domingo, junio 29, 2008

Two Gay Blokes And

The night before my latest accident, I was enjoying a cerveca in my usual hostelry when my two favourite gay people came to talk to me.

For indecencies sake, I will call them George and Michael.

Michael came over first to ask how my recent golfing escapade had transpired. I explained how I was attempting to teach Mariposa to play golf without my predeliction to twat the fuck out of the chinless cunts that proliferate that environment.

"I still can't believe that Goths play golf he said
"Oh we do" I replied "But only at night"
"That is so funny" he responded honestly "But I have to go to this cocktail party tonight, and I don't want to go
"So don't" I opined "If I don't want to do something, I don't"
"I wish I could be that strong but I have to go"

I bade him farewell and gave him a piece of Gothic darkness to take with him, as a bullshit shield.

Awhile later, George beckoned me over and insisted that I meet his 'crew' of American de-constructors. They seemed a harmless, if dim-witted bunch of renegades. The men were scary, the women scarier but I assume they were a 'tag-team'.

One in particular, caught my imagination - I'll call him Cleetus for now.

Cleetus spoke in a rapid-fire southern 'drawl' that made me think of Deliverance. The only way I can describe it is ..... well, if you imagine Forrest Gump on Acid, you might be close.

I can understand English, Welsh, German, French, Dutch, Portuguese, Italian, Greek and obviously Spanish. Cleetus was speaking none of these.

I will attempt to recreate part of the conversation, after which it will be somewhat self explanatory.

"So, you're from America I assume?"
"Dang right I am Sir, Ize from the united states of ....
*interruption as someone says 'Hola Goth, que tal?' - 'Muy bien amigo, a luego'*
"Holy cow - you understood what he was ....
"Sorry dude - you were saying?"
"No-one here seems to hear what I'm saying
"Well, if you slowed down your speech and enuciated more"
"My teacher said that but she was just plain stoopid"
"She was if she thought that she could make a difference"
"My grandaddy grew up on a farm and he said there wasn't one damn animal he hadn't tried it with at least once"

*alarm bells*

"Oh gosh, is that the time? I must go and do something"

George then asked if I really had to leave. Funnily enough, I was quite certain that I did.

9 comentarios:

Sewmouse dijo...

A rapid-fire southerner?

Unusual. They usually talk so slow you can read War and Peace between sentances. Sometimes between words!

Although when they're telling anecdotes, I've occasionally been subjected to a short term rapid-fire diatribe. Usually from "northern" Southerners - Tennessee or Virginia.

And remember - Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

JolietJake dijo...
Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.
JolietJake dijo...

...and the award for most ironic spelling balls-up goes Spanish Fuckwit with "enuciated" I'm imagining you pronounced like that, though it probably made no difference to Cleetus.

Sounds like you and Cleetus have a long future.

Leni Qinan dijo...

You were most kind to Michael when you gave him that piece of gothic darkness as a shield. Bullshit shield, but a shield after all. *Enough flatteries, Goth. You've reached your monthly quota*

So all this Southernese talk brought you to think of Deliverance and then dash off at the sound of the alarm bell, right?

Hm. I'm not surprised after reading your conversation with Cleetus and what his granddady said. One of his finest quotes, I bet.

john.g. dijo...

You weren't in a toilet with George and Michael by any chance?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sewmouse -> the talcum powder around the nose area probably explains the speed

Jake -> if you were less sarcastic, I might love you "ironic spelling balls-up goes Spanish Fuckwit - you might want to say GOES TO

Leni -> I'm sure there is a church burbling this fetid nonsense down there

JG -> Meanwhile, back in the real world

Leni Qinan dijo...

Dunno, Goth. I never go to church.

....You Sick Bastard dijo...

I would've ended the conversation when he said "Dang". If you don't have the decency to curse properly then I have no time for you.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Leni -> I went to church (and not to burn the fucker to the ground) for a something or other. It involved a lot of standing/sitting/standing/sitting down stuff

Goth Goes To Church

YSB -> I presume that is what the retard said - my brain was saying "Get the fuck out of here"