domingo, junio 22, 2008

Spastic Goth

I was busy doing nothing, isn't it just a crime when - oops vicar, I created a small problem.

I say 'small' but apparently, severing an artery is actually quite a big problem. I know this because spurting blood everywhere completely fucks up the decor.

Mariposa sprinted to the bathroom to get a bandage and called an ambulance. When she returned, several seconds later, the floor was already covered in Gothic blood.

I tried to remain calm whilst applyiing a tourniquet but no sooner had I done that when - I hit the floor with a resounding THWACK. I presume that's what the sound of a human skull meeting tiles at reasonable velocity sounds like.

I sort of remember travelling in the ambulance to hospital - but it's all a little fuzzy really. What I do remember is being taken into surgery immediately - which is not a good sign - there were people there already in a queue for fucks sake.

Many injections later, and with some skilled sewing by Dr Bob, I looked like half a Gothic Mummy. At this point, I had lost 2 pints of blood - and a little bit more means you are empty and apparently that's not very good.

For several hours, I sat/lay there like a spastic monkey whilst they ran various tests. Finally I said:-

"Can I go home now?"
"Why?" - was the response
"Because it's so fucking boring and I have to clean the kitchen"
"You won't be doing anything for at least 2 weeks" came the reply
"But I need to go for a poo" I said
"You can go here" said the angel pretending to be a nurse
"I still want to go home afterwards" I said, wobbling toward the toilet.

It's somewhat amazing how difficult the simplest things become when you only have one arm. Ten minutes later, I emerged from the toilet.

"Wow - you really did need to go" said the nurse
"Yes" I replied "But I spent 9 minutes trying to do my bastard pants up"

So, home I eventually went. I didn't manage to clean the kitchen - boo hiss. I had to sit on the sofa like a fucking retard.

Looking on the bright side, if I did have a desire to masturbate, by the time I got my fucking pants off, the desire would have receded.

So, things to with one hand?????

15 comentarios:

Honey dijo...

no silly comments from me I'm sorry, just one big hug and owwww that sounds painful. I hope you get better really soon, take care.
x

Timbo dijo...

You can still salute Captain Timbo, and frankly nothing else is even worth bothering about.

But really, I hope whatever it is you've deformed for life heals quickly and that you can get back to wanking asap.

zoe dijo...

I thought you mentioned something about 27 stitches in your arm? And 7 in your head? Or weren't you thinking properly then?

Anyway, if you get bored give me a buzz and I'll pop round. Tomorrow may not be a good day though - I'll try.

Things to do with one hand? Point at things and order that they be brought to you. Oh, and picking your nose.

Scouse Doris dijo...

Blimey Goth!! Glad they sewed you up in time but what on earth were you doing??

Best not bother with pants for a while I guess and you'll have to get someone to wash your hair for you - not possible with one hand, I know.

john.g. dijo...

Now you know how I feel! You'll get better though! I had 4 pints of blood ,so there!

One up on the Goth.....yeah!!

Heal soon Amigo.

Brom dijo...

Two weeks... make the most of it. Take the time to learn something new.

How about the accordion?

Take it easy boyo.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Honey -> tx. It is indeed painful but I'm sure it's a walk in the park compared to childbirth

Timbo -> well now I had the bandages redone after a scan, I have 2 fingers strapped in a set position so a salute of a fashion is possible

Zoe -> something like that - I lost track after the first "fuck me that hurts"....

Doris -> proving that Gothic blood is red - can't wash my hair yet - still have stitches in

JG -> not quite how you feel but I get the idea - this is one competition you are welcome to win

Brom -> I think 2 weeks might be optomistic judging by today - I think I might learn how to sleep on the sofa - the BBC have been kind enough to put tennis on - that should do the trick...

Honey dijo...

ok I looked up something for you, things to do with one hand? learn to play guitar like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mte5v_1nC2A

JolietJake dijo...

play a bongo

Mr Farty dijo...

Why stop at the bongos? You could take on that bloke from Def Leppard.

Seriously, get well soon mate!

JolietJake dijo...

you could steal stuff, then you'll be a one armed bandit

or sit on your good hand and be an arse bandit

If one hand slaps the budda in a forest, does it make a sound? maybe you could work on that

try reaching your arm around the back of your head and touching your tongue with the tip of your middle finger, it's not as easy as you think

I'll try to think of some more...hang in 'till I get back

SpanishGoth dijo...

Honey -> a nice idea but I wouldn't want to upset Charlotte

Mr Farty -> I've still got my arm though - just can't use it for shit at the moment

JJ -> trust you to come up with batty ideas. Always thought project managers were a bunch of clowns

bananas62 dijo...

sounds like one helluva way to spend 2 weeks.... hope your feeling up to par.. and well, your a creative kind of guy, I'm sure you'll figure something to do with 1 hand!!!

( . )( . ) dijo...

And here I was thinking that I had a bad day, I hope you get better real soon! Just think how strong your arm will get! Take care xx

SpanishGoth dijo...

Bananas -> I am creative, but pain does somewhat dull the senses. I occassionally think about Paris Hilton and am happy - that I still have 2 good feet to stamp on her vacuous little head

(.)(.) -> But if I followed that train of thought, I'd end up like Rafa Nadal, Popeye in one arm and Stan Laurel in the other - don't suppose you do house calls?? ;-)