martes, febrero 13, 2007

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Ok

I'm not really a lumberjack. Seems like far too much hard work to me - "I cut down trees - I skip and jump - I like to press wild flowers - I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.". Nope. That's some shit you can keep right there! Bizarrely enough, I actually like my job. I get paid to do what I would do as a hobby. Granted I would have preferred to be a rock star but, you can't always get what you want.

There are a lot of jobs I would NOT like to do. Catering - working in McDuffers or Bugger King. No thanks - days wearing a silly outfit repeating the same inane drivel "do you want fries with that?" - "Well DUH, it's a fucking milkshake. Did you, at any point hear me request fries? No? That's because I don't want any!!". If (and it would have to be a pretty big fucking IF) I had to work in catering, I'd work in one of those really posh restaurants where you get to take the piss out of people for using the wrong fork or something. Not only that but the tips are bigger than a monthly salary at McBollocks. Also, I bet you get free shags from posh women. They've been told that a 'bit of rough' is very exciting. You have a slight blob of moutarde on your outfit, that's it - you're from the wrong side of the tracks - WEY-HEY.

I also would not want to be a journalist (no offence intended to certain journos who might stagger past here) but, I don't think my liver could take it. Staff meetings - in the pub. Interviews - in the pub. Lunch - 3 hours of drinking in the ...wait for it... yup, the pub. When you read 'a well informed source' replace that with 'a well lubricated sauce' - that's how they got the quote. Loose lips sink ships apparently. I can't think how this would happen really *scratches his head* I mean you'd have to be pretty careless to let your lips loose without noticing that they'd turned into a submarine or something.

Gravedigger - boring. Dig a hole and then, dig another hole and then....oh quelle surprise, dig another hole. Basically, you are being paid to be a mole. And, I would presume you are not allowed to listen to Black Sabbath on a ghetto-blaster whilst working. Might upset those people in black....go figure ?!

Carpet cleaner in a peep show - yeah right. I know it's a dirty job and someone's got to do it, but that person is not me. I'll let your imagination figure out what it entails.

Men's Outfitter - don't think so. All the 'oooh, suits you Sir' whilst weirdo chutneys keep coming to get their inside leg measured purring "Higher darling". Bollocks to that. Must be like having your leg 'dry-humped' by a dog.

Gynaecologist - strange you might think eh? The opportunity to be in contact with pussy all day and get paid for it and I'm turning it down. I'm sure it's some blokes wet-dream job but not me. For me, no way, for one simple reason, choice. If Mrs Yeti turns up sweating and covered in rolls of fat and hair, it's your duty to dive right in. Don't think so - count me right fucking out on that one.

Boxer - weirdos. Spend months skipping and running up and down stairs, punching frozen meat and hanging out in pet shops for what. A weirdo girlfriend and someone trying to kick your arse. Not to mention the brain damage. They actually had it before they got in the ring, just confirmed it after they got knocked on their sorry arse. I'm with Richard Pryor on this one "So I'm lying on the floor and the referees counting 1-2-3.... I don't know what the fuck you're counting for - I ain't getting up. Someone in the crowd shouts - GET UP - Fuck you! that's how I got down here in the first place!".

Artificial Inseminator - I know what it involves but this takes all the fun out of procreation. Semen -> test tube -> syringe etc. Maybe the results are there but what happened to the fun bit? And you have to wear a dodgy outfit to do it - and no, I am not talking about a Batman costume.

Parking Attendant - damned if you do and damned if you don't (give a ticket I mean). Peeps complain about not being able to park but get arsey when their vehicle gets a ticket. Just follow the patent-pending UK method and get a 'Disabled Ticket'. Effectively, this allows you to park anywhere, as fat slug Prescott proved many times. Meanwhile, the meter maid is hiding in case 'lard-arse' sits on her instead of paying the ticket.

Espero que su trabajo no es aburrido e un buen dia para todos XXX
S

21 comentarios:

Shaz dijo...

Here, Here . . . & the Council Worker in his/her little illuminous yellow jacket & tongs picking up used condoms in the park, scooping dog sh*t (coz not everyone, self excluded, scoops their own poop!)& half eaten Greggs' pasties (yuck!). Not for all the tea in China thank-you

MKWM dijo...

I must confess I didn't read your post yet. Much work to do today as well, so just passing by, saying:

Good morning, Goth Master.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I agree with that shaz - bit like Trigger from Only Fools...

Where evil X still live in the UK, they would also be collecting used syringes too. Lovely place to live NOT.

Hi Minky

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

You give the impression of being Mr Picky by saying 'no' to all those mostly worthy occupations.

Had I not been a circus performer I would have been a priest. Had all the required qualities. Still do, in fact.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yikes - you like choirboys then? Goodness gracious - glad my song repertoire heads more toward the satanic then...

Going Through a Tough Time dijo...

I also am fortunate enough to do something i regard as a very enjoyable hobby the unfortunate part is in order to make any money from it I have to deal with PEOPLE!! there's some who obviously think that because they're paying me money they therefore own me and can often be as rude and obnoxious as they like. The nice polite ones who treat and talk to me as they would like to be treated are a joy, the others get the same polite treatment from me but 25% added to their bill.x

SpanishGoth dijo...

Top stuff Foxey Lady. I would hope to be on the 'not getting 25% added' list ;-)

Going Through a Tough Time dijo...

no chance the people i deal with that get that added have money but no sense and no manners and from what i've noted of you so far you have both.even if they don't know they're being taught a lesson it gives me some sense of satisfaction to dish it out. I have to say though I treat my others with the respect they deserve. oh and the song i laughed at the other day was by Frankie Lane and Doris Day and is definitely worth a listen just to be believed.!

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

You're confusing a common vice of priests with a job requirement. The satanists only look good on the surface. Underneath, they are putrid and impotent, apart from the Devil himself, who shags like a goat.

Drama Queen dijo...

Just a hi. Unlike Minky I did read your post, it just didn't stay in my head very long. Nothing personal, just a bad day.

*Holds out her arms and waits for a hug*

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> No Problem my love *takes her into his arms* - my Gothic cloak is at your disposal if you need to hiide in the shadows until the sun reappears.

GB -> Good job I didn't say I was a satanist then. Apart from having to explain the two mini-Goths I don't feel much like being putrid.

Shaz dijo...

Goth your comment boxes are starting to resemble a "Chat Line" (only slower & slightly more interesting) therefore I can often follow the jist of the chat!!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yeah - I'm thinking of starting an online dating service too...so many lonely peeps around.

Still, as long as people smile when they're here, I have achieved my aim

*sits down with a Jack Daniels and a cigarette*

Going Through a Tough Time dijo...

I would kill for an alcoholic drink and a cigarette right now(i quit over a year ago but oh so tempting today!) half term and minding someone elses moody, bad tempered ungrateful child who also i may add has no manners to be heard of and i think at the moment is rifling through my bedroom drawers.wouldn't be a child minder for all the money in the world!!

Shaz dijo...

Sits back & smiles. Isn't lonely just doesn't watch TV much & likes to Blog!

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

Yep, I puked at the Gynaecologist crack not once but 6 times. My first day working would be the woman who stopped shaving her legs 40 years ago. I can feel the puke shooting up again.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Quit drinking or smoking or both? Whichever, I hate the thought of any of them. I had to stop drinking whisky on medical grounds, if I kept drinking it Mariposa was going to kicks me in the bollox.

I assume the twatty behaviour of said brat is hereditary? Assuming my detective skills are correct that is...


Shaz -> you may change your mind after todays posting ;-)


YSB -> hence why it's on my not list. F all chance of getting Kylie Minogue on my first day either...

Going Through a Tough Time dijo...

you assume correctly on the hereditary front (i nearly put heretic - slip of the keys? i think not)I quit smoking, the drinking, although done with less fervour now i have to be at least partly grown up and responsible, is still undertaken with enjoyment :-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oh well, can't condemn you on that front at all. Does said rascal have 666 on their head by any chance?

Tippler dijo...

Three hour lunches in the pub? You're having a larf!

More like six.

Oops! Lunch time...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Thought you'd never rise to the bait on that one matey - should have guessed you were busy drinking ;-)