If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is there - does it make any noise? *pauses for effect* Like who should give a shit. "oooo I'm falling, save me Ivy" *SPLAT* - too late ! and there goes another 'tree-hugger' who couldn't catch. What is the point of these inane questions? Who cares..........seriously, who gives a shit, apart from everyone - otherwise they would explode like a big poo bomb, which would be smelly and umbrellas wouldn't protect you, unless it was squidgy poo or squirty poo and then the umbrella might work, maybe, but it would still smell, unless it smelt of roses ('fell in shit and came out smelling of roses' type poo).
Anyway, I digress. I looked again at 'The Little Book of Calm' available from all good hippy-shops and 'Am-I-stoned.com'. Oh this book is good......for a laugh.
A smile relaxes all the major facial muscles. It also sets off an emotional chain reaction that invariably helps you feel good. Now, replace the word 'smile' with 'fart' and I defy you not to laugh.
Fish are relaxing because they move so slowly and breathe slowly - watching them is like gazing on a seascape - yeah well, fuck-wit, explain pirahnas then.
One of the most pleasurable exercises around, uninhibited dancing distracts even the most commited worrier First, most pleasurable exercise involves sex and any biologist can tell you that, second, if your plane is about to crash into a mountain, some fucker doing a jig in the aisle is not really going to distract you. #The hills are alive with the sound of..#
Sea air, salt water and the sound of waves - all contribute to a growing sense of calm - unless, it's the sound of big waves, really fucking big waves and then you abandon calm and run like your arse is on fire. "Oh look Tsunami", "cool, could I have that on rye bread please" DOH
Put aside a certain amount of time each day - at the same time each day - which you devote to sorting through your worries - that's a really long-arsed way to describe work. 'Same day, different shit' is a bit more accurate I think.
Pretend it's Saturday - yeah, top advice there then, for the calming influence on people who work on saturdays, have to pay bills on saturday or have to deal with their ex-partners on saturdays. Oh, I'm so relaxed.......NOT grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Apparently, the Little Book of Calm doesn't do it for me.
Scheiss passiert,
S
'ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C) '
Currently votes are :-
Samson & Delilah = 3
John the Baptist = 4
Moses = 5
Your vote counts......it's gonna get more notice than voting for real (that's fucking true)
jueves, marzo 08, 2007
miércoles, marzo 07, 2007
So, a Penguin Walked into a Pub
So, a penguin, an elephant and a walrus walked into a pub and, hilarity ensued. What fucking pub is that then? I'm going to the wrong ones. When I walk into a pub, it's full of idiots who don't know how to order a drink, don't acknowledge the FACT that bar staff are people also, and can't spot 'personal space' until you whack them in the head with a wet haddock.
A pub is a place where you go for a drink - not a fucking coffee, moron - and try to relax. Many years ago, Goth Master was a barman (and a very good one I might add) and thus GM knows the rules. Good bar people are exactly that - good people. They are not there to be your personal servants just because you are buying a drink. If you want a servant, buy a teddy bear, become homosexual and have shit loads of money. In the meantime, fuck off out of space and get a life.
Toffee nosed twats get upset when I get served before them "Oh I say, I was jolly in the queue before you" - "Yeah, and you were a complete twat before I was and your point is what?!!!".
I can go to a pub and have a conversation about existentialism, philosophy, civil war or how big are her tits? and generally this will be with the bar person, not some person I have brought along because I don't have the ability to connect with people or I have no friends, in the world, ever. It's part of the joy really. Not knowing where the conversation might flow. One thing I do know however, is that I will get served before most because I have one thing.....
It's not shit loads of money, it's not the knowledge to talk down to barstaff, it's not the fact that the barstaff want to fuck me, the one thing that I have is .....
RESPECT
So, take a bow 'Angels of Mercy' - you know who you are if you've ever served me or one of my army of kindred spirits. I may not always tip you, on account of finances being tighter than a ducks arse but, if you're on my side of the bar, I will chuck one onto my ever expanding tab for you.
hasta luego,
S
A pub is a place where you go for a drink - not a fucking coffee, moron - and try to relax. Many years ago, Goth Master was a barman (and a very good one I might add) and thus GM knows the rules. Good bar people are exactly that - good people. They are not there to be your personal servants just because you are buying a drink. If you want a servant, buy a teddy bear, become homosexual and have shit loads of money. In the meantime, fuck off out of space and get a life.
Toffee nosed twats get upset when I get served before them "Oh I say, I was jolly in the queue before you" - "Yeah, and you were a complete twat before I was and your point is what?!!!".
I can go to a pub and have a conversation about existentialism, philosophy, civil war or how big are her tits? and generally this will be with the bar person, not some person I have brought along because I don't have the ability to connect with people or I have no friends, in the world, ever. It's part of the joy really. Not knowing where the conversation might flow. One thing I do know however, is that I will get served before most because I have one thing.....
It's not shit loads of money, it's not the knowledge to talk down to barstaff, it's not the fact that the barstaff want to fuck me, the one thing that I have is .....
RESPECT
So, take a bow 'Angels of Mercy' - you know who you are if you've ever served me or one of my army of kindred spirits. I may not always tip you, on account of finances being tighter than a ducks arse but, if you're on my side of the bar, I will chuck one onto my ever expanding tab for you.
hasta luego,
S
martes, marzo 06, 2007
Guest Blogger - Horace Hedgehog
All in all, I can't complain about life as a hedgehog. Wandering around, mainly at night as it is far more preferable than during the day, eating out most of the time and sleeping when I feel like it. Granted, if someone tries to poke me, the sharp points come out on display and hopefully, with a pricked ego they piss off like a burst balloon. Although I keep myself in shape with plenty of exercise and trying to eat healthily it's an absolute bugger trying to find something in my size.
The only other thing I can truly complain about is sex. That can be a truly traumatic experience. Pain in the arse doesn't come close - well, that's not entirely true but, when faced with a prickly female, the obvious temptation is to say "bugger this for a game of mammals" and to head off with the lads to have a few 'snifters' instead. I'm not sure exactly what raises females hackles to such an extent but I can be positive about two things. It will be my fault (even if I'm not there - kind of like remote control irritation) and even if, as is sometimes true, it is actually my fault, by the time I realise it, it's too late.
It was so much easier as a youngster rather than the 'full grown pig' I get called now. Back then, us youngters would go out, have fun, roll around in the mud and get chastised when we returned. The main thing to remember was to never give a straight answer - being asked the question, rather obvious I felt anyway, "Oh my nerves - you look like you've gone through a hedge backwards". Silly question really as I was covered in mud and twigs everywhere. No answer was the best answer.
Now in adulthood, getting faced with a similarly silly question like "You've been out all night, where have you been?" cannot be met with a stonewalling silence. Similarly, the older males become very territorial if you are in their prescence with a better head of hair or a better coat. "Piss off out of here you prickless wonder". Amazed, I wonder whether to reply that at least mine is straight but as I quite like the shape of my nose as it is, retreat seems more intelligent. Not as if she was worth it anyway - didn't look like she was up to suckling anyway.
So I carry on my way, checking carefully before attempting to cross the road - as I was brought up. I've seen the dangers that ensue if you don't follow that simple rule. Thanks for the platform Goth Master.
Best Regards,
Guest Hogger
No problemo HH - if you logged in expecting my usual lunacy, I apologise, but I applaud HH's efforts. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow :-)
ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C)
The only other thing I can truly complain about is sex. That can be a truly traumatic experience. Pain in the arse doesn't come close - well, that's not entirely true but, when faced with a prickly female, the obvious temptation is to say "bugger this for a game of mammals" and to head off with the lads to have a few 'snifters' instead. I'm not sure exactly what raises females hackles to such an extent but I can be positive about two things. It will be my fault (even if I'm not there - kind of like remote control irritation) and even if, as is sometimes true, it is actually my fault, by the time I realise it, it's too late.
It was so much easier as a youngster rather than the 'full grown pig' I get called now. Back then, us youngters would go out, have fun, roll around in the mud and get chastised when we returned. The main thing to remember was to never give a straight answer - being asked the question, rather obvious I felt anyway, "Oh my nerves - you look like you've gone through a hedge backwards". Silly question really as I was covered in mud and twigs everywhere. No answer was the best answer.
Now in adulthood, getting faced with a similarly silly question like "You've been out all night, where have you been?" cannot be met with a stonewalling silence. Similarly, the older males become very territorial if you are in their prescence with a better head of hair or a better coat. "Piss off out of here you prickless wonder". Amazed, I wonder whether to reply that at least mine is straight but as I quite like the shape of my nose as it is, retreat seems more intelligent. Not as if she was worth it anyway - didn't look like she was up to suckling anyway.
So I carry on my way, checking carefully before attempting to cross the road - as I was brought up. I've seen the dangers that ensue if you don't follow that simple rule. Thanks for the platform Goth Master.
Best Regards,
Guest Hogger
No problemo HH - if you logged in expecting my usual lunacy, I apologise, but I applaud HH's efforts. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow :-)
ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C)
lunes, marzo 05, 2007
Insane Academy
So, you have this 'reality' TV show called Fame Academy where some talentless turds attempt to prove how talented they are - boring. If you, as a TV producer, are going to make a new TV show using untrained monkeys on acid, at least make it entertaining. Hence I suggest, Insane Academy. Oh yes, let's do it like the 'artist formerly known as you short-arsed twat' would say, LETS GO CRAZY.
Thus, in creating such a show you would first require a panel of judges - suitably nuts in their own way and doped up on lithium or something. And, as it's Insane Academy, you would need qualified judges - shit wouldn't work otherwise. Ergo, the list of nominees is:-
George (if you can't spell it, bomb it) Bush
Tony (sorry, my heads so far up Bush's arse I can't hear you) Blair
Mohammed (I will win the war by blowing myself up) Biscuit Tin
Michael (I shag monkeys and don't care cos I've got a glove) Jackson
Victoria (do I look like a twiglet with lipstick) Becham
Ronald (pile of shite in a bap) McDonald
Charlton (lets all have guns and kill, kill, kill) Heston
Prince (I like hugging trees and women who look like horses) Charles
Come on in and vote, simple enough really, just pick a panel of judges who have the IQ of a Pot Noodle and the common sense of a grapefruit - mmm juicy.
Once the panel is selected, the search begins for the real fuck-wits. Then, some time later, after we've honed it down to the real wankers with class (kind of masturbating hippos on rollerskates, with blindfolds) we'll give them a name like, government. Then we all sit back and watch as they show how inept they can really be whilst generally fucking with everyone elses life. On Pay-Per-View, you can also see behind the scenes footage of how they take backhanders, front-benchers and cucumbers up the arse whilst studying the terms to use to pretend that they once had a spliff, and thus are totally cool.
# TV clip #
hippy - "totally wicked skank man"
contestant - "yes, I agree - jolly smelly furry animals aren't they"
hippy - "have a bang on this number man"
contestant - *bops him on the head* "jolly relaxing, bit like fox hunting really"
hippy - *snorts whilst attempting to inhale*
contestant - "thankyou, I too think my mother looks like a pig, but she is jolly good in bed"
And just think, greedy bastard TV people, you can have variations on Insane Academy - 'You're out of Your Tree -amy', 'Fucking Loopy', 'Talking Bollocks' and my personal favourite - 'I'm Sorry, I appear to have eaten my underpants'.
Then again, fuck it, stupid idea, ban it, ban governments - they may seriously damage your health.
*drifts away like a dreamy bar of chocolate on a radiator*
Thus, in creating such a show you would first require a panel of judges - suitably nuts in their own way and doped up on lithium or something. And, as it's Insane Academy, you would need qualified judges - shit wouldn't work otherwise. Ergo, the list of nominees is:-
George (if you can't spell it, bomb it) Bush
Tony (sorry, my heads so far up Bush's arse I can't hear you) Blair
Mohammed (I will win the war by blowing myself up) Biscuit Tin
Michael (I shag monkeys and don't care cos I've got a glove) Jackson
Victoria (do I look like a twiglet with lipstick) Becham
Ronald (pile of shite in a bap) McDonald
Charlton (lets all have guns and kill, kill, kill) Heston
Prince (I like hugging trees and women who look like horses) Charles
Come on in and vote, simple enough really, just pick a panel of judges who have the IQ of a Pot Noodle and the common sense of a grapefruit - mmm juicy.
Once the panel is selected, the search begins for the real fuck-wits. Then, some time later, after we've honed it down to the real wankers with class (kind of masturbating hippos on rollerskates, with blindfolds) we'll give them a name like, government. Then we all sit back and watch as they show how inept they can really be whilst generally fucking with everyone elses life. On Pay-Per-View, you can also see behind the scenes footage of how they take backhanders, front-benchers and cucumbers up the arse whilst studying the terms to use to pretend that they once had a spliff, and thus are totally cool.
# TV clip #
hippy - "totally wicked skank man"
contestant - "yes, I agree - jolly smelly furry animals aren't they"
hippy - "have a bang on this number man"
contestant - *bops him on the head* "jolly relaxing, bit like fox hunting really"
hippy - *snorts whilst attempting to inhale*
contestant - "thankyou, I too think my mother looks like a pig, but she is jolly good in bed"
And just think, greedy bastard TV people, you can have variations on Insane Academy - 'You're out of Your Tree -amy', 'Fucking Loopy', 'Talking Bollocks' and my personal favourite - 'I'm Sorry, I appear to have eaten my underpants'.
Then again, fuck it, stupid idea, ban it, ban governments - they may seriously damage your health.
*drifts away like a dreamy bar of chocolate on a radiator*
viernes, marzo 02, 2007
My Name is Not Earl
I started this list after watching My Name is Earl which simplistically, involves creating a list of everything bad you have ever done in your life that you feel you ought to correct before Karma takes a big royal shit on your head. The first portion of my list, My Name is Goth contained only 7 entries so I still have about 6......thousand to go.
Number 8 - Caused someone to stamp in dog shit - hell, it seemed funny at the time. Dark winter evening, bored, as nothing was happening, collect a steaming dog turd in a piece of newspaper. Carefully position on an evil neighbours doorstep, set fire to the newspaper, ring the door bell and retreat, fast, to a suitable viewing point. Laugh hysterically as miserable neighbour appears at the door in slippers and attempts to stamp out the fire.
Number 9 - Took the piss out of foreign people - not big, not clever, but velly funny (at the time). Cue chinese chip-shop assistant asking if I want salt and vinegar on my chips... me -> "Portion of chips please" "No ploblem, you want sore finger?", "I want sore finger?No thanks, my finger hurts already", "So you no want finger", "I want vinegar, but not on my finger, I might need it later", you want finger to tek home? "No, I want vinegar on my chips, does your daughter want finger?", "No, you want finger on your flies?", "I don't want flies, I want chips""So you want sore finger or not?", "No, I don't want sore finger"...etc (meanwhile, in the kitchen the chef is pissing in the wan ton soup smiling and saying "we make special soup for you, velly funny, velly funny".....)
Number 10 - Encouraged a moron to cheat - and fail an exam - so IM kept looking at my paper for the answers during an exam and yes, I was pissed off and so in the multiple choice part I deliberately kept holding my pencil to my mouth before circling, very clearly, the wrong answer to every question knowing shit-for-brains would copy what he could see I was doing. 10 minutes before the end I stood up, as if to leave and moron followed suit "have you finished?" asked the teacher, "Yes", said moron and looked to me for confirmation "ok, you may leave" said the teacher and moron started walking away. "No" said I "just got pins and needles in my legs" and sat back down and then corrected all the answers on my paper.
Number 11 - Electrocuted my brother - frequently. Unfortunately for my little brother, who is and always will be, three years younger than I am, I discovered one of the basic principles of electricity before he did. Namely that a current travels as far as it can before inflicting pain. To test this theory I pretended to change a light bulb, knowing the power was on and asked him to hold my hand to steady me. Lo and behold, when I touched the live circuit, I felt a slight tingle whereas it was his hair that went vertical and with a yelp of pain he ran away. I repeated this trick about 6 times before he learned not to trust me. Probably explains why people being interrogated him now have such a bad time.
Number 12 - Stabbed someone - although in mitigation, said someone was attempting to mug me at the time but maybe a slight over reaction on my part. The muppet held a knife in my face and demanded my money not knowing that a) I studied martial arts for years and b) I was in a very bad mood. A split second later, he was on the ground with the knife stabbed very firmly into his thigh. In retrospect, I didn't need to stab him but then again he didn't need to try and mug me.
Number 13 - Ran my fathers car out of petrol - always. My father begrudgingly admits I have a sixth sense when it comes to how much fuel is left in the tank. So much so that he always has at least two containers of petrol, one in the boot of his car and one, hidden.....now. The reason being I used to borrow his car but never put petrol in it. Didn't seem any point as there was petrol in it already. Bearing in mind that he lived 5 miles from the nearest petrol station this could prove slightly annoying to him. For example, the time when I went on a 200 mile triip, returned the car to him and left. When he decided to go to the shops, he got in the car, started it up and got precisely 4 metres before the car spluttered to a halt, still on his driveway and blatantly out of fuel.
So now all I have to do is figure out how to "undo" these things on my list, well that's what Earl does. Then again, he won the lottery and I haven't so.....maybe I won't, yet.
buen fin de semana y besos a todos,
S
ps will be quiet (blog wise) this weekend as I am going to see my angel, Mini-Gothess for her birthday. Happy Birthday my beautiful princess. XXX
Number 8 - Caused someone to stamp in dog shit - hell, it seemed funny at the time. Dark winter evening, bored, as nothing was happening, collect a steaming dog turd in a piece of newspaper. Carefully position on an evil neighbours doorstep, set fire to the newspaper, ring the door bell and retreat, fast, to a suitable viewing point. Laugh hysterically as miserable neighbour appears at the door in slippers and attempts to stamp out the fire.
Number 9 - Took the piss out of foreign people - not big, not clever, but velly funny (at the time). Cue chinese chip-shop assistant asking if I want salt and vinegar on my chips... me -> "Portion of chips please" "No ploblem, you want sore finger?", "I want sore finger?No thanks, my finger hurts already", "So you no want finger", "I want vinegar, but not on my finger, I might need it later", you want finger to tek home? "No, I want vinegar on my chips, does your daughter want finger?", "No, you want finger on your flies?", "I don't want flies, I want chips""So you want sore finger or not?", "No, I don't want sore finger"...etc (meanwhile, in the kitchen the chef is pissing in the wan ton soup smiling and saying "we make special soup for you, velly funny, velly funny".....)
Number 10 - Encouraged a moron to cheat - and fail an exam - so IM kept looking at my paper for the answers during an exam and yes, I was pissed off and so in the multiple choice part I deliberately kept holding my pencil to my mouth before circling, very clearly, the wrong answer to every question knowing shit-for-brains would copy what he could see I was doing. 10 minutes before the end I stood up, as if to leave and moron followed suit "have you finished?" asked the teacher, "Yes", said moron and looked to me for confirmation "ok, you may leave" said the teacher and moron started walking away. "No" said I "just got pins and needles in my legs" and sat back down and then corrected all the answers on my paper.
Number 11 - Electrocuted my brother - frequently. Unfortunately for my little brother, who is and always will be, three years younger than I am, I discovered one of the basic principles of electricity before he did. Namely that a current travels as far as it can before inflicting pain. To test this theory I pretended to change a light bulb, knowing the power was on and asked him to hold my hand to steady me. Lo and behold, when I touched the live circuit, I felt a slight tingle whereas it was his hair that went vertical and with a yelp of pain he ran away. I repeated this trick about 6 times before he learned not to trust me. Probably explains why people being interrogated him now have such a bad time.
Number 12 - Stabbed someone - although in mitigation, said someone was attempting to mug me at the time but maybe a slight over reaction on my part. The muppet held a knife in my face and demanded my money not knowing that a) I studied martial arts for years and b) I was in a very bad mood. A split second later, he was on the ground with the knife stabbed very firmly into his thigh. In retrospect, I didn't need to stab him but then again he didn't need to try and mug me.
Number 13 - Ran my fathers car out of petrol - always. My father begrudgingly admits I have a sixth sense when it comes to how much fuel is left in the tank. So much so that he always has at least two containers of petrol, one in the boot of his car and one, hidden.....now. The reason being I used to borrow his car but never put petrol in it. Didn't seem any point as there was petrol in it already. Bearing in mind that he lived 5 miles from the nearest petrol station this could prove slightly annoying to him. For example, the time when I went on a 200 mile triip, returned the car to him and left. When he decided to go to the shops, he got in the car, started it up and got precisely 4 metres before the car spluttered to a halt, still on his driveway and blatantly out of fuel.
So now all I have to do is figure out how to "undo" these things on my list, well that's what Earl does. Then again, he won the lottery and I haven't so.....maybe I won't, yet.
buen fin de semana y besos a todos,
S
ps will be quiet (blog wise) this weekend as I am going to see my angel, Mini-Gothess for her birthday. Happy Birthday my beautiful princess. XXX
jueves, marzo 01, 2007
Heads up - You've Been Tagged
As I was generally wandering around Blogsville, peacefully minding my own business, a challenge came in. What's in your handbag? What bloody handbag? I am not a frog and therefore I will NOT be carrying a handbag. If it doesn't fit in my pockets, I don't need it.
Now if I did have a handbag - what would I keep in it? Bottle of vodka, cigarettes, possibly multi-pack condoms (better safe than sorry - never know when you might need to water-bomb someone) and my iPod or Muppet-3 as I term it. This gave me an idea so I created a different TAG.......
Now I can't do the bag-tag that's going around at the moment (contents of my handbag being fuck all) so I'm going to create another TAG - if you have an iPod, you have to switch it to random and list (truthfully) the first ten songs, artists that it throws up and seeing as you cannot tag just one person I tag the following 5:-
Shaz, Drama Queen, Teeny, Tippler, and Cat
Answers on your blogs please and then you have to TAG another 5 peeps - let the fun begin.
(No iPod? not getting out that easy, pretend you have one and let's hear what weird crap you listen to.....) ... and wouldn't you just know it, I got TAGGED right back so here you have TEN random tracks from the Gothic Muppet 3 :-
And thus revealed, the FIVE people up above (thanks DQ for pointing out my rather gratingly obvious faux-pas ) *slaps himself in the face with a fish* - goth I need a beer....
a luego,
S
Now if I did have a handbag - what would I keep in it? Bottle of vodka, cigarettes, possibly multi-pack condoms (better safe than sorry - never know when you might need to water-bomb someone) and my iPod or Muppet-3 as I term it. This gave me an idea so I created a different TAG.......
Now I can't do the bag-tag that's going around at the moment (contents of my handbag being fuck all) so I'm going to create another TAG - if you have an iPod, you have to switch it to random and list (truthfully) the first ten songs, artists that it throws up and seeing as you cannot tag just one person I tag the following 5:-
Shaz, Drama Queen, Teeny, Tippler, and Cat
Answers on your blogs please and then you have to TAG another 5 peeps - let the fun begin.
(No iPod? not getting out that easy, pretend you have one and let's hear what weird crap you listen to.....) ... and wouldn't you just know it, I got TAGGED right back so here you have TEN random tracks from the Gothic Muppet 3 :-
- Reise, Reise - Rammstein
- Dead in Hollywood - Murderdolls
- What's Going On - Marvin Gaye
- Evangeline - The Mission
- Humpty Dumpty - DJ Pogo Presents the Breaks
- I Don't Like the Drugs (the drugs like me) - Marilyn Manson
- Jesus Built my Hotrod - The Ministry
- Walking in My Shoes - Depeche Mode
- Get Off My Cloud - Rolling Stones
- Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
And thus revealed, the FIVE people up above (thanks DQ for pointing out my rather gratingly obvious faux-pas ) *slaps himself in the face with a fish* - goth I need a beer....
a luego,
S
Digging Up The Dead
Yeah, I know, it's not big and it's not clever but, sometimes it's necessary. How would they make series like Crime Scene *some city in America* without it?. And people like to watch it and find out why a person is dead even though it's fairly obvious because if an elephant landed on your head it would hurt, at first, well microseconds and then you'd be dead. But this gives them the chance to make some pithy remark like "well I guess that was a fatal trunk call".
Then they get 50 minutes to explain why an elephant was able to fall from the sky and use lots of jokes about having heard of it raining cats and dogs but this is taking the piss a bit. Sooner or later, some bizarre reason will come to light about a tornado that ripped through a nearby town and scooped the elephant up and up and up but sooner or later the tornado ran out of power and then gravity took over and thus the elephant hurtled toward the ground like a really big, grey hailstone and Mr Unlucky just happened to be walking to the shop when SPLAT - and that's what happened. And then they can say something equally stupid like "Tusk, tusk - who'd have thought an elephant could fly?" and maybe a couple of direct rip offs from Dumbo like "I've seen a housefly and I've seen a dragonfly, but I've never seen an elephant fly". Cue theme music.
In real life (or real death) it's nowhere near as interesting. Dead people are dead - it's kind of the definition of dead, not alive anymore etc. So they put them in a big freezer, like frozen peas, except they're not peas, they were people, and they had feelings but peas only had roots, and leaves etc.
So, a true story to illustrate why death is not funny. Father Goth was a policeman and one of the first things they do is take you into the mortuary and show you a dead body and try to get you accustomed to the smell of death. One of the officers used to like to get put into the freezer, which is actually just shelves, not compartments as you would imagine. So he would get in alongside the really dead people and when the time came, the coroner would pull out said officer to show the new recruits their first dead person at which point PC Practical Joke would sit up and shout "BOO" which usually had the desired effect of causing people to scream or run away or something else (part of the fight or flight reaction).
Anyway, the first female officer had been recruited and PC PJ wanted to do the same trick. The other officers were extremely doubtful as to how good an idea this was but he insisted. So eventually, PC PJ is put in the freezer and lies their in the sub zero temperature alongside 5 or 6 dead bodies waiting to play his joke. Five minutes elapse and no one comes to open the drawer, then ten minutes and still nothing. PJ is starting to shiver now but another five minutes pass and still no activity. Finally after twenty minutes, the body next to him announces "Fucking hell, it's cold in here isn't it mate!!"
They eventually managed to stop PC Practical Joke from screaming but the effect was enough to put him on sick leave for 6 months.
Moral of the story - leave the dead alone, they probably earned it.
a luego,
S
Then they get 50 minutes to explain why an elephant was able to fall from the sky and use lots of jokes about having heard of it raining cats and dogs but this is taking the piss a bit. Sooner or later, some bizarre reason will come to light about a tornado that ripped through a nearby town and scooped the elephant up and up and up but sooner or later the tornado ran out of power and then gravity took over and thus the elephant hurtled toward the ground like a really big, grey hailstone and Mr Unlucky just happened to be walking to the shop when SPLAT - and that's what happened. And then they can say something equally stupid like "Tusk, tusk - who'd have thought an elephant could fly?" and maybe a couple of direct rip offs from Dumbo like "I've seen a housefly and I've seen a dragonfly, but I've never seen an elephant fly". Cue theme music.
In real life (or real death) it's nowhere near as interesting. Dead people are dead - it's kind of the definition of dead, not alive anymore etc. So they put them in a big freezer, like frozen peas, except they're not peas, they were people, and they had feelings but peas only had roots, and leaves etc.
So, a true story to illustrate why death is not funny. Father Goth was a policeman and one of the first things they do is take you into the mortuary and show you a dead body and try to get you accustomed to the smell of death. One of the officers used to like to get put into the freezer, which is actually just shelves, not compartments as you would imagine. So he would get in alongside the really dead people and when the time came, the coroner would pull out said officer to show the new recruits their first dead person at which point PC Practical Joke would sit up and shout "BOO" which usually had the desired effect of causing people to scream or run away or something else (part of the fight or flight reaction).
Anyway, the first female officer had been recruited and PC PJ wanted to do the same trick. The other officers were extremely doubtful as to how good an idea this was but he insisted. So eventually, PC PJ is put in the freezer and lies their in the sub zero temperature alongside 5 or 6 dead bodies waiting to play his joke. Five minutes elapse and no one comes to open the drawer, then ten minutes and still nothing. PJ is starting to shiver now but another five minutes pass and still no activity. Finally after twenty minutes, the body next to him announces "Fucking hell, it's cold in here isn't it mate!!"
They eventually managed to stop PC Practical Joke from screaming but the effect was enough to put him on sick leave for 6 months.
Moral of the story - leave the dead alone, they probably earned it.
a luego,
S
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