sábado, febrero 03, 2007

Avoiding Death

Death, in itself, is usually a bad thing. Every day and every night Mr Death is loping around, scythe in hand waiting to claim some more recruits. Quick farewell to Mrs Death, who barely looks up from the washing up but merely replies "Have a nice day/night reaping dear - and don't forget to snuff out the cat" and he's out of the door.

Unfortunately, death is rather inevitable but there's a time and a place. However, before the time arrives for you to shuffle off this mortal coil, there are a few things that you can do to prevent it. Below is a list of DO NOT's to ignore at your peril, each one given a Probability of Death Rating - PoDR based on their individual likelihood.


Go flying - by this I am not talking about the 'flying in a plane' thing as that is relatively safe, unless you're silly enough to fly a plane across a NATO airbase without permission. Granted, anyone doing this 'flying in dodgy space' shite without permission, is as 'mad as a pineapple' and deserves to be taken out of the human equation. I'm talking about the, drop some acid, think I can fly, so jump off a tenth floor window ledge to prove it. Word to the wise, dickhead, why not try a takeoff from the ground first? Even planes do it that way. PoDR - 98%

Stick your head in a crocodile/sharks mouth - One occurence of this could be considered an accident, but when it keeps happening, jesus where do they get these morons from? "What's that?" "The teeth look a bit sharp" - that's because they fucking are, fuckwit. Don't do it - it's not big and it's not clever!! PoDR - 80%

Touch things that have signs saying - Don't. For example, a sign that says "Don't Touch - 40,000 Volts", is not an invitation to touch it to prove to your friends how big and hard you are. 240 Volts hurts and if you don't believe me, try taking a lightbulb out and touch the connection - go on I dare you! So, now your hair is standing on end, try and do the logic....... 240 -> 40,000 is quite a big leap and that's what will happen to you. End result, one very charred idiot. PoDR = 92%

Play with guns. Guns were invented for one reason, killing. For this very reason alone you shouldn't mess with them, quite aside from the fact that even being associated with them screws with your head. Look at Charlton Heston for example, one day prancing around the desert in a dress, parting seas and doing wise things, next day goes to play with the NRA (National Rifle Assosciation) and immediately becomes exactly the sort of wanker that the guns should be used on. "But it's in the Constitution, our right to bear arms" he bleats. Yeah, right to kill kids also is it? Fuck off and take your loser playmates with you. PoDR=70% (I know logically it should be 50% depending which end of the gun you're at, but we're talking real 'Darwin missing links' here)

Living in a small country that Bush can't pronounce. Dangerous one this because Bushfuck is in charge of some really big guns. If he can't pronounce the name, fuck it - let's blow them up. That'll teach them won't it Darth Cheney? Woe betide you if you're living in Iran (you're next on the list). I think the plan was something like, invade China - can't, they're too big and I like Chinese food, STOP, turn around and bomb every country we pass on our way home. Ok, if you live in Belgium; nothing to offer except chips and well, that's about it really (and the country is already flat so not much point then). PoDR=80%

Over indulge (Food, Drink, Drugs). 'Everything in moderation', it is said, is the way to go. Not a very well thought out phrase methinks - 'death in moderation?'. However, overindulging with F,D,D can be so tempting for Mr Death to come rap, rap, rapping on your door. Overeat and you explode or just squash small people - take your seat on the bus without seeing you sat on a small person - dead. Overdrink and your liver fucks off to Picklesville - dead. Drugs - already mentioned. PoDR=70% proof.

Come and go at the same time. Death by sex sounds wonderful, if you are the dead one. However, have some empathy for the surviving one. The guy, comes and goes at the same time. Do you think there's any way that the woman can get layed for a few years? No fucking chance is the answer - "er, no thanks, that's a killer pussy". Not really any better the other way round either as the guy would be doing the usual and assuming his partner was not moving as she was enjoying it so much. Word to the wise pal - if the back isn't arching you are not in the scoring zone. Later, he will have to explain to the police why he was Necromancing. PoDR = 69%

Get Old. It's relatively easy, when you are young, to avoid death coming. If you're really cool you may even be able to 'blind-side' the Duke of Death and 'thunder' the motherfucker (get behind him and yank his skids up sharply before running off laughing). When you get old though, trouble at mill. Death comes floating along, in a Star Wars Sand Speeder way, you know you want to run, but, in a dream kind of way, you're running your arse off in one spot. Zap. Dead. Son-of-a-bitch!!!!! PoDR = 100%

Have a good weekend and, be excellent to each other,

ps Mariposa -> besos y te quiero mi media naranja :-x
pps sorry it's late, I apparently aggravated the motherfucker even before I posted this yesterday so he decided to take out another person I love - TWAT!!!!

12 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

What's the pps all about, Goth Master, what happened?

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

But all the things I should avoid sounds like fun, except the getting old. I'd die young from all the above.

Drama Queen dijo...

OK so the ps translate as:

Butterfly -> kisses and I want you my orange average

I'm confused.

I also wrote a death inspired post on Friday! Have you been lurking around my archives for too long?

Drama Queen dijo...

Dearest Goth boy

So I want to do a ‘adopt a blog’ theme for this week. I was hoping you might want to come take up residence at mine. It would only be for one post but I’d be keen to throw the doors open and see what someone else would write after walking about in my shoes.

Besides I want a day off. I’m tried and grumpy.

Being a man and a man of the witty variety I think you might prove refreshing to my purple pastels.

You can write about anything.

If you agree we can exchange emails to send me the post.

I would love if you could agree. You were my first, obvious, choice in the boy’s brigade. I think my readers would welcome you. OK so I know they will since I see them lurking about here. . .

You will see what I mean in my next post and Teeny has offered to go first so she’ll hand you the keys over when she leaves.


SpanishGoth dijo...

YSB -> especially the coming and going at the same time one I thought

DQ -> actually, the closest you could get it to in English - Kisses and I love you my other half of an orange. Nearest phrase I know in English is you complete me.

As for the 'adopt a blog' thing - is your e-mail addy on your site somewhere?

MKWM dijo...

Thanks for ignoring me, who was worried something bad happened to one of your beloved ones.

Apparently, YOU are still alive and well...

Drama Queen dijo...

Ahh, that is so sweet. I hope I'm m Boyfriend's other orange half.

Somtimes I get a I love you but mainly I get lots of hugs and looks of adoration. I'd like to be an orange though. . .

And do we have a yes for the blog?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sorry MK - just having trouble focussing as I have another bout of the flu. In answer to your question, yes another death in the family.

Nothing to worry about though, more of a me 'being there' for my mother.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Indeed, you have a yes for the blog....

Drama Queen dijo...

Yikes, sorry to hear about that. The death, that is and not the writing for my blog.

A big thank you for the blog bit.

My email is posted in my comments for you. I'd leave it here but you can never be too sure of your clientele ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Funnily enough - exactly the same reason I never leave mine here ;-)

MKWM dijo...

You have our deepest sympathy, Goth Master. And get well soon. xx

Unfortunately, I have no one to complete me...