Spastic Goth

I was busy doing nothing, isn't it just a crime when - oops vicar, I created a small problem.

I say 'small' but apparently, severing an artery is actually quite a big problem. I know this because spurting blood everywhere completely fucks up the decor.

Mariposa sprinted to the bathroom to get a bandage and called an ambulance. When she returned, several seconds later, the floor was already covered in Gothic blood.

I tried to remain calm whilst applyiing a tourniquet but no sooner had I done that when - I hit the floor with a resounding THWACK. I presume that's what the sound of a human skull meeting tiles at reasonable velocity sounds like.

I sort of remember travelling in the ambulance to hospital - but it's all a little fuzzy really. What I do remember is being taken into surgery immediately - which is not a good sign - there were people there already in a queue for fucks sake.

Many injections later, and with some skilled sewing by Dr Bob, I looked like half a Gothic Mummy. At this point, I had lost 2 pints of blood - and a little bit more means you are empty and apparently that's not very good.

For several hours, I sat/lay there like a spastic monkey whilst they ran various tests. Finally I said:-

"Can I go home now?"
"Why?" - was the response
"Because it's so fucking boring and I have to clean the kitchen"
"You won't be doing anything for at least 2 weeks" came the reply
"But I need to go for a poo" I said
"You can go here" said the angel pretending to be a nurse
"I still want to go home afterwards" I said, wobbling toward the toilet.

It's somewhat amazing how difficult the simplest things become when you only have one arm. Ten minutes later, I emerged from the toilet.

"Wow - you really did need to go" said the nurse
"Yes" I replied "But I spent 9 minutes trying to do my bastard pants up"

So, home I eventually went. I didn't manage to clean the kitchen - boo hiss. I had to sit on the sofa like a fucking retard.

Looking on the bright side, if I did have a desire to masturbate, by the time I got my fucking pants off, the desire would have receded.

So, things to with one hand?????