jueves, febrero 15, 2007

Buckle up - It's Showtime

As there has been some discussion recently in the blogging community about songs from musicals (and yes, it probably was me that started it, and yes, it was me who actively encouraged it) I decided to tackle this issue head-on. Granted it will be more like a head-on car crash but hopefully we can all use jesus as an airbag.

What is a Musical?

This is actually quite complex to answer. A musical is a film or play where they use music or songs instead of talking - that would be the simplistic explanation. However, it becomes more complex depending on how the music appears and why. I don't have a huge issue with musicals if it's Opera, a damn fine art form, or musicals based on musical themes - a fairly legitimate aim. No, I am talking about the attempt to turn some bullshit 'non-film' into a film using music where the music doesn't fit - e.g. I don't know that many street gangs who would dance at each other as in West Side Story - in real life, expect guns, knives and lots of dead people. And while I'm on topic, phrases like "I'm gonna smoke you dude" uttered by big black hard bastards in New York, will not produce the expected reaction if you say it in the red-light part of Amsterdam.

What is a Decent Musical?

One in which the music is part of and intrinsic to the plot. For example, The Blues Brothers (featuring a number of famous artistes parodying public perceptions of themselves), The Rocky Horror Picture Show (one of the finest musicals ever made) with a quite ludicrous plot but a brilliant pastiche on horror movies, science fiction etc. If you've never attempted "The Time Warp" - you haven't lived and songs like "T-t-t-t-touch me, I want to be dirty" - class!

What is a Shite Musical?

Any where the script is shite or the actors are shite or the plot is thinner than a gnat's penis and more often than not, they are all mixed together in a turd-soup. The theory I suppose is that, in a vain attempt to make some money some idiot decides that the cast will sing their dialogue. Yes, you read it right, sing the bloody dialogue. I don't now which moron came up with the concept but trust me, when I knock the bearded one off his throne and I become Goth, that moron is first to be shot, or turned into a pot plant. So, effectively we have a shite script, a shite cast - all thats needed now are some puke inducing songs and hooray, one huge globule of faeces to dump on an unsuspecting world.


I think probably the first musical I saw was Mary Poppins. So let's confirm - Dick Van Dyke (who couldn't do a cockney accent if you shoved Big Ben - the clock, not the porn actor, up his arse), Julie Andrews (who can't do any accent other than 'plum in the mouth' English) - yep, that's the cast then. So some bright spark decided that a nanny who could fly using her umbrella, could jump into grafitti and make it real etc was cool. Man, that dude must have been tripping when he agreed to that. So now we need some shite songs - covered. "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" - yeah right. "Truly Scrumptious" - fuck me, they're making words up now.

The Sound of Music - yep, Andrews at it again being a nanny and talking/singing in a silly voice again. This time, no flying though, now she can escape from the Nazis by dancing across a mountain. Bitch! Steve Mc Queen couldn't escape and he was on a motorbike and a damn sight fucking cooler (when he wasn't in the cooler, for being cool). "I am 16 going on 17" - okily dokily but 16 what - tons? feet? shags? - give us a fucking clue. "Doh, ray, me, fart" - what a crock of shit.

Conclusion Musicals suck. Don't take my word for it though, watch the 'King of Rock and Roll' Elvis (not to me btw) in GI Blues and tell me you believe. Watch Judy Garland say "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" - fucking hell, I've never been to Kansas but I know it's not full of witches with houses on their head, munchkins who sing songs for no reason and a yellow brick road! "We're off to see the wizard...." is just another way of saying "We're off to do a line of coke now".

a luego,

11 comentarios:

Lynx dijo...

Methinks the man protests too much! You know you love 'em really. What could be better than Grease, apart from maybe Grease 2?

I'm sure I saw you renting a copy of "High School Musical - Karaoke Sing-a-long version" from Blockbusters last week.

Drama Queen dijo...

Man! can we not drop this theme already?

*Pulls at her hair in frustration*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Not guilty sir. Never even been to Blockbusters. Although, curiously enough I passed the DVD shop last night and there was a condom machine on the wall outside - connection there?!

DQ -> this is why I posted it, now it's over and done with....I hope

Happy non-VD ;-)

Teeny dijo...

Maybe the reason films like Mary Poppins and The Wizard of Oz are so popular is because they remind people of their childhood? Not necessarily a bad thing I suppose.

But what I can't forgive is when a good book is made into a heinous film. I'm terrified to see what Hollywood have done to Charlotte's Web.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I know what you mean when it comes to books failing to be lovingly crafted into a decent movie. I think one of the highest chances of failure recently was Lord of The Rings but they managed it.

A lot of the time I won't watch the movie if I loved the book - don't want to spoil the memories.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

"Springtime for Hitler" was a seminal meisterwerk. Nazi uniforms were just made for dancing in. The words were just poetry: "Springtime for Hitler and Germany, winter for Poland and France ..."

SpanishGoth dijo...

Funnily enough I did think of Springtime for Hitler but I wasn't overly into the movie as a whole - but indeed, top song

Dan B (no, not Bennett, think harder) dijo...

Speaking of Judy Garland, there is a popular new group on Yahoo called THE JUDY GARLAND EXPERIENCE. They have amazing audio files, great photo's, lively discussions and more! If you are a Judy fan you need to check this site out. All of Judy's biggest fans are there.

Shaz dijo...

Hmmm . . . .contemplates sitting in the corner as the one & only musical fan (not all mind)& agree with Teeny. But alsa my gob is too big to keep shut therefore "I thinks Goth knows an awful lot about musicals & classic lines???"

All I'm going to say is "Chicago"

Going Through a Tough Time dijo...

my brother used to hide behind the couch when the childcatcher came on the scene in chitty chitty bang bang so good memories of child hood were not had from musicals in our house.my dad setting up a full acoustic set in the kitchen and us being allowed to sing as backing vocals now that's what good memories are made of.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I don't hate all musicals - just most of them. As for knowing the lines, I will watch most things once and I do have a very good memory - hence why I win lots of quizzes.

The Judy Garland Experience - yikes, sounds like a theme night in a gay bar.

Chicago - yup, that's where the Blues Brothers was set ;-)