A Chinese gang (gang of morons from the sound of it) decided to produce some forged UK currency. In itself, an interesting plan until you find out how they decided to do it.

Firstly, they contact the Bank of England (mistake number 1) informing them that they have a number of £1,000 notes that they want to exchange for smaller notes. As the £1,000 note has not been issued in the UK for 60 years (mistake number 2), their research is a little bit lacking. However, as the Bank of England have some of the strictest security in the world, the gang are invited for a meeting, with the police obviously.

Feeling somewhat smug, they then claim to have a number of £500,000 notes (which have never been issued - I'm stopping counting mistakes now as there are too many). Apart from that there are also major discrepencies in the forgeries like incorrect signatures, and were, in the words of the prosecution "slightly resembling bank notes".

Undetered, the 'fuck wit' gang turn up with £28 billion worth of forged notes. Now I'm pretty sure that most people would have been wise enough not to try and get that amount of money without raising alarm bells. Unfortunately, they've read the wrong fortune cookie or something.

So, in they roll with their forged notes (in a wheelbarrow presumably) and then look somewhat surprised when they get arrested.

What a bunch of idiots. They deserve to be locked up for sheer stupidity and to protect themselves from their brains.

It will be interesting to find out what they wanted to change the money into. I mean, £28 billion of even £100 notes is going to be fucking heavy. Still, I'm sure they will have a few years to figure out what mistakes they made.

The Laws of Rallying (with a caravan)

Another Challenge

Normally, I don't do anything about challenges, like the 'Name 5 favourite names for your pets' type shit but, the concept of tying 5 unconnected words together into a (relatively) coherrent posting - well, that's just fun. Therefore, all you have to do is figure out what the FIVE words are.......

The Laws of Rallying (with a caravan)

Firstly, I'm talking about rallying in the 'drive like a fucking lunatic through a forest' sense, not marching your fellow co-workers to the factory gate just because the assembly lines have munched one of your lazy bastard cow-workers type rally.

Now, in itself, they have almost perfected this art form so it's about time they upped the ante. Let's have the fuckers towing trailers, or even more fun, towing caravans (preferably, with grandma miggins still sat on the loo inside). It seems to me (in my own bizarre way) that it's a perfect evolution of the sport.

Jeremy Clarkson and the guys would love it. It make no sense at all regarding the laws of physics, whether that's metaphysics or geophysics or any of those physics crap that I missed in school as I was either behind the bike shed or in the pub.

Of course, with a relative amount of circumspection, cogitation and general thinking using dead big and clever words, this plan is clearly as mad as a hat full of badgers, but it would be funny as fuck.

I mean, anyone who wants to go anywhere in a caravan doesn't understand the concept of the word HOTEL which is why they all drive so slowly. It's almost as if they are expecting to come over the brow of a hill and go "Fuck - it's a cliff !! I told you this was going to happen Edna".

I'd pay to watch the shit. "3-2-1 go-go-go!!!" and the shitty car and caravan go hurtling down a dirt road into a forest.

Plus, the extra bonus is that those fucking idiots who choose to stand on the outside of a bend would get totally wiped out when Stig loses control of the vehicle and goes 'off-road' as they would not only get broadsided by the Austin Maxi but any of the dweebs who were laughing would get totally twatted by the two-berth with inbuilt portaloo, attached by a towbar following at high speed.

You wouldn't even have to change the acronym WRC - instead of World Rally Championship, it could be World Rallying Caravans.

Fucking hell - it's just so crazy an idea, I might even try it. Or perhaps I'll just forward the idea to the Top Gear guys and then laugh like a banshee when they actually try it.

(And.... if anyone can guess the five words from that - I'll be bloody impressed)

Why Have You Forsaken Me?

This seems to be a question that all religious believers ask, when life fucks up beyond belief. It also happens when people lose a partner or one of their family. My point is, why pose the question to an entity that does not exist? That's just plain fucking stupid.

Occassionally, people question why I don't believe in god. Mmm - that'll be on account of the fact that no 'all-seeing, omnipotent' being could not oversee such misery as exists in this world without sending a few thunderbolts up peoples arses or turning them into hedgehogs or something. What's the point of being a god if you can't do clever stuff like saying 'Shazam - size of a slug'?.

"But it's a test of our faith" whinge the pathetic mother-fuckers that believe in this shit.

Well, it might test your faith, all it does for me is to confirm my belief that there is no god. Even if there was one, he'd be a wanker for putting so many people through such misery.

*Tip from Goth World*

Pretend to be like a 'boy-scout' and always be prepared. Have a small penknife ready to stab any intruding god in the calf and say something clever like "All seeing? Didn't see that coming did you omni-present fucker?!" and then laugh as god hobbles around going "ow, that fucking hurt".

Anyhow, the point is not to ask god "Why have you forsaken me?" - just ask the bastard what he was doing when the shit hit the fan. I bet the tosser comes up with some excuse about trying to fix the fjords in Norway or something.

You may have a better idea why he/she/it was busy???

Strange Supersitions

There are many superstitions that people believe in, some are quite common like black cats crossing your path, walking under a ladder (which makes sense if someone drops a hammer on your head) and having a rabbits foot (although it doesn't seem very lucky for 3-legged Thumper).

However, there are some superstitions which are downright bloody bizarre......

• Eat a raw herring and you will see your future spouse. (seems to me that you would smell like a fish so I don't see how that would work)
• Yellow Underwear is good luck (I supppose it might be if you pissed yourself, then no-one would notice)
• Once leaving a residence it is bad luck to return if something was forgotten. (well, if it was a bomb, maybe, otherwise I can't see how going back would be bad luck)
• Stepping on a crack in the sidewalk is believed to result in one's mother breaking her back (if she was lying down on the crack, maybe)

As I said, there are many superstitions around the world, depending on the culture and even to some extent, the region of a country your are in.

Here are my 'superstitions' which I believe would bring you bad luck.

• Jumping out of a perfectly good aeroplane whilst in flight
• Standing in front of a speeding train
• Stepping on a landmine
• Attempting to catch a bullet with your teeth

Actually, if you are actually stupid enough to try any of the above, go ahead. The human race is not actually in need of your addition to the gene pool.

Feel free to contribute any more strange superstitions - the weirder the better :)

My Deepest Fear

Everyone dreams - it's a part of reality. BUT, once in a while, you dream something so real, so terrifying, that it's scary.

Dreams are something people have to deal with. I spent years dreaming of 'dead people' until I realised, they're not really dead.

I don't worry about dreams where I'm falling without control (learned to deal with them) - fuck it, I'm like Neo in The Matrix - "there is no spoon".

I can manage the 'running but never moving forward' stuff, drowning in a lake under ice, blah, blah, blah.

I can cope with the 'falling forever' thing too, in a 'flying in a blue dream' kind of way (extra points for the guitarist)

I can even make dreams go backwards - in a 'rewind' sort of way.

What I don't like is violence. The reason being, it might manifest itself in reality. I don't like what I can be.

"Make cakes not war!"

Chocolate sponges with raspberry filling would be nice :))

And, your favourite freaky dream is ????