miércoles, febrero 28, 2007

The Birthday of Goth and the Birth of Man ?

So having got bored with creating animals, as anyone who has ever seen a duck-billed-platypus can see (aw fuck it, stick a beak on it !) , god created the garden of Eden. Essentially, it was like a little windowbox of perfection with trees and bushes and caterpillars and snakes and talking trees of knowledge and trees of good and evil - basically there were a lot of clever trees.

Next god decided that he needed a sprinkler system so he created clouds. But before that, he got dead clever and made water come up from the ground in streams cos he thought, then the water would have somewhere to go when it fell from the clouds. While he was still pissing about with water he thought he might as well show off so he created condensation and evaporation and precipitation and lot of other ..tions. And satan heard about this new marvellous place and snook in for a quick preview. He decided to disguise himself as a snake as he had overheard god talk about them but he slightly misheard and turned himself into a snake with a fork for a tongue, which was really handy for picking things up like peas as he had no arms or legs or fingers, but was really crap for talking. "Thith fucking thucks" hissed satan - which pissed him off cos he sounded like a twat now he had a lisp.

Meanwhile, god became bored of his water period and so he created man and woman (depends if you think god is male or female as to who came first but usually the man comes first) so god named him Adam so that he came first in the dictionary before Eve. And god gave Eve big tits because he wanted to and they were naked and god said "look at all the lovely things here i have created for you, everything can you play with, except that apple because i need to bonk Newton on the head with that later else you will never understand this gravity thing i created". And Adam and Eve grinned and said "what's gravity?" and god thought 'you won't ask that when your tits sag Eve' but didn't say anything cos he was omni-forgetful.

Adam and Eve wandered round and smiled and held hands and boring stuff like that, but Eve's bouncing baps were creating a problem with Adam's willy. And thus, Adam got an erection and they both marvelled at it and Eve said "wow, can i touch it?" and Adam said "stand back love, i don't know how big this gets". Satan was watching and so he decided to have some fun. When Adam wasn't watching - he was still stroking his willy cos it felt good but he didn't know why - satan said to Eve "eat thith apple it'th thimply thuper" so Eve did and then she knew what Adams willy was for. She decided to make the most of it before Adam could take a bite of the apple and know what blow jobs were.

After that she let Adam have some apple and then they bonked each silly for the rest of the day. Satan laughed as he could do that as there are no S's in laughing but god knew something was wrong and he came back to see Adam and Eve.

"Did you eat the fruit I said was forbidden?" asked god - Adam replied "uh huh" "and you knew I had told you not to?" said god - Adam replied "uh huh" "so what have you got to say for yourself?" asked god. "she started it" said Adam "did not" said Eve "did too" "did not" "bitch" "wanker" and thus god created arguments. god shook his head and banished them from the garden and sent them off to procreate - well, sort of....he told them to fuck off but they knew what fucking was now and it was fun so they did. And lo and behold, they were keen and able (to fuck) so they had children and called them Cain and Abel as god hadn't created spelling or dictionaries yet.

end of lesson 4

(the next shit is really boring as there's a lot of 'begatting' before the next interesting bit)

ps and god said "happy birthday Goth - you sarcastic bastard" and Goth grinned, flipped the bird to the bearded one and buggered off to get pissed.....

17 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

Fantastic. Even got me out of my pit to read.

My young cousin, my AUNTIE'S daughter once asked us. . .if Adam and Eve only had son's how did they populate the world. I mean who did they marry and have children with???

A seven year old picking flaws in the Bible? Surely not possible.

Happy Birthday Goth and what with your immortality I am predicting many more to come.

Tippler dijo...

Happy Barfday

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sorry you're ill but glad I made you smile.

Sorry to piss on your bonfire about the gits breeding but I do actually know the answer to that. They got around it in the bible by introducing the Nephilim (also happens to be the name of one of my favourite bands - Fields of the Nephilim) but as per usual with the bible it's all so contradictory it confuses everyone, not just 7 year olds.

Tx for the birthday wishes *hugs and Gothic lemsip to you *

Tx Tippler - will try not to barf on you ;-)

kimmyk dijo...

Who knew satan had a lisp!

I always knew there was more to this story!

Happy Birthday to ya! What are ya forty--xx???

SpanishGoth dijo...

BIRTHDAY

Go here and Vote for Pat just scroll down to Southern Conference Game 6.

Why? cos it's my birthday and she doesn't smell of piss (she said so yesterday) - hooray, no pressie required

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Happy birthday old bean. Wishing you many more.

Drama Queen dijo...

Excuse my ignorance but Nephilim? WFT.

SpanishGoth dijo...

"The word nephilim is loosely translated as giants or titans in some translations of the Bible, and is left as nephilim in others:

When man began to multiply on the face of the land and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose. Then the LORD said, "My Spirit shall not abide in man forever, for he is flesh: his days shall be 120 years." The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of man and they bore children to them. These were the mighty men who were of old, the men of renown."


According to Chariots of the Gods, a bit of a half baked idea that god was a spaceman (very popular in the 60's) the Nephilim were extra terrestrials, according to other sources, they were angels who were thrown down from heaven.

Whichever way, they did a lot of shagging hence why 2 blokes (after Abel was killed, god knocked up another brother, Seth) could populate the planet.

Hope this helps

Daphne -> thankyou

going through a tough time dijo...

Happy birthday Goth. Thanks for the bible lesson, wish my sunday school classes had been like this! My daughter also asked 'where did the first baby ever come from?' when she was 5,as think she thought that making men from dirt and a woman from a rib sounded a bit far fetched,she spends a lot of time pondering our existence! I should just let her read your posts. do you do a children's version without the swear words?

shellibells dijo...

i loved this....thanks for the laugh. and thanks for visiting! xo

going through a tough time dijo...

oh and now you're views on the amazing coincidence that a well known film producer has done what archaeologists, scientists and pretty much every treasure hunter on the whole planet has been trying to do for the last 2000years, and he's found the caskets of jesus, with remnants of a body(thus destroying the whole ressurection story-i was looking forward to my easter eggs as well), his WIFE and surprise surprise, their SON! I may be being slightly cynical here but do you think he's trying to make a movie out of it? with the slight chance of destroying all of Christian beliefs? Surely Not!!

Mr Farty dijo...

I'd just like to be the first to wish you a merry x-mas.

*runs away*

PI dijo...

Definition of gravity - sagging tits is very funny - unless you're on the receiving end and then it's bruised knees and egos!

PI dijo...

Oh thenk you dear! Just seen your mensh!

Old Broad (going back to Hill soon) dijo...

"Thith fucking thucks"
I'm done.
ROTFLMAO!!
I have a new Short Story up you might enjoy.
And...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Gotttttttttth
Happy Birthday to you.
Vaya con Dios, amigo.

SpanishGoth dijo...

GtaTT -> your child doesn't swear? I'll think about it.....As for the caskets etc - bit of a stretch that one. They reckon they can prove it using DNA - how? What are they going to compare it too. As for Mary and the son thing, that story has been raging since 1947 and the Dead Sea Scrolls discovery

Shellibells -> np - had to find out what YSB had planned with the snowman (thinks very much the same way I do :)

Mr Farty -> congrats, indeed first

Pi -> indeed, saggy tits not fun but gravity isn't much fun at times, like when you're pissed. np re: the mention

OB -> thought it might appeal - love that pic btw

Cream dijo...

Happy Birthday to you and moi!
Daphnée let the cat out.