martes, febrero 27, 2007

It's an Unbirthday Party

As it's officially my un-birthday again I've decided to have an un-birthday party. I shall not be receiving any cards with stupid jokes about how old, blind, farty or generally not good anymore I am perceived to be. Said cards usually have jokes written by 3 blind monkeys with a typewriter somewhere on planet hallmark. References to my inability to perform like a chimpanzee between the sheets will also not be required. Money in lieu of non-presents will be accepted because I'd have to be stupid not to take money from someone giving it away for no particular reason.

I will not be dancing and in particular I will definitely not be morris dancing. For those of you unaware, basically you dress up like a clown, cover yourself in hadkerchiefs and bells and proceed to prance around like a fairy twatting each other with a stick. All the time that this is occuring some weirdo geek with the personality of a sloppy dog turd is warbling on about #didn't we have a lovely time, the time we hugged a tree, a lovely time with cider, o fiddly diddly dee#. Grrrr even the thought of it makes me want to nuke Cornwall - bastards.

Other non-occurring activities will be the bring your own booze bullshit. What sort of cheapskate twat invites you to a party and then asks you to bring your own alcohol?

Wankers - that's not a party, thats a fucking meeting. What next - come to church but please bring your own god. Yeah I'll just defrost one of those ones I keep in the freezer then.

Un-birthday shags are always welcome of course. You never know when a seabird could come in handy. You could have a sudden fetish for chicken curry and realise - oh bollocks the shops are closed. Never mind, there's always that shag in the cupboard you'd forgotten about. Hooray. The day is saved by a shag and thus a curry - perfect.

Un-official birthday cakes are another non-requirement. All that bollocks with candles and 'jokes' about calling the firebrigade because there are so many candles on the cake. Ha bloody ha. Keep that up and you'll be calling the fire brigade for real when I set fire to your house.

Tuneless renditions of songs mentioning a birthday are also not required, or references to squashed tomatoes and stew either.

Stupid twatty little paper hats are banned. Well, you can wear them if you want but don't be surprised to find your head on fire. Paper hats are for granny parties (the sort where 20 old biddies are sat at a table to celebrate some old girl reaching 90 years old and smelling, well, piss factor 60). I suppose they're ok for chimps as well, but just make sure all the typewriters are locked away.

So, just another day then really.......

22 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Sincere wishes, that's all you will have from me, Goth Master. As a matter of fact, I already sent them...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Seen it already tx but it's not my birthday today, it's my un-birthday. My birthday is tomorrow but the card was sweet tx

Tippler dijo...

Fookin 'ell. Best celebrate by stuffing Reading tha neet, then!

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

You seem to have a thing about chimpanzees, Gothy. Don't invite them to your party - they'll just steal all the food and run off.

Back in the circus, the trapeze team celebrated their leader's birthday by breaking into his trailer, stripping him naked, and defenestrating him. Funny thing was he loved every minute of it.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Indeed Tipp - a win tonight would be perfect preparation for tomorrows non-festivities

GB -> Year of the Monkey so it's inevitable really that I have a penchant for chimps - some of my favourite relatives are...

Tippler dijo...

Which brings us back nicely to Chris de Beefburger and the 'Cousins in red...'

I think.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Except that was on DQ's comments regarding "He didn't say anything about family tho' so I married my cousin. HIS parents were about as over the moon about it as mine were!" - freaky.....

Shaz dijo...

Happy un-birthday Goth, sorry no money in with the wishes! But I'll devour this chocolate hob-nob in your name x x x

Calamity Jane dijo...

And a happy un-birthday to you. I like those parties where you don't bring your own booze, and those where you get an un-birthday shag - not enough of those in life I say.

SpanishGoth dijo...

ooo virtual hob-nobbing - excellent

CJ -> indeed, free booze and free birds (sorry, shags) for all

RESULT

Means tomorrow's going to be a right anti-climax...... not what you want after a shag methinks

Teeny dijo...

Happy un-birthday from me too Goth.

And shag curry? Del.ici.ous

Drama Queen dijo...

Happy non birthday. I'd blow you kisses but you'd only get sick right after you got better.

And yes she did. Marry her cousin that is. And her two children are fine. I think.

But they only met for the first time in their 20s. Saves the stress of meeting in the in laws I guess (her Aunt being her MIL and all).

Will this also be an 'I'm not a frog' themed party?*ribbet*

Cat dijo...

Happy non-birthday. I had a non-birthday at the weekend. I celebrated by drinking wine in my pyjamas. The stupid cards are still dropping through the letter box. I am an ungrateful cow, I know.

PI dijo...

So you are a Pisces - you must be a nice boy! I find birthdays unsettling as I get older. Happily I am managing to keep the piss factor miniscule so that's a comfort. Have a nice day today and tomorrow. And a tip for you all: never put an age on a Birthday card unless the recipient is an infant. It's so bloody tactless!

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

Oh I hate monkeys. I don't see why people think they are funny. I refuse to watch Curious George. King Kong is cool.

Happy Unbirthday. I'll send you a stripper with 11 fingers and a set of boobs on her back. She feels embarrassed by her haircut so don't look at her hair.

MKWM dijo...

D Day.

So, just another day then really.

Have a nice one, Goth Master.

kimmyk dijo...

Happy Un-Birthday to ya!

I gotcha a pair of boobs to play with when you're bored and lonely.

Yeah, that's the kind of blogger friend I am.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Boob-tastic....me like boobs

teeny -> indeed, shag/curry yum, yum

DQ -> your kisses are always welcome, not so sure about the inbreeding thing but at least if I was your sister.....

Cat -> I'm celebrating today by....working DOH (may have a tipple at lunch time though)

Pi -> glad you've got the piss factor under control. You can always roll in Lavender (seems a popular option also)

YSB -> cool you're not dead. Thought you'd fallen off the planet - know what you mean about haircut, once had a girlfriend with hair right down her back, none on her head mind...

Minky -> tx again

KimmK -> cool, more boobs (hope you saved some alcohol from your going away bash..

going through a tough time dijo...

Happy unbirthday, it's late i know and is now your real birthday.sorry.x. i've had sick child to look after for the last two days, and she wouldn't let me out of her sight. I've just discovered as well that her school have Morris dancing classes so that has facilitated me calling the estate agent and organising a swifter return to bonnie scotland.This country is sick!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Thanks Phoenix - no problem re: tardiness, I can use the un-birthday wishes again tomorrow, and friday, and saturday etc

Sorry about the little one being ill and you're quite right re: Morris Dancing - fucking weirdos

Get thy cute derriere back to Scotland where they do proper things like tossing off cabers ;-)

shellibells dijo...

There is only one day of the year that it is NOT my un-birthday. I suppose that would be my birthday. Therefore I celebrate 364 days a year, except on leap years 365.

:) Happyday!

SpanishGoth dijo...

It's the only way to do it Shelli - rock all year, mutter about your age for one day, then back to rocking - HOORAY