So having got bored with creating animals, as anyone who has ever seen a duck-billed-platypus can see (aw fuck it, stick a beak on it !) , god created the garden of Eden. Essentially, it was like a little windowbox of perfection with trees and bushes and caterpillars and snakes and talking trees of knowledge and trees of good and evil - basically there were a lot of clever trees.
Next god decided that he needed a sprinkler system so he created clouds. But before that, he got dead clever and made water come up from the ground in streams cos he thought, then the water would have somewhere to go when it fell from the clouds. While he was still pissing about with water he thought he might as well show off so he created condensation and evaporation and precipitation and lot of other ..tions. And satan heard about this new marvellous place and snook in for a quick preview. He decided to disguise himself as a snake as he had overheard god talk about them but he slightly misheard and turned himself into a snake with a fork for a tongue, which was really handy for picking things up like peas as he had no arms or legs or fingers, but was really crap for talking. "Thith fucking thucks" hissed satan - which pissed him off cos he sounded like a twat now he had a lisp.
Meanwhile, god became bored of his water period and so he created man and woman (depends if you think god is male or female as to who came first but usually the man comes first) so god named him Adam so that he came first in the dictionary before Eve. And god gave Eve big tits because he wanted to and they were naked and god said "look at all the lovely things here i have created for you, everything can you play with, except that apple because i need to bonk Newton on the head with that later else you will never understand this gravity thing i created". And Adam and Eve grinned and said "what's gravity?" and god thought 'you won't ask that when your tits sag Eve' but didn't say anything cos he was omni-forgetful.
Adam and Eve wandered round and smiled and held hands and boring stuff like that, but Eve's bouncing baps were creating a problem with Adam's willy. And thus, Adam got an erection and they both marvelled at it and Eve said "wow, can i touch it?" and Adam said "stand back love, i don't know how big this gets". Satan was watching and so he decided to have some fun. When Adam wasn't watching - he was still stroking his willy cos it felt good but he didn't know why - satan said to Eve "eat thith apple it'th thimply thuper" so Eve did and then she knew what Adams willy was for. She decided to make the most of it before Adam could take a bite of the apple and know what blow jobs were.
After that she let Adam have some apple and then they bonked each silly for the rest of the day. Satan laughed as he could do that as there are no S's in laughing but god knew something was wrong and he came back to see Adam and Eve.
"Did you eat the fruit I said was forbidden?" asked god - Adam replied "uh huh" "and you knew I had told you not to?" said god - Adam replied "uh huh" "so what have you got to say for yourself?" asked god. "she started it" said Adam "did not" said Eve "did too" "did not" "bitch" "wanker" and thus god created arguments. god shook his head and banished them from the garden and sent them off to procreate - well, sort of....he told them to fuck off but they knew what fucking was now and it was fun so they did. And lo and behold, they were keen and able (to fuck) so they had children and called them Cain and Abel as god hadn't created spelling or dictionaries yet.
end of lesson 4
(the next shit is really boring as there's a lot of 'begatting' before the next interesting bit)
ps and god said "happy birthday Goth - you sarcastic bastard" and Goth grinned, flipped the bird to the bearded one and buggered off to get pissed.....
miércoles, febrero 28, 2007
martes, febrero 27, 2007
It's an Unbirthday Party
As it's officially my un-birthday again I've decided to have an un-birthday party. I shall not be receiving any cards with stupid jokes about how old, blind, farty or generally not good anymore I am perceived to be. Said cards usually have jokes written by 3 blind monkeys with a typewriter somewhere on planet hallmark. References to my inability to perform like a chimpanzee between the sheets will also not be required. Money in lieu of non-presents will be accepted because I'd have to be stupid not to take money from someone giving it away for no particular reason.
I will not be dancing and in particular I will definitely not be morris dancing. For those of you unaware, basically you dress up like a clown, cover yourself in hadkerchiefs and bells and proceed to prance around like a fairy twatting each other with a stick. All the time that this is occuring some weirdo geek with the personality of a sloppy dog turd is warbling on about #didn't we have a lovely time, the time we hugged a tree, a lovely time with cider, o fiddly diddly dee#. Grrrr even the thought of it makes me want to nuke Cornwall - bastards.
Other non-occurring activities will be the bring your own booze bullshit. What sort of cheapskate twat invites you to a party and then asks you to bring your own alcohol?
Wankers - that's not a party, thats a fucking meeting. What next - come to church but please bring your own god. Yeah I'll just defrost one of those ones I keep in the freezer then.
Un-birthday shags are always welcome of course. You never know when a seabird could come in handy. You could have a sudden fetish for chicken curry and realise - oh bollocks the shops are closed. Never mind, there's always that shag in the cupboard you'd forgotten about. Hooray. The day is saved by a shag and thus a curry - perfect.
Un-official birthday cakes are another non-requirement. All that bollocks with candles and 'jokes' about calling the firebrigade because there are so many candles on the cake. Ha bloody ha. Keep that up and you'll be calling the fire brigade for real when I set fire to your house.
Tuneless renditions of songs mentioning a birthday are also not required, or references to squashed tomatoes and stew either.
Stupid twatty little paper hats are banned. Well, you can wear them if you want but don't be surprised to find your head on fire. Paper hats are for granny parties (the sort where 20 old biddies are sat at a table to celebrate some old girl reaching 90 years old and smelling, well, piss factor 60). I suppose they're ok for chimps as well, but just make sure all the typewriters are locked away.
So, just another day then really.......
I will not be dancing and in particular I will definitely not be morris dancing. For those of you unaware, basically you dress up like a clown, cover yourself in hadkerchiefs and bells and proceed to prance around like a fairy twatting each other with a stick. All the time that this is occuring some weirdo geek with the personality of a sloppy dog turd is warbling on about #didn't we have a lovely time, the time we hugged a tree, a lovely time with cider, o fiddly diddly dee#. Grrrr even the thought of it makes me want to nuke Cornwall - bastards.
Other non-occurring activities will be the bring your own booze bullshit. What sort of cheapskate twat invites you to a party and then asks you to bring your own alcohol?
Wankers - that's not a party, thats a fucking meeting. What next - come to church but please bring your own god. Yeah I'll just defrost one of those ones I keep in the freezer then.
Un-birthday shags are always welcome of course. You never know when a seabird could come in handy. You could have a sudden fetish for chicken curry and realise - oh bollocks the shops are closed. Never mind, there's always that shag in the cupboard you'd forgotten about. Hooray. The day is saved by a shag and thus a curry - perfect.
Un-official birthday cakes are another non-requirement. All that bollocks with candles and 'jokes' about calling the firebrigade because there are so many candles on the cake. Ha bloody ha. Keep that up and you'll be calling the fire brigade for real when I set fire to your house.
Tuneless renditions of songs mentioning a birthday are also not required, or references to squashed tomatoes and stew either.
Stupid twatty little paper hats are banned. Well, you can wear them if you want but don't be surprised to find your head on fire. Paper hats are for granny parties (the sort where 20 old biddies are sat at a table to celebrate some old girl reaching 90 years old and smelling, well, piss factor 60). I suppose they're ok for chimps as well, but just make sure all the typewriters are locked away.
So, just another day then really.......
lunes, febrero 26, 2007
Judas and His Chariot
So jesus decided, being the son of god, he was lucky because god was feared cos he sets fire to bushes he doesn't like, for no reason, and jesus being the son of god was held in awe, and thus he could pick all the best players for his team - the disciples. And so, as a sandal-wearing hippy type dude he said "Dude - you can totally be in my gang" to a number of followers, hitherto known as disciples but previously known as fishermen because they liked to fish. And everyone in the gang was totally happy and followed jesus around like little puppies, cos jesus had lots of bonio dog biscuits in his pockets.
The disciples were most impressed with jesus cos he came up with great ideas like when they had to run away from the romans, or the rozzers as they were known. And when the rozzeres came to persecute them for not being roman, peter or simon or dave or kevin would shout "leg it lads it's the rozzers" and they would run, but they couldn't run very fast cos they were wearing flip-flops as that was the fashion then. And because the flip-flops kept coming off, they would get caught by the rozzers because the romans had straps on their sandals and thus they could run faster.
So jesus said to his disciples "curlest thy toes and then thy sandals will not fall off" and the disciples tried this and then they praised the lord and said "forsooth, jesus has made a miracle as now we can run away without losing our sandals".
Eventually though it came to the crunch, which is very crunchy, and judas was skint as he had lost his job for not turning up as he was busy following jesus and mrs iscariot got really pissed off as she couldn't shop at primark cos she had no money and so judas was not going to get laid. And a roman came up with a great idea to bribe judas with gold and so judas decided to betray jesus, but jesus was totally cool about this as he had already read the script and knew it was going to happen. Jesus said to his disciples, whilst they were having their picture painted for the press at a big table with lots of food, "one of you will betray me" and winked knowingly at judas, who blushed, partly cos the gold was cold against his nuts, and all the disciples said they wouldn't betray jesus cos he was king of the juice, which they liked.
Thus they all made promises and jesus didn't believe any of them, even peter who was his favourite cos he caught the most fish, which jesus liked as he was rather partial to a tuna sandwich after a hard days preaching. Resigned to his fate, jesus went into the garden for a spliff and judas pointed to the romans and said "he's over there" and thus jesus was arrested and nailed to a tree but not before peter had denied that he knew jesus, cos he didn't want to get nailed to a tree as well as it looked bloody painful.
Judas received his 30 gold pieces and splashed out on a new chariot but god was angry with him for being a conniving little git and so, very soon god made judas crash into a tree and judas died and people wandered past on tours and were told the sorry tale of judas and his chariot.
When jesus was nailed to the tree , peter felt really bad and went to ask forgiveness from jesus, who looked very sad but jesus couldn't put his hand on peters head because he had a nail through it. Peter asked for forgiveness and said lots of times that he would never betray jesus or deny him again, ever and he cried and jesus looked down and whispered "peter........peter" and peter crept forward to hear what jesus had to say, and in a very wise and knowing manner, because jesus knew as he had read the script, he said "save us an egg, i'll be back on sunday'.
here endeth the third lesson.
The disciples were most impressed with jesus cos he came up with great ideas like when they had to run away from the romans, or the rozzers as they were known. And when the rozzeres came to persecute them for not being roman, peter or simon or dave or kevin would shout "leg it lads it's the rozzers" and they would run, but they couldn't run very fast cos they were wearing flip-flops as that was the fashion then. And because the flip-flops kept coming off, they would get caught by the rozzers because the romans had straps on their sandals and thus they could run faster.
So jesus said to his disciples "curlest thy toes and then thy sandals will not fall off" and the disciples tried this and then they praised the lord and said "forsooth, jesus has made a miracle as now we can run away without losing our sandals".
Eventually though it came to the crunch, which is very crunchy, and judas was skint as he had lost his job for not turning up as he was busy following jesus and mrs iscariot got really pissed off as she couldn't shop at primark cos she had no money and so judas was not going to get laid. And a roman came up with a great idea to bribe judas with gold and so judas decided to betray jesus, but jesus was totally cool about this as he had already read the script and knew it was going to happen. Jesus said to his disciples, whilst they were having their picture painted for the press at a big table with lots of food, "one of you will betray me" and winked knowingly at judas, who blushed, partly cos the gold was cold against his nuts, and all the disciples said they wouldn't betray jesus cos he was king of the juice, which they liked.
Thus they all made promises and jesus didn't believe any of them, even peter who was his favourite cos he caught the most fish, which jesus liked as he was rather partial to a tuna sandwich after a hard days preaching. Resigned to his fate, jesus went into the garden for a spliff and judas pointed to the romans and said "he's over there" and thus jesus was arrested and nailed to a tree but not before peter had denied that he knew jesus, cos he didn't want to get nailed to a tree as well as it looked bloody painful.
Judas received his 30 gold pieces and splashed out on a new chariot but god was angry with him for being a conniving little git and so, very soon god made judas crash into a tree and judas died and people wandered past on tours and were told the sorry tale of judas and his chariot.
When jesus was nailed to the tree , peter felt really bad and went to ask forgiveness from jesus, who looked very sad but jesus couldn't put his hand on peters head because he had a nail through it. Peter asked for forgiveness and said lots of times that he would never betray jesus or deny him again, ever and he cried and jesus looked down and whispered "peter........peter" and peter crept forward to hear what jesus had to say, and in a very wise and knowing manner, because jesus knew as he had read the script, he said "save us an egg, i'll be back on sunday'.
here endeth the third lesson.
viernes, febrero 23, 2007
Star Trekking Around the Universe
I don't know if you've seen Star Trek, if not, you've probably been on a different planet, like Betelgeuse, forever, but anyway I need some of their stuff. In brief; the programme, it is/was about a starship that went boldly where no man has been before - kind of like going into Glasgow on a Saturday night wearing an England shirt. In a similar fashion to being pissed, the walls were wobbly, strange creatures appeared and talked complete bollocks and women threw themselves upon the cast. I think it's the same as being pissed because when they woke up, the gorgeous woman had turrned into a salivating octupus that wanted to suck their brains out - eerily familiar. Thus, a sort list for you to peruse.....
Being Captain - it's a dirty job but someone has to do it. As Captain, as I was (admittedly of the school basketball team not a starship) you have to tell everyone what to do and, worse, people keep asking you what to do. Ball, into that basket...that's about it really. In the meantime, wave your hands in the air like you don't care - word up. Oh and as Captain, you get to shag anything that you want - hee hee - triple breasted whore of Erogenous 5, no problemo.
Transporter - funky shit. You're in one place, they get your co-ordinates, particle-ise your arse and whoosh, reassemble you somewhere else (preferably not as a caterpillar or something equally stupid). No more trains, planes or automobiles for me then. Basically, you open your flip-top mobile phone, say "beam me up Scotty" and 'schwing' - you are back home. How cool is that? Taxi? My fucking arse - watch this *slowly fades away*
Phaser - a gun you can set to stun. Oh I'd love one of these. "So as I was saying, crop rotation in the 14th century was mainly..." ZAP - enough of that boring shit thankyou. "You're gonna get your fu.." ZAP - ha-ha, think not. "So obviously you did the washi..." ZAP - now, where's the Jack Daniels. You can have a 'kill the fuck" setting also. Useful if you're meeting Bush or other such Klingons (piece of shit that sticks to the furry arse of society) that need to be OFF the planet.
A Vulcan (aka a Logical Friend with Pointy Ears, who is not an Elf) - when you are about to do something stupid, your very own conscience with pointy ears says "that is illogical captain". The cool thing is you are not duty bound to take any notice whatsoever but at least you can argue afterwards that you did have a logical point of view. In the TV show, the engineer, Scotty would say "Captain, we're no gonna make it" to which Spock (he of the pointy ears) would reply "If you take the phasers and shoot them at the dilithium crystals it should create enough power for us to escape" - Scotty -> "That just might work Captain" -> Spock, getting irritated now "The shit worked last week didn't it !!". Logic, can't beat it and you can't cook it.
A Doctor (Bones) who could fix anything with a funky pen - none of this "put your scrotum in my hand and cough" type of diagnosis needed here. Bones just needs a funky pen and 30 seconds later, everything is fixed. Now that's a magic marker. Cellulite? bollocks to that, the pen becomes like human tippex. Death? Ha - I laugh in your face cos I know McCoy can fix me. Piss off and reap somewhere else you sallow faced arse bandit - oh and tell satan the deal is off when you're clocking off.
Landing Party - going somewhere strange on your own? No way Jose. You get three or four pals, with phasers to accompany you. Beware of the one with a different coloured shirt though. He ain't gonna make it - in fact, chances are he/she will be dead within 3 minutes of arriving. Thus, if you are the one with the different coloured shirt on, do a "Beam me up" pronto!!
Buen fin de semana a todos
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY *disappears*
Being Captain - it's a dirty job but someone has to do it. As Captain, as I was (admittedly of the school basketball team not a starship) you have to tell everyone what to do and, worse, people keep asking you what to do. Ball, into that basket...that's about it really. In the meantime, wave your hands in the air like you don't care - word up. Oh and as Captain, you get to shag anything that you want - hee hee - triple breasted whore of Erogenous 5, no problemo.
Transporter - funky shit. You're in one place, they get your co-ordinates, particle-ise your arse and whoosh, reassemble you somewhere else (preferably not as a caterpillar or something equally stupid). No more trains, planes or automobiles for me then. Basically, you open your flip-top mobile phone, say "beam me up Scotty" and 'schwing' - you are back home. How cool is that? Taxi? My fucking arse - watch this *slowly fades away*
Phaser - a gun you can set to stun. Oh I'd love one of these. "So as I was saying, crop rotation in the 14th century was mainly..." ZAP - enough of that boring shit thankyou. "You're gonna get your fu.." ZAP - ha-ha, think not. "So obviously you did the washi..." ZAP - now, where's the Jack Daniels. You can have a 'kill the fuck" setting also. Useful if you're meeting Bush or other such Klingons (piece of shit that sticks to the furry arse of society) that need to be OFF the planet.
A Vulcan (aka a Logical Friend with Pointy Ears, who is not an Elf) - when you are about to do something stupid, your very own conscience with pointy ears says "that is illogical captain". The cool thing is you are not duty bound to take any notice whatsoever but at least you can argue afterwards that you did have a logical point of view. In the TV show, the engineer, Scotty would say "Captain, we're no gonna make it" to which Spock (he of the pointy ears) would reply "If you take the phasers and shoot them at the dilithium crystals it should create enough power for us to escape" - Scotty -> "That just might work Captain" -> Spock, getting irritated now "The shit worked last week didn't it !!". Logic, can't beat it and you can't cook it.
A Doctor (Bones) who could fix anything with a funky pen - none of this "put your scrotum in my hand and cough" type of diagnosis needed here. Bones just needs a funky pen and 30 seconds later, everything is fixed. Now that's a magic marker. Cellulite? bollocks to that, the pen becomes like human tippex. Death? Ha - I laugh in your face cos I know McCoy can fix me. Piss off and reap somewhere else you sallow faced arse bandit - oh and tell satan the deal is off when you're clocking off.
Landing Party - going somewhere strange on your own? No way Jose. You get three or four pals, with phasers to accompany you. Beware of the one with a different coloured shirt though. He ain't gonna make it - in fact, chances are he/she will be dead within 3 minutes of arriving. Thus, if you are the one with the different coloured shirt on, do a "Beam me up" pronto!!
Buen fin de semana a todos
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY *disappears*
jueves, febrero 22, 2007
The Animals Came Two By Two - Oo er, Oo er
So, accordingly to the bible, god created the world and the sea and mountains and fjords and people and aardvarks and things that go "woooooeeeoo". And, being of infinite wisdom, or so he thought at the time, gave them the ability to reproduce, which some of them did quickly like rabbits and rodents and chinese people, whereas some did it slowly like panda bears who practice tantric sex because it was taught to them by monks who could walk on rice paper without tearing it.
Anyway, by chapter 6, god had got bored with what he had created and so, in an 'etch-a sketch' fashion, he decided to shake it all up and start again. So he decided to pick the first hippy he could find and save him. Thus god did that 'appearing out of nowhere with a whoosh' thing, to explain his mission to the hippy, who's name was actually Tarquin C Otter. And god appeared before Tarquin and he boomed "What is your name hippy type dude? for I am your god'. Tarquin, suitably stoned just stared amazed and uttered the words "No way dude". Unfortunately, god's hearing isn't too good when it comes to listening to individuals and he misheard.
"Noah, I shall save thee and thine wife but you must construct an Ark and collect 2 of every living creature".
"But dude, what do I want an Ark for?" asked Tarquin, hitherto known as Noah, "Because" god boomed "I shall make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and flood the earth and then you will start the kingdom of the lord again" and with a 'whoosh' he was gone. When Noah came down he thought what a totally cool trip that had been. But he decided to build an Ark as it seemed like a fun thing to do and god watched him and was pleased becasue god hadn't made TV's or videos yet and heaven was boring.
Then Noah and his wife and sons set about collecting examples of every animal and bird in the world - a flawed principle already I fear. For example, when Noah approached 2 ducks and asked them to come aboard the Ark, the ducks said no. "But god is going to cover the earth in water" - "So" quacked the ducks. Noah realised that they were right so he crossed off his list anything that could float. Then Noah went to the dolphins but they just fell about laughing "ack, ack, ack, ack - we can swim hippy-dude" so Noah had to cross off things that could swim and lived in the water all the time. "Aha!" said Noah pointing to the Skuas in the air "You must come on the Ark". "Don't think so dude, we never leave the air, even sleep flying". Noah got his pencil, which god had invented for this very purpose and crossed them off the list too.
Next Noah approached some otters - "you have to go on the land at times" said Noah, "because you eat eggs and eggs of birds don't live in the sea". The otters giggled and ran around in circles. "Now what" screeched Noah throwing his arms in the air. "We eat fish too" laughed the otters and dived into the water. Noah ate his list and shook his fist at god, and thus piles were created, which god found very amusing but Noah didn't.
Noah returned back home to his wife and wanted to complain but Joan of Ark, as this was her new name, wasn't taking any shit from a hippy even if he was best-mates with god. So once, she had kicked his hippy-arse, again, she returned to practising sword fighting with the rhinos, who hadn't been able to come up with a valid excuse not to get on the Ark.
Eventually, the Ark was constructed and all the animals without notes from their mothers, trooped onto the Ark. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights (thus, god created belgium) and all this time, Noah was shovelling shit because god hadn't mentioned how much poo an elephant can make, and thus there was no toilet in the design of the Ark. After 150 days, enough crap had been dumped that a mountain was created - Mount Ara-fart. The Ark ran aground but only the tip of the shite-burg was showing.
Noah sent forth a dove and it came back with an olive leaf and Noah knew that olives are from greece and grease repels water and they were all safe.
Thus ended the first book of Genesis - Peter Gabriel the Arch Angel left, Phil Collins moved from bongos to switzerland and they all lived happily ever after. Apart from god because he started to get confused in his old age and deciding he was bored of Genesis, tried Exodus and thus Moses became lead singer and parted seas and stuff and thus, god invented the video, so he didn't have to put up with Moses constant complaints about Ten Commandments - "Yeah, but what if it went up to eleven, because that would be one more than ten right?".
Fuck this, thought god and fast forwarded through Leviticus to Numbers - and thus god invented Sesame Street and "The Count who loves, to count".
Here endeth the second lesson ;-)
Anyway, by chapter 6, god had got bored with what he had created and so, in an 'etch-a sketch' fashion, he decided to shake it all up and start again. So he decided to pick the first hippy he could find and save him. Thus god did that 'appearing out of nowhere with a whoosh' thing, to explain his mission to the hippy, who's name was actually Tarquin C Otter. And god appeared before Tarquin and he boomed "What is your name hippy type dude? for I am your god'. Tarquin, suitably stoned just stared amazed and uttered the words "No way dude". Unfortunately, god's hearing isn't too good when it comes to listening to individuals and he misheard.
"Noah, I shall save thee and thine wife but you must construct an Ark and collect 2 of every living creature".
"But dude, what do I want an Ark for?" asked Tarquin, hitherto known as Noah, "Because" god boomed "I shall make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and flood the earth and then you will start the kingdom of the lord again" and with a 'whoosh' he was gone. When Noah came down he thought what a totally cool trip that had been. But he decided to build an Ark as it seemed like a fun thing to do and god watched him and was pleased becasue god hadn't made TV's or videos yet and heaven was boring.
Then Noah and his wife and sons set about collecting examples of every animal and bird in the world - a flawed principle already I fear. For example, when Noah approached 2 ducks and asked them to come aboard the Ark, the ducks said no. "But god is going to cover the earth in water" - "So" quacked the ducks. Noah realised that they were right so he crossed off his list anything that could float. Then Noah went to the dolphins but they just fell about laughing "ack, ack, ack, ack - we can swim hippy-dude" so Noah had to cross off things that could swim and lived in the water all the time. "Aha!" said Noah pointing to the Skuas in the air "You must come on the Ark". "Don't think so dude, we never leave the air, even sleep flying". Noah got his pencil, which god had invented for this very purpose and crossed them off the list too.
Next Noah approached some otters - "you have to go on the land at times" said Noah, "because you eat eggs and eggs of birds don't live in the sea". The otters giggled and ran around in circles. "Now what" screeched Noah throwing his arms in the air. "We eat fish too" laughed the otters and dived into the water. Noah ate his list and shook his fist at god, and thus piles were created, which god found very amusing but Noah didn't.
Noah returned back home to his wife and wanted to complain but Joan of Ark, as this was her new name, wasn't taking any shit from a hippy even if he was best-mates with god. So once, she had kicked his hippy-arse, again, she returned to practising sword fighting with the rhinos, who hadn't been able to come up with a valid excuse not to get on the Ark.
Eventually, the Ark was constructed and all the animals without notes from their mothers, trooped onto the Ark. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights (thus, god created belgium) and all this time, Noah was shovelling shit because god hadn't mentioned how much poo an elephant can make, and thus there was no toilet in the design of the Ark. After 150 days, enough crap had been dumped that a mountain was created - Mount Ara-fart. The Ark ran aground but only the tip of the shite-burg was showing.
Noah sent forth a dove and it came back with an olive leaf and Noah knew that olives are from greece and grease repels water and they were all safe.
Thus ended the first book of Genesis - Peter Gabriel the Arch Angel left, Phil Collins moved from bongos to switzerland and they all lived happily ever after. Apart from god because he started to get confused in his old age and deciding he was bored of Genesis, tried Exodus and thus Moses became lead singer and parted seas and stuff and thus, god invented the video, so he didn't have to put up with Moses constant complaints about Ten Commandments - "Yeah, but what if it went up to eleven, because that would be one more than ten right?".
Fuck this, thought god and fast forwarded through Leviticus to Numbers - and thus god invented Sesame Street and "The Count who loves, to count".
Here endeth the second lesson ;-)
miércoles, febrero 21, 2007
Silent Night, Holy......Shite
So the long awaited Champions League game for Man Utd against Lille came and went, just. It seemed organised but maybe the omens were there to start with. Firstly, I got the afternoon off work to travel to the game in France, Lens to be precise. A quite incorrect name for a town because they were obviously blind to what was about to transpire. Arriving at the train station to get to my rendezvous with the lads, plenty of time to spare, the Belgian train company decided to cancel all trains. Triffic - thanks for that you bastards.
So, one 70 Euro taxi ride later and I get to the rendezvous with time to spare. Or so we thought. In attempting to drive out of Bruxelleswe were hampered by a derailed tram. How the fuck do you derail a tram? Try and power-slide it round a corner? Anyway, once on the highway we arrived in Lens with a few hours to spare - phew *wipes brow*.
Now whether the guys had heard me or just chose to ignore my statement of "bet we're in the French supporters part of the crowd" they certainly understood when we took our seats in amongst 20,000 fervent Lille supporters!!!
The game itself contained 2 flashpoints on the pitch and rather more off it. The Man Utd fans were tear-gassed for complaining about being crushed. The fact that twice as many people were in that section than were supposed to be seemingly irrelevant. When Lille scored the crowd erupted around us. The fact that they were so fervent obviously obscuring the fact that the goal had been disallowed for at least 3 minutes. Oh dear, how sad, never mind eh?! *chuckles*
Then the real fun started. United scored with a quickly taken free kick, Tippler jumped up and shouted "Yes - get in there!" whilst I just thought 'that's probably not the wisest of moves based on our current location'. He hurredly sat down as chaos erupted around us. The Lille players were told to leave the pitch so as to effectively nullify the game (completely against the rules). Our position in the front row facillitated us watching the missiles being flung at the pitch sail over our heads. Fortunately, their aim was as good as their team's strikers.
Thankfully, nothing else transpired and we were able to leave the ground unharmed at the final whistle. A 1-0 victory just dandy. Then the second part of our adventure began. Lens was gridlocked and no-one knew why. So for 1 & 1/2 hours we sat, not moving whilst what seemed like a hundred Gendarme stood there, moving even less. I could maybe understand if we were the Utd fans but we were in the pack with their fellow countrymen. Go figure!!
Eventually, we arrived back in Bruxelles around 3am instead of the hoped for 12:30. Six-thirty am get up for work? Yeah right - this time I can legitimately blame it on the French. And to top it all, the winning goal was scored by a Welshman - ha ha, justice is served *laughs heartily*.
*curls up in a ball to go to sleep with a broad grin*
a luego,
S
So, one 70 Euro taxi ride later and I get to the rendezvous with time to spare. Or so we thought. In attempting to drive out of Bruxelleswe were hampered by a derailed tram. How the fuck do you derail a tram? Try and power-slide it round a corner? Anyway, once on the highway we arrived in Lens with a few hours to spare - phew *wipes brow*.
Now whether the guys had heard me or just chose to ignore my statement of "bet we're in the French supporters part of the crowd" they certainly understood when we took our seats in amongst 20,000 fervent Lille supporters!!!
The game itself contained 2 flashpoints on the pitch and rather more off it. The Man Utd fans were tear-gassed for complaining about being crushed. The fact that twice as many people were in that section than were supposed to be seemingly irrelevant. When Lille scored the crowd erupted around us. The fact that they were so fervent obviously obscuring the fact that the goal had been disallowed for at least 3 minutes. Oh dear, how sad, never mind eh?! *chuckles*
Then the real fun started. United scored with a quickly taken free kick, Tippler jumped up and shouted "Yes - get in there!" whilst I just thought 'that's probably not the wisest of moves based on our current location'. He hurredly sat down as chaos erupted around us. The Lille players were told to leave the pitch so as to effectively nullify the game (completely against the rules). Our position in the front row facillitated us watching the missiles being flung at the pitch sail over our heads. Fortunately, their aim was as good as their team's strikers.
Thankfully, nothing else transpired and we were able to leave the ground unharmed at the final whistle. A 1-0 victory just dandy. Then the second part of our adventure began. Lens was gridlocked and no-one knew why. So for 1 & 1/2 hours we sat, not moving whilst what seemed like a hundred Gendarme stood there, moving even less. I could maybe understand if we were the Utd fans but we were in the pack with their fellow countrymen. Go figure!!
Eventually, we arrived back in Bruxelles around 3am instead of the hoped for 12:30. Six-thirty am get up for work? Yeah right - this time I can legitimately blame it on the French. And to top it all, the winning goal was scored by a Welshman - ha ha, justice is served *laughs heartily*.
*curls up in a ball to go to sleep with a broad grin*
a luego,
S
martes, febrero 20, 2007
Stuff That For a Game of Soldiers
Taxidermy - what's that about then? Gadzooks, I should rephrase the question - it is why, not what is taxidermy. I understand the principle of taxidermy well enough. Living thing dies, strip out it's guts - stuff sand or something up it's arse and VOILA - a stuffed dead thing. Why the hell would you want to do that? "Ooo, look at granny - doesn't she look so peaceful sat in her rocking chair". Yeah. That'll be on account of the fact she's dead with half a ton of sawdust where her insides used to be.
People do it with pets all the time. "Ooo look, this is my favourite cat, Boris" - "doesn't move as much as he used to but he likes his daily stroke". WTF?!
I think the Egyptians started it - little rascals. Dead king, lets shove a load of shite up his arse and build a pyramid on his head. Of course, they slightly fucked up with the 'lets put lots of valuable things in too'. Like a neon sign blaring in the night 'Robbers - this way - lots of free groovy stuff!!'. King Tut had his Karma well and truly rodgered when that secret got out. He had to show his arse just to get sympathy from the devil - hence the name Tut-in Karma-Mooned.
What I have never figured out, and quite frankly, can't be arsed to contemplate, is why someone would want a dead 'something' hanging around anyway. It's dead - get over it, and, if it's too big to get over, get around it. When I die, which I eventually will - although I'm having fun evading the Duke of Death at the moment - I do not want some weirdo shoving sawdust up my butt. What if it impacts your afterlife? Slowly wake up to a chorus of blissful naked angels with their baps out singing #take me to the moon, let me play amongst your stars# and....shit, you can't move because your previous incarnation is sitting in a museum somewhere in a jesus christ pose.
Nope, for me, taxidermy is a leap off the cliff of sanity. Feel free to try it if you want but don't come crying to me covered in bandages going "ooooooweeeoooo the parachute didn't work".
"Stuffing sir?" - fuck off and take your 'waiters from hell' with you.
a luego,
S
People do it with pets all the time. "Ooo look, this is my favourite cat, Boris" - "doesn't move as much as he used to but he likes his daily stroke". WTF?!
I think the Egyptians started it - little rascals. Dead king, lets shove a load of shite up his arse and build a pyramid on his head. Of course, they slightly fucked up with the 'lets put lots of valuable things in too'. Like a neon sign blaring in the night 'Robbers - this way - lots of free groovy stuff!!'. King Tut had his Karma well and truly rodgered when that secret got out. He had to show his arse just to get sympathy from the devil - hence the name Tut-in Karma-Mooned.
What I have never figured out, and quite frankly, can't be arsed to contemplate, is why someone would want a dead 'something' hanging around anyway. It's dead - get over it, and, if it's too big to get over, get around it. When I die, which I eventually will - although I'm having fun evading the Duke of Death at the moment - I do not want some weirdo shoving sawdust up my butt. What if it impacts your afterlife? Slowly wake up to a chorus of blissful naked angels with their baps out singing #take me to the moon, let me play amongst your stars# and....shit, you can't move because your previous incarnation is sitting in a museum somewhere in a jesus christ pose.
Nope, for me, taxidermy is a leap off the cliff of sanity. Feel free to try it if you want but don't come crying to me covered in bandages going "ooooooweeeoooo the parachute didn't work".
"Stuffing sir?" - fuck off and take your 'waiters from hell' with you.
a luego,
S
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