The Animals Came Two By Two - Oo er, Oo er

So, accordingly to the bible, god created the world and the sea and mountains and fjords and people and aardvarks and things that go "woooooeeeoo". And, being of infinite wisdom, or so he thought at the time, gave them the ability to reproduce, which some of them did quickly like rabbits and rodents and chinese people, whereas some did it slowly like panda bears who practice tantric sex because it was taught to them by monks who could walk on rice paper without tearing it.

Anyway, by chapter 6, god had got bored with what he had created and so, in an 'etch-a sketch' fashion, he decided to shake it all up and start again. So he decided to pick the first hippy he could find and save him. Thus god did that 'appearing out of nowhere with a whoosh' thing, to explain his mission to the hippy, who's name was actually Tarquin C Otter. And god appeared before Tarquin and he boomed "What is your name hippy type dude? for I am your god'. Tarquin, suitably stoned just stared amazed and uttered the words "No way dude". Unfortunately, god's hearing isn't too good when it comes to listening to individuals and he misheard.

"Noah, I shall save thee and thine wife but you must construct an Ark and collect 2 of every living creature".

"But dude, what do I want an Ark for?" asked Tarquin, hitherto known as Noah, "Because" god boomed "I shall make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and flood the earth and then you will start the kingdom of the lord again" and with a 'whoosh' he was gone. When Noah came down he thought what a totally cool trip that had been. But he decided to build an Ark as it seemed like a fun thing to do and god watched him and was pleased becasue god hadn't made TV's or videos yet and heaven was boring.

Then Noah and his wife and sons set about collecting examples of every animal and bird in the world - a flawed principle already I fear. For example, when Noah approached 2 ducks and asked them to come aboard the Ark, the ducks said no. "But god is going to cover the earth in water" - "So" quacked the ducks. Noah realised that they were right so he crossed off his list anything that could float. Then Noah went to the dolphins but they just fell about laughing "ack, ack, ack, ack - we can swim hippy-dude" so Noah had to cross off things that could swim and lived in the water all the time. "Aha!" said Noah pointing to the Skuas in the air "You must come on the Ark". "Don't think so dude, we never leave the air, even sleep flying". Noah got his pencil, which god had invented for this very purpose and crossed them off the list too.

Next Noah approached some otters - "you have to go on the land at times" said Noah, "because you eat eggs and eggs of birds don't live in the sea". The otters giggled and ran around in circles. "Now what" screeched Noah throwing his arms in the air. "We eat fish too" laughed the otters and dived into the water. Noah ate his list and shook his fist at god, and thus piles were created, which god found very amusing but Noah didn't.

Noah returned back home to his wife and wanted to complain but Joan of Ark, as this was her new name, wasn't taking any shit from a hippy even if he was best-mates with god. So once, she had kicked his hippy-arse, again, she returned to practising sword fighting with the rhinos, who hadn't been able to come up with a valid excuse not to get on the Ark.

Eventually, the Ark was constructed and all the animals without notes from their mothers, trooped onto the Ark. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights (thus, god created belgium) and all this time, Noah was shovelling shit because god hadn't mentioned how much poo an elephant can make, and thus there was no toilet in the design of the Ark. After 150 days, enough crap had been dumped that a mountain was created - Mount Ara-fart. The Ark ran aground but only the tip of the shite-burg was showing.

Noah sent forth a dove and it came back with an olive leaf and Noah knew that olives are from greece and grease repels water and they were all safe.

Thus ended the first book of Genesis - Peter Gabriel the Arch Angel left, Phil Collins moved from bongos to switzerland and they all lived happily ever after. Apart from god because he started to get confused in his old age and deciding he was bored of Genesis, tried Exodus and thus Moses became lead singer and parted seas and stuff and thus, god invented the video, so he didn't have to put up with Moses constant complaints about Ten Commandments - "Yeah, but what if it went up to eleven, because that would be one more than ten right?".

Fuck this, thought god and fast forwarded through Leviticus to Numbers - and thus god invented Sesame Street and "The Count who loves, to count".

Here endeth the second lesson ;-)