Sorry, Goth World, I have been busy assessing my life - like a snake with a lisp.
As I have another one of those birthday doofers coming up, I thought it was time to decide what I wanted, rather than what every other fucker desired from my embittered soul.
'AHA' - I thought, and then realised that was the name of a Norwegian band famous for something or other in the 80's. Thus, I changed my suppossedly cerebral statement to 'Gadzooks'.
However, the point remained the same - 'Why did I feel like what I was doing was what everyone else wanted?'.
That was actually quite easy to figure out (in retrospect). What was rather more complex was to figure out was why I could not simply be happy to exist.
It's a bizarre equation of life that we elicit what we desire from those we can, and yet, subjucate ourselves to those who we feel have more power.
Unfortunately, that 'point' has proven costly. In doing so, I committed to and destroyed a marriage, I have alienated my children, I lost the 'perfect' job for me.
Basically, I fucked up!!
So, in my thoughts on correction and validation, a feeling of Zen ran over me like a big, chocolate slug.
Maybe I didn't have to fight after all. Perhaps I could just utilise the gifts that I have to benefit the many.
(and before you religious freaks get in on the act, I did not see God, or Monkeys, or Sacred Cows - I saw my bank balance).
Most importantly, I saw the sadness in the eyes of people I love.
It was time for a change - and so, I made the change. All of my lovely hair got sliced of by a barber (and I didn't even go to Seville). I shaved my 'goatee' beard off. I even looked for a 'proper' job - one of those that pays you for holidays....
I'm not saying I found Gothic redemption - but I am fucking trying......