Fuckwit Filter

Attracting freaks is a knack that I have possessed forever and too many years. It's not that I set out to attract the bastards - it just kind of happens.

I used to think it was because of my appearance but, it would appear the weirdos can find me over the phone, T'internet or even by snail-mail (when it regards bills).

To explain what I mean by freaks/weirdos, let me expand a little further (like a fat twat in a pie shop).

I can walk into a pub/bar full of people, purchase my pint of Jack Daniels or whatever, and stand at the bar cogitating about something and nothing.

Within minutes I will be approached by:-

1. a freak on a leash offering to sell me drugs, or
2. a wired weirdo wanting to buy drugs, or
3. a suspicious character offering me the chance to make some money by nefarious means

Fortunately, my 'Fuckwit-Filter' kicks in and I explain that:-

1. I don't need any thanks, I'm perfectly capable of talking bolllocks without the need of chemical stimulation
2. Do I look like a pharmacist? No - they usually wear white coats not fuck-off long black coats
3. Whilst I understand the fiscal benefits of importing Romanian women to give blow jobs for 50 cents whilst you charge 50 euros as their 'slime-manager' it is still a bullshit idea, and no, I am not afraid of you 'shit-for-brains' but thanks for asking.

The above all happened within the last 48 hours - and no, it was not the same person, it was three equally freakish fops apparently made from the same fragile mould.

Whilst the temptation to become Jean Claude Van Sprout (JG) and pluck their eyeballs from their head whilst decapitating their grandmother with a jumping side kick is appealing, I live in the real world. Therefore, I allow the Fuckwit-Filter to do the 'kicking in'.

"I'm sorry" I say whilst taking a non-too healthy drag on my cigarette "You must have me confused with someone that actually gives a fuck about whatever you're talking about"

*Weirdos and freaks wander off*

"See - I told you" - says Fuckwit Filter
"Indeed" - I reply
"And btw, I got rid of that shite by Coldplay on your Muppet3 that was a birthday present - I mean, it is fucking bollocks anyway so I replaced it with the new HIM album"

Hooray for Fuckwit-Filters.......