Being A God

Is not as easy as it seems. I know this because today, I am having a God-like day. Well, one of those 'Etch-a Sketch' days which a Goth has to do every so often. It's a day when a Goth says "Fuck it - this is shit, let's start again"

*vigorously shaking created object*

Computers are my lifeblood - as in they are the vehicle that pay for Jack Daniels, cigarettes and some boring stuff like food, rent, electricity etc. Thus, I am reverential to their capacities and needs. (and M$oft - you can fuck right off at this point).

The time has come though, the Walrus said, to rebuild my server - trusty friend that it is. I have to eradicate everything and start again as if it was a brand new baby puter.

The second part is easy - create something as you would like it to appear. Install only the stuff that you choose (without time constraints)

The first part is not so easy - kill everything (when you can get past the OS's objections)

Goth - Delete everything
OS - Are you sure?
Goth - Yes
OS - Are you insane? You do know I won't work after this
Goth - Just do it !! - Nike was a God and so am I
OS - they didn't have computers in ancient Greece
Goth - I was fucking busy
OS - Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?
Goth - Yes
OS - But this will format the hard drive and render all oper...
Goth - Just fucking do it - twat
OS - I'll be back though?
Goth - Yes, just better, faster and....

*meanders off with a bottle of JD in one hand and cigarette in the other*

The Joy Of Sex

It's amazing what you can derive from a book just by looking at the title. The Joy Of Sex is hardly likely to be about bee-keeping really. Having read it (and looked at the pictures) it pretty much is exactly as the title suggests. Not quite sure why you'd need a pocket version mind you - most of the pictures involve naked people so where would you stash the book?

The reason for me mentioning this? Because the winner of The Oddest Book Title of the year has just been announced - the top three were as follows:-

3 - Cheese Problems Solved
2 - I Was Tortured By The Pygmy Love Queen
1 - If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs

Rather unsurprisingly, the winning entry was written by a man. How he managed to fill a book on the topic is a mystery. The title kind of gives all the advice women need to end a relationship.

Now what I want to know is if any of you have actually read any of the previous winners?

They were:-

• The Joy of Chickens
• American Bottom Archaeology
• Versailles: The View From Sweden
• Re-using Old Graves
• Highlights in the History of Concrete
• The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

and my personal favourite....

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

Wonder what that's about then?????

Chinese Olympics

So, for some bizarre reason known only to the Olympic Committee, the games are to be held in China. What a bloody stupid decision.

Firstly, the pollution in and around Beijing makes sucking on an exhaust pipe preferable. Secondly, it's not as if the chinese are extra friendly or anything and Goth help you if you're Tibetan.

Therefore, it is for this reason that I have decided to create a Goth team who will travel to China - on behalf of those friendly little monks who just want their country back. As the funky monkeys are used to wearing long flowing robes, I'm sure my team will fit right in.

The provisional list for the team is:-

• The Crow
• Neo from The Matrix
• Jet Li (as The One)
• Van Helsing

Hee hee - now the next time those pesky little chinese try twatting someone with their over-sized chopsticks they are going to get a bloody good arse kicking.

Think you're good at kung fu do you, irritating oriental hobbit? Just wait until Jet Li makes a noodle salad out of your arms and legs - then you won't be so anally retentive just because you all have the same uniform.

Incidentally, if you're wondering why Van Helsing is in the team - it's not because he has to do any fighting but I figured we might as well win one gold medal whilst we're there and he's a dead cert for the archery competition (assuming the chinese haven't banned all weapons that is).

Still, I'm sure there are a few others you could suggest for my Goth-i-Betan olympic squad....

Virtual Insanity

I have one of those Play-Frustration things and, simplistically, it makes no fucking sense at all. There are too many buttons and the car doesn't do what I want it to do at all - stupid bastard thing.

In reality, I can drive anything that has wheels (and I have the official licenses to prove it) - in PFS (Play Fucking Station) world, I can't drive for shit.

"OK", I think and change the game to golf - the art of twatting a small ball into a small hole whilst wearing ridiculous trousers.

Same result.

In real life, I can twat a ball really hard, in the direction that I want (or, if frustrated enough, twat the person I want to). However, on this game thingy - I'm like Stevie Wonder on acid.

WTF? - What the fuck is that about then?

In 'gaming' world, you can be anything you want to. You can kick the shit out of some Alien mother-fuckers, beat Brazil at football with one leg tied behind your head, fly X-wing doofers at breakneck speed and..

In reality, it doesn't actually work that way.

Crashing a car fucking hurts. Getting your arse kicked hurts also and you cannot climb walls, jump across mighty crevaces or otherwise without the aid of class A drugs.

However, in a spiritual Gothic way, I offer the following 'gaming' releases:-

Learn a Language (especially your own)
Read Books (with words and everything)
Hate God (he started it)
Make Love Not War (some hippy shit, but makes sense I think)

Suggestion for the Gothic Play Fru-Station games?????

Crucify Us

For those of you not aware, tomorrow is the celebration of when that hippy got nailed to a tree 2000 years ago. Quite why the romans wanted to nail him to a tree is a bit of a mystery - something to do with saying it would be lovely if people were nice to each other.

Now obviously, I'm not a believer (I thought the Monkees were shit) but if I was, I don't think I'd call it Good Friday. I'm pretty sure the conversation would have gone more like this:-

Jesus - "Fuck me, that hurts"
Peter - "It's ok lord, we will remember this day for thousands of years and call it Good Friday"
Jesus - "What the fuck is good about this you moron?"

Anyway, christians believe in it, which I suppose they have to as you couldn't trust the church for anything to believe in, well apart from religious wars, and scaremongering, and sodomy etc.

However, it would appear that those weird little Phillipinos have a ceremony every year where the 'true believers' re-enact the whole crucifixion malarkey. Now that is either plain fucking stupid or a true measure of devotion - and I know which one I think is true.

What the bloody hell would you want to tie yourself to a tree for, let alone get nailed to one? But, it's their foolish little bodies so they can do what they jolly well choose as far I am concerned.

Unfortunately for the self-flagellating ones, the health and safety muppets have stepped into to spoil the party as per usual. The new Health & Safety Crucifixion must follow their rules, examples of which include:-

• all crosses have to be disinfected first
• there is a height restriction suspension heights
• crowns of thorns must be worn over a hard hat
• wounds over 1cm must have a band aid applied

For me, Health & Safety should disappear up their own anally retentive legislation. I don't tell them what music to listen to !!

Suggestions for other Health & Safety bollocks rules can be sent in a chocolate egg to the usual address....

Seven More Deadly Sins

So, not satisfied with abusing the Seven deadly sins that they have been touting for the last 1500 years - the catholic church has decided to come up with so more. How jolly considerate of them.

Several of the whingeing little twats that work for this global cancer, have tried to claim that they are only bringing them a little more up to date for modern society. Well, as per usual - they really have their finger on the pulse for that one.

Now, in the first instance, why would they need some more deadly sins? For that, you have to look at the original sins. In no particular order they are pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. Now call me a cynic if you wish (I don't give a shit) bit these original seven have and still are adequately represented by the church.

The new seven, I would list but it's a bit boring, are pretty much covered by the church also.

'So why mention it?'I hear you ask. Well, because if you work on the principle that sins should be punished, then they should have also come up with a list of punishments. I guess they're probably too busy practising the sin bit first.

The original punishments for the sins were as follows:-

• Pride - Broken on the wheel
• Envy - Put in freezing water
• Gluttony - Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
• Lust - Smothered in fire and brimstone
• Anger - Dismembered alive
• Greed - Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
• Sloth - Thrown in snake pits

I suppose it might be interesting to come up with a list of punishments for the new sin list - but then again, the fuckers never listen to me anyway - pompous bastards . . . .

Gleamin

A slightly truncated use of a word that I recognise only from Wales, but one I will be using a lot this week - e.g.

"ere, come and 'ave a look at my washing - it's gleamin"

It's not very often that I get the chance to celebrate being Welsh - in general we're shit at most things that don't involve sheep. However, it would appear that our rugby team did not read the conditions attached to being Welsh and so, taking no bloody notice at all, decided to win a trophy. And, if all goes well, at the weekend they should win the Championship - assuming they don't fall over various frogs legs littered around the Milennium Stadium.

HA HA

Who said rugby was shit?! Erm, actually, that will have been me then - on account of being built to be the perfect size for a corner flag and still being forced to play rugby at school - twice....

There are some good things that came from Wales - The Stereophonics for example, who played here in Bruxelles last Monday. Unfortunately, there are rather more shite things to emerge from the land of my birth.

Thus I have compiled a list of famous people from Wales, in two categories - 'Gleamin' = good, 'Goppin' = shit.

Gleamin

• Ryan Giggs - still the best FA cup goal ever
• Stereophonics - top gig fellas
• Manic Street Preachers - suicide is painless, and proofless
• Joe Calzaghe - yeah, doesn't sound very Welsh but he'll still kick your ass
• Anthony Hopkins - having a friend for dinner with a nice Chianti

Goppin

• Tom Jones - and his pile of wet knickers
• Charlotte Church - voice of an angel but a mouth full of....
• Aled Jones and his frigging snowman
• Michael Owen - no wonder you're ill all the time choosing to play for England
• Catherine Zeta Jones - talentless harlot but nice...... er, .. bank balance

Feel free to suggest additions to the list in either category - best one wins a sheep....

The Belgian Army

I was going to write about my birthday but there's no point, it's just another day and if you weren't there, you already missed the free drinks. I could also have talked about the superb gig I saw on Monday but, if you weren't there either, the band have already left.

Anyway, during a conversation about what people did before we became the little computer geeks that we are today, it came about that two of them had been in the Belgian Army.

Firstly, I have to confess that I didn't even know that Belgium had an army (good camouflage I presume), and even if they do/did, assuming the work ethic is the same as the police force here, I'm sure they'd be too pissed to fight.

However, up until 1984 or so, Belgium still had conscription (or drafting) - simplistically, where you have to join the army whether you like it or not. As to this being a good idea or not is purely subjective but let me give you a couple of tales (not from me, I hasten to add) which may help you formulate an opinion.

Lesson 1 - Training on Radioactivity

The platoon sergeant has to hide a radioactive ball (about the same size as a tennis ball) somewhere, and with the help of a Geiger Counter, the platoon have to find it. Doesn't seem that complex really - when the Geiger Counter starts clicking like Flipper having an orgasm, the hunt is over.

Unfortunately, by the time the sergeant catches up to his platoon, they are playing an impromptu game of 'catch' with the ball of radioactive shite. I suppose it's a good job they weren't American as someone would have brought a baseball bat.

Needless to say, said Sergeant is not a happy camper and the Geiger Counter is off the chart any time one of the platoon walk past.

Lesson 2 - Fitness Training

Being such a small country, choosing the best and fittest recruits isn't really an option. Therefore, if you are breathing you are in. In order to avoid unnecessary deaths, for those of a somewhat unfit state, they are given a piece of paper somewhat similar to a 'get out of jail free' card in Monopoly.

Not really the wisest idea really. I mean, if you have the choice of running 10 miles with 40lb of kit every morning, or waving a piece of paper under the sergeants nose that says you don't have to - which would you choose?

I think this guy definitely got the best part of the deal. Initially, the army claimed that everyone would leave with a trade suitable for the outside world. So, they made him a barman - he couldn't fight for shit but boy, could he mix a cocktail (always useful in a battle situation!!).

In Conclusion

I don't think I'd want the Belgian Army on my side in a war, I think I'll choose the Swiss one - at least they get those funky little knives and can nip the enemy with the tweezers.....