jueves, febrero 01, 2007

Ten Incredibly Useless Facts to Mull Over

1) It is possible to drown a fish. Dragging it backwards in water drowns it. It must be rather disheartening to arrive at the Pearly Gates and having to cough to why you're there. "Well, I was just doing that swimmy thing and breathing underwater when suddenly, WHOOSH, I shot backwards, drowned and here I am. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to be able to breath underwater but I didn't know I was going to get whooshed."

2) Pigeons can explode. Amazing but true. It's got something to do with a bird's inability to fart - bit like the Queen really (not you DQ). So anyway, the methodology is something like this. Feed them popcorn, when it reacts to their stomach acid POOF - one shower of feathers that used to be a pigeon.

3) To free a rottweiler's jaws, grab it by the testicles. My overwhelming sense of curiosity leads me to ask the question - who the fook found that one out? And whatever possessed them to think of grabbing it by the chuds? Personally, I would have used a gun (always handy to carry one in your superhero utility belt).

4) Dolphins sleep with one eye open. So, next time you're planning to sneak up on a dolphin before shouting BOO - you have a 50% chance of making it jump out of the water. Of course, you could just throw a fish in the air but that's not half as much fun is it?

5) The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. Now I beg to differ on this one. First, there's no mention of it being 'unaided' flight. Secondly, if it wasn't verified my Norris McWhirter, it doesn't count. Who decided to time it anyway? Must have been american - nobody else would wander round with a stop-watch looking for things to time. I mean, that's a pretty sad life to be having. I'm fairly positive that they didn't need to count the times between shags. If that's your social life I don't think theres much chance you'll be shagging anyone.

6) An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. Cool - I know where I'm going on holiday then. Be like a child in a sweet shop. Come along ladies, orderely queue on the left please although I'm not sure about the logistics of getting through 6,000 a day though. I'm fit but, 4 a minute - strewth I'd have to resort to the Chinese way of bonking - Chook Hai -> next. I think that's why theres so many Chinese people. I suppose I could share some of the workload (eek - make it sound like a chore rather than a pleasure). Does make sense to be selective though. Fat chicks, other line please, braces other line - yeah, I''m getting the hang of this now.

7) Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. Good enough reason to be inventing light builbs then.

8) A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. Go girl go. But, this begs the question of when a bloke can ask for a divorce. Could have a field day on this one. Suffice to say I'm fairly positive I know what will top the poll for most blokes. Makes perfect sense to me anyway ;-)

9) Approx. 4000 people are injured by teapots each year. Now how did they find this statistic out? Spend an evening in the Accident & Emergency quizzing people on how they got their injury. Well, I'm sorry but if I turned up with a bump on my head there's no way that I'm coughing to having whacked myself with a teapot. I used to have a girlfriend who was a nurse at the local A & E and I used to love the true stories she used to tell. The guy with the deoderant lid stuck up his arse "My girlfriend must have done it whilst I was asleep" (yeah, right) to the guy who refused to sit down for 3 hours. When a nurse finally had the time to ask him why he was there he motioned her to one side and removing his overcoat displayed the reason - one plastic coat hanger extremely stuck and going nowhere. And before you think it's only men who are the morons - let's have a round of applause for the women with a coke bottle well and truly jammed up her tunnel of love. The excuse, "I fell off a ladder in the cellar and landed on a crate. As I wasn't wearing any underwear it must have shot up there" - happens all the time love!!!

And finally, my favourite........

10) All porcupines float in water. Cool, now all I need is to find a prickle of porcupines (and yes it is the correct term before you go off skating round the net to check this) and then casually start lobbing them into the nearest lake or river. This is exactly the sort of behaviour that my brain classifies as 'a really good idea' when I have one or more Jack Daniels. I know in retrospect that these 'really good ideas' are in fact nothing of the sort but they do seem to propogate themselves whenever alcohol is thrown into the equation. So put on your glad rags, grab some take out and join me on the river bank. Extra points for clocking a passing canoeist with the spiky flying mammals.

hasta luego,
S

27 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Buenas...

Coming first, just to piss everyone else off. Now I can proceed reading today's post.
Hasta luego!

Drama Queen dijo...

But master I don't fart!

Also I have a friend who is a surgeon. Funniest story he has is about the guy who tried to kill himself by putting a pencil UP! HIS! NOSE! and slamming his face (and the pencil) against a desk. . .ouch!

p.s Boss in meeting *she says smugly*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Whoah *slips on DQ's writing* - Queens never fart but why would you think I thought you would? As for the pencil, did he have his underparts on his head also and kept saying 'wibble'?

MK -> I have no issue with you coming first my love *bows politely*

MKWM dijo...

I had a good laugh with the odd injuries but what follows is simply un-be-lie-va-ble:

8) A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

C'mon, this can't possibly be a divorce case in any country whatsoever! Besides, Muslim women (among others) are supposed to serve men and not the way around.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sad but true. It came from a list on the BBC website - granted I have embellished but the statements in bold are all true.

Will try and find the ref for you (reference, not referee !).

As for women are supposed to serve men, well not my belief but, while you're down there....... ;-)

MKWM dijo...

Well, I speak for myself. I like to serve the man I love, I feel it's natural and I even take pleasure doing it.

(I sure would like to see that BBC reference!!)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Can't find the exact place I pulled it from on the beeb but here it is on the Guardian newspapers web site.

Apparently, they're at it in - Turkey too "So much so that a law was passed in Turkey making it grounds for divorce if a husband refused his wife coffee."

So There!! ;-)

This was the original full quote -
"In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee. Camel's milk is the most popular milk consumed in Saudi Arabia."

MKWM dijo...

Mmmm, very interesting, I will read all this carefully this evening at home. However, we're talking about a late 16th Century law that might not be in effect nowadays.

Anyway, if a husband doesn't provide his wife with what she vitally needs, there is indeed a divorce case... I agree it can be food and coffee, but it must certainly be love & respect too.

zoe dijo...

ah, bottles up the cnut - that's an old one - and dangerous, too.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Apparently, some of these recur on a regular basis. Makes you wonder how many morons there actually are in the world?!

Drama Queen dijo...

I've got link envy, how do you do that in comments?

Hum.

*sulks in the corner until someone notices her*

SpanishGoth dijo...

*Hold out hand* Up you come my love - you mean like a link to the Queens Palace???

SpanishGoth dijo...

if so, it's done like this (a href="http://adventuresofadramaqueen.blogspot.com/")Queens Palace (/a) but replace the brackets with <

I'm guessing that's what you mean?

Drama Queen dijo...

*looks up with suspscious eyes and checks if those are sweeties you're holding behind your back*

Yes, those links. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Wouldn't be so mean my dear *offers a box of finest Belgian chocolates wrapped in finest chiffon scarf*

Drama Queen dijo...

Ohh, I likey the picture.

And thanks for the chocolates.

MKWM dijo...

You are both very cute & sweet today... I could picture that scene described up here whilst reading it and it gave me a broad smile.

SpanishGoth dijo...

No Problemo (for the chocs I mean) - as for the pic, oh the glory days of being in a band and posing for pictures "give us moody S" - "just take the bloody picture will you - my beers getting cold, and my womans getting warm" ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Kind of the opposite to my mood yesterday then....

MKWM dijo...

I know andropause is none of your concern yet but still...

am I allowed to call this "change of moods"?

Drama Queen dijo...

Always happy to oblige Minky. You could be the Mother smiling proudly in the background. . .#yes I raised a good lot#

MKWM dijo...

Oh yeah, a sort of fairy Goth & Godmother :-))

Tippler dijo...

Fact number 11: Giving up the fags makes you an utterly miserable bastard.

I am just in the mood to test the facts about pigeons and porcupines.

Actually, I feel like drowning a coule of fish too.

Old Broad dijo...

No wonder your Queen is so uptight. She doesn't fart? HILARIOUS.
My son got in trouble in the 4th grade for writing a paper (along with the accompanying drawing) of a pigeon exploding in mid-air after eating Alka-Seltzer.
I paid the "teacher" a visit and needless to say, she apologized to him for overlooking his "creativity."
Ha!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Oh OB - she's not uptight, she's just delicate.....in a royal, butter wouldn't melt in your mouth way.

T-Meister -> porcupines awaiting, time to "lock and load" ;-)

a luego amigo

SpanishGoth dijo...

Minky - you remain "all woman" to me. Just need to re-knit that spell to get you an "all-man" ;-)

MKWM dijo...

A-man to that, Goth Master, Amen!