viernes, febrero 23, 2007

Star Trekking Around the Universe

I don't know if you've seen Star Trek, if not, you've probably been on a different planet, like Betelgeuse, forever, but anyway I need some of their stuff. In brief; the programme, it is/was about a starship that went boldly where no man has been before - kind of like going into Glasgow on a Saturday night wearing an England shirt. In a similar fashion to being pissed, the walls were wobbly, strange creatures appeared and talked complete bollocks and women threw themselves upon the cast. I think it's the same as being pissed because when they woke up, the gorgeous woman had turrned into a salivating octupus that wanted to suck their brains out - eerily familiar. Thus, a sort list for you to peruse.....

Being Captain - it's a dirty job but someone has to do it. As Captain, as I was (admittedly of the school basketball team not a starship) you have to tell everyone what to do and, worse, people keep asking you what to do. Ball, into that basket...that's about it really. In the meantime, wave your hands in the air like you don't care - word up. Oh and as Captain, you get to shag anything that you want - hee hee - triple breasted whore of Erogenous 5, no problemo.

Transporter - funky shit. You're in one place, they get your co-ordinates, particle-ise your arse and whoosh, reassemble you somewhere else (preferably not as a caterpillar or something equally stupid). No more trains, planes or automobiles for me then. Basically, you open your flip-top mobile phone, say "beam me up Scotty" and 'schwing' - you are back home. How cool is that? Taxi? My fucking arse - watch this *slowly fades away*

Phaser - a gun you can set to stun. Oh I'd love one of these. "So as I was saying, crop rotation in the 14th century was mainly..." ZAP - enough of that boring shit thankyou. "You're gonna get your fu.." ZAP - ha-ha, think not. "So obviously you did the washi..." ZAP - now, where's the Jack Daniels. You can have a 'kill the fuck" setting also. Useful if you're meeting Bush or other such Klingons (piece of shit that sticks to the furry arse of society) that need to be OFF the planet.

A Vulcan (aka a Logical Friend with Pointy Ears, who is not an Elf) - when you are about to do something stupid, your very own conscience with pointy ears says "that is illogical captain". The cool thing is you are not duty bound to take any notice whatsoever but at least you can argue afterwards that you did have a logical point of view. In the TV show, the engineer, Scotty would say "Captain, we're no gonna make it" to which Spock (he of the pointy ears) would reply "If you take the phasers and shoot them at the dilithium crystals it should create enough power for us to escape" - Scotty -> "That just might work Captain" -> Spock, getting irritated now "The shit worked last week didn't it !!". Logic, can't beat it and you can't cook it.

A Doctor (Bones) who could fix anything with a funky pen - none of this "put your scrotum in my hand and cough" type of diagnosis needed here. Bones just needs a funky pen and 30 seconds later, everything is fixed. Now that's a magic marker. Cellulite? bollocks to that, the pen becomes like human tippex. Death? Ha - I laugh in your face cos I know McCoy can fix me. Piss off and reap somewhere else you sallow faced arse bandit - oh and tell satan the deal is off when you're clocking off.

Landing Party - going somewhere strange on your own? No way Jose. You get three or four pals, with phasers to accompany you. Beware of the one with a different coloured shirt though. He ain't gonna make it - in fact, chances are he/she will be dead within 3 minutes of arriving. Thus, if you are the one with the different coloured shirt on, do a "Beam me up" pronto!!

Buen fin de semana a todos
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY *disappears*

10 comentarios:

Aunty Marianne dijo...

You missed a couple of bits.

Being Captain means you get to take your shirt off more than anyone else in the crew.

Being an efficient Communications Officer is not possible without the wearing of an extremely short skirt and, in one ear ONLY, the decorative end of one of those off-the-rack curtain rails from IKEA.

Pets are NOT allowed on board.

Spock should not be allowed to mind-mold with tunnel-dwelling fast-moving man-eating Sixties print-and-fur duvet cover monsters.

That will be all. I will now go and take off my Klingon outfit.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

I used to fancy Mr Chekhov like mad. Foreign accents have always got my juices flowing.

Working in the Berlaymont was a bit like being on board the Enterprise. Too many Klingons and not enough Vulcans in my opinion. But Captain Barroso would look good with his boots tucked into his trousers, don't you think?

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Me again. Forgot to tell you to go and check out Captain Picard's Journal, brilliantly written.

Mr Farty dijo...

"To hell with stun, set phasers to deep-fat fry!"

Need to work on the Vulcan and downplay the Klingon...

Old Broad dijo...

Leave it to you to break it down.
BTW, this from aunty marianne is hilarious!
"Being an efficient Communications Officer is not possible without the wearing of an extremely short skirt and, in one ear ONLY, the decorative end of one of those off-the-rack curtain rails from IKEA."
I pissed myself.
Call Doc & his magic pen for me, will ya?

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Bones was a genius. Not only could he bring people back to life after pronouncing them dead, but he could outperform Spock in the "raising-one eyebrow-to-express-ironic-disdain" contests.

Drama Queen dijo...

I return from a place that no women has gone to before (i.e to meet BFs parents). I arrive home stronger having conquered this new found land.

Hell. I'm just thankful to be alive.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Indeed; the curtain rails from ikea - don't know how I glided past that one.

Chekhov making juices flow - gaarrggh information overload

Deep-fat-fry - top setting. Let's prawn toast the fuckers.

trying to raise Bones at the moment OB - think his communicators on answer-phone

The eyebrows indeed have it GB - like caterpillars break-dancing

DQ's back from Insidious 5 then? hooray and not a hairdryer in sight ;-)

Tippler dijo...

Doesn't Luc Picard 'baldly' go?

Just a thought...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oooooo Christmas Cracker jokes - hoorah.

"up me bum Scotty" - that's your punchline, now come up with the joke (kind of like Jeopardy - in the US)....