Star Trekking Around the Universe

I don't know if you've seen Star Trek, if not, you've probably been on a different planet, like Betelgeuse, forever, but anyway I need some of their stuff. In brief; the programme, it is/was about a starship that went boldly where no man has been before - kind of like going into Glasgow on a Saturday night wearing an England shirt. In a similar fashion to being pissed, the walls were wobbly, strange creatures appeared and talked complete bollocks and women threw themselves upon the cast. I think it's the same as being pissed because when they woke up, the gorgeous woman had turrned into a salivating octupus that wanted to suck their brains out - eerily familiar. Thus, a sort list for you to peruse.....

Being Captain - it's a dirty job but someone has to do it. As Captain, as I was (admittedly of the school basketball team not a starship) you have to tell everyone what to do and, worse, people keep asking you what to do. Ball, into that basket...that's about it really. In the meantime, wave your hands in the air like you don't care - word up. Oh and as Captain, you get to shag anything that you want - hee hee - triple breasted whore of Erogenous 5, no problemo.

Transporter - funky shit. You're in one place, they get your co-ordinates, particle-ise your arse and whoosh, reassemble you somewhere else (preferably not as a caterpillar or something equally stupid). No more trains, planes or automobiles for me then. Basically, you open your flip-top mobile phone, say "beam me up Scotty" and 'schwing' - you are back home. How cool is that? Taxi? My fucking arse - watch this *slowly fades away*

Phaser - a gun you can set to stun. Oh I'd love one of these. "So as I was saying, crop rotation in the 14th century was mainly..." ZAP - enough of that boring shit thankyou. "You're gonna get your fu.." ZAP - ha-ha, think not. "So obviously you did the washi..." ZAP - now, where's the Jack Daniels. You can have a 'kill the fuck" setting also. Useful if you're meeting Bush or other such Klingons (piece of shit that sticks to the furry arse of society) that need to be OFF the planet.

A Vulcan (aka a Logical Friend with Pointy Ears, who is not an Elf) - when you are about to do something stupid, your very own conscience with pointy ears says "that is illogical captain". The cool thing is you are not duty bound to take any notice whatsoever but at least you can argue afterwards that you did have a logical point of view. In the TV show, the engineer, Scotty would say "Captain, we're no gonna make it" to which Spock (he of the pointy ears) would reply "If you take the phasers and shoot them at the dilithium crystals it should create enough power for us to escape" - Scotty -> "That just might work Captain" -> Spock, getting irritated now "The shit worked last week didn't it !!". Logic, can't beat it and you can't cook it.

A Doctor (Bones) who could fix anything with a funky pen - none of this "put your scrotum in my hand and cough" type of diagnosis needed here. Bones just needs a funky pen and 30 seconds later, everything is fixed. Now that's a magic marker. Cellulite? bollocks to that, the pen becomes like human tippex. Death? Ha - I laugh in your face cos I know McCoy can fix me. Piss off and reap somewhere else you sallow faced arse bandit - oh and tell satan the deal is off when you're clocking off.

Landing Party - going somewhere strange on your own? No way Jose. You get three or four pals, with phasers to accompany you. Beware of the one with a different coloured shirt though. He ain't gonna make it - in fact, chances are he/she will be dead within 3 minutes of arriving. Thus, if you are the one with the different coloured shirt on, do a "Beam me up" pronto!!

Buen fin de semana a todos
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY *disappears*