Ten Incredibly Useless Facts to Mull Over

1) It is possible to drown a fish. Dragging it backwards in water drowns it. It must be rather disheartening to arrive at the Pearly Gates and having to cough to why you're there. "Well, I was just doing that swimmy thing and breathing underwater when suddenly, WHOOSH, I shot backwards, drowned and here I am. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to be able to breath underwater but I didn't know I was going to get whooshed."

2) Pigeons can explode. Amazing but true. It's got something to do with a bird's inability to fart - bit like the Queen really (not you DQ). So anyway, the methodology is something like this. Feed them popcorn, when it reacts to their stomach acid POOF - one shower of feathers that used to be a pigeon.

3) To free a rottweiler's jaws, grab it by the testicles. My overwhelming sense of curiosity leads me to ask the question - who the fook found that one out? And whatever possessed them to think of grabbing it by the chuds? Personally, I would have used a gun (always handy to carry one in your superhero utility belt).

4) Dolphins sleep with one eye open. So, next time you're planning to sneak up on a dolphin before shouting BOO - you have a 50% chance of making it jump out of the water. Of course, you could just throw a fish in the air but that's not half as much fun is it?

5) The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. Now I beg to differ on this one. First, there's no mention of it being 'unaided' flight. Secondly, if it wasn't verified my Norris McWhirter, it doesn't count. Who decided to time it anyway? Must have been american - nobody else would wander round with a stop-watch looking for things to time. I mean, that's a pretty sad life to be having. I'm fairly positive that they didn't need to count the times between shags. If that's your social life I don't think theres much chance you'll be shagging anyone.

6) An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. Cool - I know where I'm going on holiday then. Be like a child in a sweet shop. Come along ladies, orderely queue on the left please although I'm not sure about the logistics of getting through 6,000 a day though. I'm fit but, 4 a minute - strewth I'd have to resort to the Chinese way of bonking - Chook Hai -> next. I think that's why theres so many Chinese people. I suppose I could share some of the workload (eek - make it sound like a chore rather than a pleasure). Does make sense to be selective though. Fat chicks, other line please, braces other line - yeah, I''m getting the hang of this now.

7) Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. Good enough reason to be inventing light builbs then.

8) A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. Go girl go. But, this begs the question of when a bloke can ask for a divorce. Could have a field day on this one. Suffice to say I'm fairly positive I know what will top the poll for most blokes. Makes perfect sense to me anyway ;-)

9) Approx. 4000 people are injured by teapots each year. Now how did they find this statistic out? Spend an evening in the Accident & Emergency quizzing people on how they got their injury. Well, I'm sorry but if I turned up with a bump on my head there's no way that I'm coughing to having whacked myself with a teapot. I used to have a girlfriend who was a nurse at the local A & E and I used to love the true stories she used to tell. The guy with the deoderant lid stuck up his arse "My girlfriend must have done it whilst I was asleep" (yeah, right) to the guy who refused to sit down for 3 hours. When a nurse finally had the time to ask him why he was there he motioned her to one side and removing his overcoat displayed the reason - one plastic coat hanger extremely stuck and going nowhere. And before you think it's only men who are the morons - let's have a round of applause for the women with a coke bottle well and truly jammed up her tunnel of love. The excuse, "I fell off a ladder in the cellar and landed on a crate. As I wasn't wearing any underwear it must have shot up there" - happens all the time love!!!

And finally, my favourite........

10) All porcupines float in water. Cool, now all I need is to find a prickle of porcupines (and yes it is the correct term before you go off skating round the net to check this) and then casually start lobbing them into the nearest lake or river. This is exactly the sort of behaviour that my brain classifies as 'a really good idea' when I have one or more Jack Daniels. I know in retrospect that these 'really good ideas' are in fact nothing of the sort but they do seem to propogate themselves whenever alcohol is thrown into the equation. So put on your glad rags, grab some take out and join me on the river bank. Extra points for clocking a passing canoeist with the spiky flying mammals.

hasta luego,
S