Crucify Us

For those of you not aware, tomorrow is the celebration of when that hippy got nailed to a tree 2000 years ago. Quite why the romans wanted to nail him to a tree is a bit of a mystery - something to do with saying it would be lovely if people were nice to each other.

Now obviously, I'm not a believer (I thought the Monkees were shit) but if I was, I don't think I'd call it Good Friday. I'm pretty sure the conversation would have gone more like this:-

Jesus - "Fuck me, that hurts"
Peter - "It's ok lord, we will remember this day for thousands of years and call it Good Friday"
Jesus - "What the fuck is good about this you moron?"

Anyway, christians believe in it, which I suppose they have to as you couldn't trust the church for anything to believe in, well apart from religious wars, and scaremongering, and sodomy etc.

However, it would appear that those weird little Phillipinos have a ceremony every year where the 'true believers' re-enact the whole crucifixion malarkey. Now that is either plain fucking stupid or a true measure of devotion - and I know which one I think is true.

What the bloody hell would you want to tie yourself to a tree for, let alone get nailed to one? But, it's their foolish little bodies so they can do what they jolly well choose as far I am concerned.

Unfortunately for the self-flagellating ones, the health and safety muppets have stepped into to spoil the party as per usual. The new Health & Safety Crucifixion must follow their rules, examples of which include:-

• all crosses have to be disinfected first
• there is a height restriction suspension heights
• crowns of thorns must be worn over a hard hat
• wounds over 1cm must have a band aid applied

For me, Health & Safety should disappear up their own anally retentive legislation. I don't tell them what music to listen to !!

Suggestions for other Health & Safety bollocks rules can be sent in a chocolate egg to the usual address....