lunes, febrero 26, 2007

Judas and His Chariot

So jesus decided, being the son of god, he was lucky because god was feared cos he sets fire to bushes he doesn't like, for no reason, and jesus being the son of god was held in awe, and thus he could pick all the best players for his team - the disciples. And so, as a sandal-wearing hippy type dude he said "Dude - you can totally be in my gang" to a number of followers, hitherto known as disciples but previously known as fishermen because they liked to fish. And everyone in the gang was totally happy and followed jesus around like little puppies, cos jesus had lots of bonio dog biscuits in his pockets.

The disciples were most impressed with jesus cos he came up with great ideas like when they had to run away from the romans, or the rozzers as they were known. And when the rozzeres came to persecute them for not being roman, peter or simon or dave or kevin would shout "leg it lads it's the rozzers" and they would run, but they couldn't run very fast cos they were wearing flip-flops as that was the fashion then. And because the flip-flops kept coming off, they would get caught by the rozzers because the romans had straps on their sandals and thus they could run faster.

So jesus said to his disciples "curlest thy toes and then thy sandals will not fall off" and the disciples tried this and then they praised the lord and said "forsooth, jesus has made a miracle as now we can run away without losing our sandals".

Eventually though it came to the crunch, which is very crunchy, and judas was skint as he had lost his job for not turning up as he was busy following jesus and mrs iscariot got really pissed off as she couldn't shop at primark cos she had no money and so judas was not going to get laid. And a roman came up with a great idea to bribe judas with gold and so judas decided to betray jesus, but jesus was totally cool about this as he had already read the script and knew it was going to happen. Jesus said to his disciples, whilst they were having their picture painted for the press at a big table with lots of food, "one of you will betray me" and winked knowingly at judas, who blushed, partly cos the gold was cold against his nuts, and all the disciples said they wouldn't betray jesus cos he was king of the juice, which they liked.

Thus they all made promises and jesus didn't believe any of them, even peter who was his favourite cos he caught the most fish, which jesus liked as he was rather partial to a tuna sandwich after a hard days preaching. Resigned to his fate, jesus went into the garden for a spliff and judas pointed to the romans and said "he's over there" and thus jesus was arrested and nailed to a tree but not before peter had denied that he knew jesus, cos he didn't want to get nailed to a tree as well as it looked bloody painful.

Judas received his 30 gold pieces and splashed out on a new chariot but god was angry with him for being a conniving little git and so, very soon god made judas crash into a tree and judas died and people wandered past on tours and were told the sorry tale of judas and his chariot.

When jesus was nailed to the tree , peter felt really bad and went to ask forgiveness from jesus, who looked very sad but jesus couldn't put his hand on peters head because he had a nail through it. Peter asked for forgiveness and said lots of times that he would never betray jesus or deny him again, ever and he cried and jesus looked down and whispered "peter........peter" and peter crept forward to hear what jesus had to say, and in a very wise and knowing manner, because jesus knew as he had read the script, he said "save us an egg, i'll be back on sunday'.

here endeth the third lesson.

20 comentarios:

Tippler dijo...

And, a few weeks later, Jesus bumped into a disciple. It was Thomas, without a doubt.

Except there was a doubt, as Thomas had the effrontery* to doubt it was Jesus.

"Alright," said Doubting Thomas, "If you're Jesus 'n that, bloody prove it. Go and do that 'walking on water' thing. Go on, go on..."

So Jesus just shrugged in a super-cool-just-back-from-the-dead kind of way and stepped out onto Lake Galilee.

Ten seconds later he sank, much to Thomas's mirth. "I knew you weren't Jesus, you lying c***!" said He-Of-Little-Faith.

"Bollocks!" said Our Saviour; "It's never been the same since I got those holes in me feet..."

Here endeth the lesson. Amen.

*Effrontery: a bit like "Ebackery" but viewed from a different angle.

Teeny dijo...

Now if the bible had been as much fun to read as this post, I would've actually went to church...

Rozzers - snort.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I zent to church - once.

Actually, my son did make me spit out my holy water when he was getting christened. Vic, for that was Mr Ar's first name was wearing a microphone and as he went to make the cross sign on my son's head he let out a very audible and thus very amplified GRRRRRRRRRRR

How we laughed - ha ha ha or was it ho ho ho ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

Haha! I should present this version to BF's parents. . .

Calamity Jane dijo...

Ahahaha! Mad as a bag of squirrels, the lot of you.

SpanishGoth dijo...

and proud of it ;-)

nice and cosy living in a bag.

As for this to BF's parents, don't do it when I'm around thankyou. They might riverdance me or anything.....

Drama Queen dijo...

I just pi$$ed myself laughing at your frog comment over at Cat's place. A 'thank god I'm not a frog' party. . .priceless!

going through a tough time dijo...

I think i may have actually peed my pants! I'm so liking this bible theme.definitely taking my mind off the last week's events! You made me and my sister (lovely saviour of my sanity)who's visiting and never seen a blog before, laugh out loud. Thought I'd show her your posts as she's mad as a box of frogs so thought it'd go well with a bag of squirrels(she's hot too BTW ;-))

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yikes - Golden Showers alert.

Hold on while I fetch me brolly.

Glad to put a smile on your face though.

Coming Soon - Adam, Eve and the Fruit Salad.......

Drama Queen dijo...

*Hmmmm* Nice to know the sister gets shown round Goth's place and not mine. I had the best china out and everything. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

You were in Ireland you little Minx - I'm sure they tried knocking....

PI dijo...

I'm speechless, which makes a change, but it reminded me of years ago when Jilly Cooper did a piece on Princess Michael who was a friend. When it was Jilly's Silver Wedding, Princess M sent her some silver - 30 pieces. I have often wondered - is it possible to be a successful writer or journalist and keep faith with your friends?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Speechless in a good way I hope :-)

going through a tough time dijo...

we await with baited breath over what you're going to do with adam,eve and the man from del-monte!

MKWM dijo...

I'm speechless too (but not in a good way, as you can imagine).
All I can say here is that the disciples had beautiful names...
Don't you agree, Goth Master?

Old Broad dijo...

"So jesus said to his disciples "curlest thy toes and then thy sandals will not fall off"
Holy shit, that's funny!!!

bananas62 dijo...

can you give the homily next week??? I would love to see the expression on some of these people's faces at church! hee hee

kimmyk dijo...

You're not right.

I'll be back tomorrow to see what else you got to say for yourself.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Adam and Eve I'm working on but I do get 7 days to have a crack at it ;-)

Minky -> I know one of the disciples had a good name but I didn't expect my view to be universally popular - however, I always said if I made one person smile a day, I would feel it worthwhile

OB -> figured that might appeal to you :-)

Bananas -> funnily enough I'm not that popular in churches. I think they used to object to me wearing my Marilyn Manson shirt with the message on the back "When I'm god everyone dies"......for some reason

KimmyK -> not right? as in incorrect or not right in the head? Not that either one bothers me really....

James dijo...

Quality stuff SG.