Shit Plan - Perfectly Executed

a) Darwin - idiot with fluffy beard (confirmed) and logic
or
b) idiot with beard, (confirmed) Darwin and fluffy logic

This is not a fucking test, merely a scrambling of words but this is why mankind wages war and pays itself nothing.

Oh how the European Commission laughed.

Meanwhile, back in the real world........

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that fucking lion out of the way!!!"

Two Faced - Part 2

Continuing on the topic of lying bastards who should die - let's discuss 'Organised Religion'.

Personally, I do not give a flying fuck what religion you adhere to. If it makes you happy - jolly good.

If you believe in something, I am happy for you.

BUT

DO NOT try to convert me to your religion.

If I choose to believe in a god, I am perfectly capable of making that choice before you accost me with your fake bullshit.

Realistacally - how convinced can you be?

All organised religion is shite - but, feel free to prove me wrong.

Warming Up - Religiously

I really need to read the bible again - to remind myself of why I so enjoyed criticising it in the past.

For those of you that haven't read it, you should just for the incredible bollocks that it spouts.

I think I may have to have a regular Gothic Post, every Friday - just so that the religious nutters have time to polish their foreheads before getting twatted with Gothic wisdom.

Here are a few examples that were "borrowed" from another author:-

Leviticus (25:44) - states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations - cool, that''s Holland fucked

Leviticus (15: 19-24) - There can be no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus (1:9) - If you burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Leviticus (19:27) - Most men get their hair trimmed, even though this is expressly forbidden by . How should they die?

Leviticus (11:6-8) - claims that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I still play American football if I wear gloves?

Sorry religious type people - The Goth is back

Facebook - Kiss My Gothic Arse

Funnily enough, although the title gives it away somewhat, I have been known to offend people. I make no apologies for doing so when said offended people opened themselves to criticism.

Some time ago, I used to spend my time on the train coming up with ludicrous thoughts to provoke institutions into reaction, which I would subsequently post on this blog - with some success I might add. However, I had the time to do it as I was sat on a train travelling from home to work.

Having changed jobs though, I no longer needed to use the train service from Bruxelles and didn't have the time to formulate bizarre ideas. Hence I turned to Two-Facedbook.

Bad mistake.

There are some scary little monsters in that cavern of depravity.

If I want to criticise an individual, I will do it to their face - even if it means I receive a kick in the bollocks for my honesty.

Looking on the bright side - if you want to lighten your personal luggage of superficial friends - use Two-Facedbook.

Thus, I am back (for now) - until the religious nutters freak me out again.

para mí soy sencillo - si usted no quiere saber, no lea

Lost Ship

"Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian-manned cargo ship" - cool - is that like a Klingon cloaking device? No wonder you can't find it then.

I am so intrigued by the bullshit that emanates from the crusty old gits that they wheel out to give their opinion. So let me elucidate:-

'We cannot find the ship - it has disappeared off the map"
- not a very good map then - is that the version where the world is still flat?

"The cargo was not worth much but they could have hidden valuable cargo amongst the lumber" - yes, that is exactly what I would do with a squillion dollars of cocaine - put it in a very slow boat, with no obvious escape route.

"We think that it's pirates - probably African pirates" - excellent, let's stereotype the pirates who are not from the Caribbean at all, but they have very good sun-tans

"We know they are professional because the transponder unit was deactivated" - so only MacGyver can use a penknife? You know nothing of the - A Team.

"It is possible that nuclear weapons were the target" - oh fuck off - stop watching James Bond movies you old twat. Get up to date and watch XXX or GI Joe.

So now, with trepidation, we wait for the finale. Could the ship possibly have been spotted entering the Bermuda Triangle? Has the ship been beamed up by aliens who were desperate to save their dying planet?

As they started the bullshit contest, my turn now:-

The ship had a cargo of trees and they did what nature intended - they tried to put down roots.

Nice in principle, but not so nice if you are in a boat.

How the lobsters laughed..........

Helping You To Help Me

It's been a long time since I worked on a helpdesk. When I started working in IT a couple of years ago (or so) it was considered to be a good introduction to how a company works.

This is probably quite a sound theory, for the people who came up with the idea, but not for those who have to work on one.

I can only reference what I have experienced - helpdesks for Computer Systems, so if you disagree please call the number below and we will divert you to India.

1) - The customer is not always right - in the majority of cases, they are fucking idiots.
2) - You cannot fix a problem if it is not described correctly
3) - Managers of helpdesk systems are morons who know nothing except how to misjudge their own worth

Anyway, I didn't last very long on the helpdesk because apparently I had an attitude problem.

So fast forward a number of years and having worked in IT for a while, someone, in the infinite wisdom decided that a 'back to basics' approach would benefit all.

Another shit idea - perfectly executed.

"Welcome to the Gothic Helpdesk - what is your current problem?"
'When I logged onto the system at 07:30...'
"No you didn't - your computer came up at 08:12 and you mistyped your password the first time"
'How did you know that? - well, anyway, the things didn't come out of the printer so there is an issue with the system'
"No - everything would have come out of the printer if you had put paper in it, which you didn't and unplugging it and replugging it in again does not make paper grow"
'There was an issue with the printer so I had to reboot it'
"Yeah - a lack of fucking paper issue - with a big flashing message saying NO PAPER you muppet"
'But I checked the manual and it said....'
"What colour is it?"
'The printer?'
"No, the bloody manual"
'I don't know I've never seen it...'

*dial tone*

NEXT

Jesus Jackson

Not many things could have aroused me from my blogging hibernation - well, nothing has until now.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Sorry Wacko fans but, it was rather inevitable. I am sure there are squillions of people in the world who are really sad - I'm not one of them but, they feel some connection I do not share.

I was watching the coverage of the story on CNN with a Gothic curiosity and was beguiled by the reporters. I particularly liked the one stationed outside the house in Bel Air who said "This street usually has vans with fans (sic) who sleep here but they have all gone now to UCLA " and my first thought was - well what the fuck are you doing there then?

Later, I was watching BBC News and they had an interview with Uri Geller (famous for his bending spoon thing) and a friend of the now dead Jackson.

"So you were good friends with Michael" said the interviewer
"We had our ups and downs - sometimes we didn't even talk" he replied

Not surprised - if you kept fucking his cutlery up.

BUT, the real moment for me was when they started interviewing fans. Some were devastated (don't get it myself but, OK), some were celebrating his life (made a little more sense) but one woman said.........

"This will be remembered as the day Jesus died"

Er - no. You stupid little woman. If base your whole life on fiction the nasty goblins in pointy hats will get you.

However, I must thank Apple for my iPod. For the rest of the year, Michael Jackson will be on high rotation on every radio station. In my ears, I will be listening to Lacuna Coil.