Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

No they bloody weren't. This is why you only had one hit Mr Carl Douglas. Your powers of observation are basically shit. That must be a right kick in the bollocks when you consider Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles etc - no observation, lots of hits.

Anyway, Goths don't fight. Far too busy walking backwards in a dark room reciting poetry. I did actually do martial arts and no, not bloody origame. Should have represented Wales at Judo but halfway through my training I discovered women and life was never quite the same. Did Karate too - years later - but got bored of all that bowing when you enter the Dojo, doing press-ups on your knuckles and getting told off for kicking my opponent in the knackers (balls to you who don't understand English) because he had the temerity to punch me in the chest...."ha, who's crying AAARRGGHH now mother-fucker".

Realistically, who wants to break a log in half with their bare hands. Use a chainsaw you moron, it's quicker, cooler and noisier. Also, you have a perfectly good reason for carrying a chainsaw down the High Street on a busy Saturday morning. That's ok officer, just on my way to a sawing competition.

So, simple quiz (you have to use your imagination here...)

Vote A - if you want to sweat doing silly dancing whilst your partner attempts to knock you out
Vote B - if you want to sweat, jogging horizontally with a partner of your choice who kisses it (better)

I know which queue I'm going to be in ;-) The long one!!!!

I know martial arts look really fab and groovy on screen but, in reality, use your brain. Don't get into stupid situations in the first place. If you do get cornered, use your brain and get the fuck out - fast. I have been 'jammed' up a few times but my brain always came to the rescue. Of course, it helps with the knowledge that you can kick the crap out of any attacker - in my case, if they are less than three feet tall, old and disabled or three years old, young and still talking nonsense. Bet you think you're all 'hard as nails' now. Oh dear, have you learned nothing?! Yoda was all of those things and could do all that fighting shite and he was just a puppet.......

When in doubt RUN - and teach your partner to run so you don't have to go back to 'save' them. You can laugh at the shit when you're back home in Gothingham Palace. "Shit babe", *panting* "I beat you home by 5 minutes". Of course, in reality, I would never abandon a maiden in distress - very un-Goth like behaviour. You just avoid trouble by observing your surroundings. If you see a lot of people running in one direction and they don't have numbers on their vests, it's a fair chance that whatever they are running from/toward involves nothing but trouble. When in doubt, get the fuck out.

Of course, you could get a gun, but what if they - 'pure nastiness and his gang of officers' have bigger guns? "I'm sorry, could you just wait while I get an upgrade?" - highly unlikely to work. Ergo, do not get into the male-orientated bullshit of "my dick is bigger than yours". Don't care, not interested. I won't be using yours, have no intention of cock fighting with you, so go and take your egocentric nonsense somewhere else. Even better, go and ask that crocodile for a blow-job and we can laugh at the consequences. I know you're stupid enough to do it as you've already proven your mental capacity in the usual pattern. Or prove you can pull the weight of a car using your todger alone. Then it will be REALLY big (actually, very long and you'll have to wind it up on a phallus reel or something but at least you'll stop hassleing me).

rant over,
S

*saunters off to work on his Black Magic Potions*