Judas and His Chariot

So jesus decided, being the son of god, he was lucky because god was feared cos he sets fire to bushes he doesn't like, for no reason, and jesus being the son of god was held in awe, and thus he could pick all the best players for his team - the disciples. And so, as a sandal-wearing hippy type dude he said "Dude - you can totally be in my gang" to a number of followers, hitherto known as disciples but previously known as fishermen because they liked to fish. And everyone in the gang was totally happy and followed jesus around like little puppies, cos jesus had lots of bonio dog biscuits in his pockets.

The disciples were most impressed with jesus cos he came up with great ideas like when they had to run away from the romans, or the rozzers as they were known. And when the rozzeres came to persecute them for not being roman, peter or simon or dave or kevin would shout "leg it lads it's the rozzers" and they would run, but they couldn't run very fast cos they were wearing flip-flops as that was the fashion then. And because the flip-flops kept coming off, they would get caught by the rozzers because the romans had straps on their sandals and thus they could run faster.

So jesus said to his disciples "curlest thy toes and then thy sandals will not fall off" and the disciples tried this and then they praised the lord and said "forsooth, jesus has made a miracle as now we can run away without losing our sandals".

Eventually though it came to the crunch, which is very crunchy, and judas was skint as he had lost his job for not turning up as he was busy following jesus and mrs iscariot got really pissed off as she couldn't shop at primark cos she had no money and so judas was not going to get laid. And a roman came up with a great idea to bribe judas with gold and so judas decided to betray jesus, but jesus was totally cool about this as he had already read the script and knew it was going to happen. Jesus said to his disciples, whilst they were having their picture painted for the press at a big table with lots of food, "one of you will betray me" and winked knowingly at judas, who blushed, partly cos the gold was cold against his nuts, and all the disciples said they wouldn't betray jesus cos he was king of the juice, which they liked.

Thus they all made promises and jesus didn't believe any of them, even peter who was his favourite cos he caught the most fish, which jesus liked as he was rather partial to a tuna sandwich after a hard days preaching. Resigned to his fate, jesus went into the garden for a spliff and judas pointed to the romans and said "he's over there" and thus jesus was arrested and nailed to a tree but not before peter had denied that he knew jesus, cos he didn't want to get nailed to a tree as well as it looked bloody painful.

Judas received his 30 gold pieces and splashed out on a new chariot but god was angry with him for being a conniving little git and so, very soon god made judas crash into a tree and judas died and people wandered past on tours and were told the sorry tale of judas and his chariot.

When jesus was nailed to the tree , peter felt really bad and went to ask forgiveness from jesus, who looked very sad but jesus couldn't put his hand on peters head because he had a nail through it. Peter asked for forgiveness and said lots of times that he would never betray jesus or deny him again, ever and he cried and jesus looked down and whispered "peter........peter" and peter crept forward to hear what jesus had to say, and in a very wise and knowing manner, because jesus knew as he had read the script, he said "save us an egg, i'll be back on sunday'.

here endeth the third lesson.