The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth

(*Note* - this is a rip-off of ideas from the genius of Douglas Adams whose brilliance shaped my past, present & future - Goth Bless Sir - and if you have never read THGTTG - a pox on you all)

"Grab a packet of peanuts, quick" Goth Perfect instructed his friend and now decidedly less camp, Arthur Bent. Arthur was confused and a little drunk. He had imbibed, well, rather gulped, the 5 Jack Daniels purchased by Goth and was feeling warm and fuzzy - he didn't want to leave yet. However, Arthur knew better than to argue with Goth. Since Goth had come into his life, he was a changed man. No more listening to Erasure and shaking his booty, no more dancing in a tutu whilst listening to Dancing Queen.

Now, thanks to Goth's influence, Arthur wore skin-tight leather trousers, a satin shirt of blood red and the pointiest black leather boots he had ever seen. No longer was he at the bottom in his gay relationships. Arthur had developed style, grown his hair and was obsessed with the work of the Pre-Raphaelites. The sea-change in his life was there for all to see. Arthur was still marvelling at these changes when he was disturbed by Goth.

"We have to go, now" said Goth "The Vegans are coming and when they arrive, they will fuck everything up." "What's a Vegan?" enquired Arthur rather nervously - "Look" explained Goth patiently "They're green, they're pasty looking and even Vegetarians quiver with fear when they see the Vegan 'can't do list'."

Arthur tightened his grip on the towel he was carrying as he'd thought they were going to the beach. "What are we going to do?" pleaded Arthur "I like my meat, like I like my men". Goth Perfect paused but resisted the obvious line next, instead he said in a calm voice "Simplistically, we're going to get the fuck out of here, and fast". With that, Goth pulled out his little black book of dates. Emblazonned on the back, in gold, were the words 'When I'm God, Everyone Dies' - Arthur gulped down another JD and tried not to panic.

Goth Perfect then did the strangest thing Arthur Bent had ever seen (so far, that day) - he tied his hair back in a ponytail and said "Let's get ready to rock". "B b but - you never tie your hair back" stammerred Arthur. "You would be well advised to do the same my little Gothic apprentice" said Goth "Arriving on a strange spaceship looking fuzzy is never a good move". This was too much information for Arthur, he ordered a double JD and sank it in one gulp "We're going on a.. a ... shacespit?" burbled Arthur, more to himself than anyone else "How shucking fool is that?".

Arthur had just managed to tie his hair back when everything became blurred 'Oh fuck' thought Arthur 'I'm definitely going to blow chunks this time, and I bet there's some of those bloody carrots in it'. Fortunately for Arthur, events were about to occur that would make him completely forget about hurling. The pub morphed into a beach and as elephants in tutus performed Dumbo Lake, Arthur sat back and enjoyed the trip.

As the elephants changed shape and became armadillos on roller skates a loud voice announced "Cool - that's a bit trippy isn't it". Arthur tried to nod but when he looked down he saw that he was wearing a white suit. 'Fucking great' he thought 'All that effort to look cool and now I look like a sailor in the navy - I could sail the seven seas'. Meanwhile, Goth Perfect was nonchalantly leaning against a bar that, well, Arthur was sure wasn't there a minute ago, humming a tune that Arthur sort of recognised but couldn't quite place, but Goth Perfect was still looking the epitome of cool.

There was a feeling of braking, like a train coming to an emergency stop and then all the visions disappeared. Goth Perfect was still there, looking, well, damn perfect. Arthur's clothes had returned to normal but he felt the most almighty hangover was just lurking in the background waiting to pounce and play a drum solo in his head.

With a swooshing sound, an opening in the plain white wall appeared, and in this doorway stood something that Arthur could not put a name to, mainly because he didn't know what it was.... 'Oh fucking hell' he thought and fainted ....

*to be continued*

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part III

The plane touches down in America and Goth Bond strokes Pussy gently to awaken her. Pussy Galores lips part invitingly and Goth Bond smiles - he knows she's in good hands. After they have gone through the airport VIP channel, the American agent meets them. "Lighter?" asks Bond. "Yes, Felix Leiter" replies the not so cunningly disguised American spy. "No" says Goth Bond "Do you have a lighter? I really need a cigarette".

Meanwhile, Pussy is purring in Goths ear "I really, really need to go to bed" - "Yes I know" says Goth Bond "but first, we need to sort out that Blowjob".

"Sorry to interrupt" says Felix "But we have a world to save, and I've got everything you requested - walk this way". "In these leather trousers?" enquires Goth showing Leiter his skin tight, buttock hugging leather trousers that women keep wanting to lick for some reason. "Ok, just follow me" replies Leiter.

The three of them arrive at a beautiful Aston Martin Advantage. "Wow" says Bond "I bet she goes" - "Oh yes" replies Felix, grinning like a cat, she goes "vrooooom, vroooooooom, squeal, vroooom". "Not quite what I meant" says Bond "but I assume all the modifications have been done?". "Yup" says Felix "although I don't know what an ejaculator seat does". "Kind of tosses you in some direction" says Bond dismissively whilst continuing to examine all the other gadgets U has installed.

"Don't we have to go somewhere?" asks Pussy. "Indeed" says Bond, "but we'll be arriving in style". "Isn't arriving like coming?" asks Pussy and Goth nods his head knowing it's going to be a very long day. "Look Felix" says Bond "thanks for the help but I think it better that you stay here - I get a bit wary of strangers Felix".

Goth and Pussy climb into the Aston Martin together and burn rubber.

Whilst this is occuring, Blowjob is making sure that all the little soldiers are going where they are supposed to. "Put that thing up there" demands Blowjob and watches carefully that the result match his expectations. He knows the earth is going to move when he has completed his dirty deed. He throws his head in the air and cackles "Nothing can stop the Blowjob bwahahahahaha" and has to pause briefly for air "hahahahahaha"

Meanwhile Goth Bond and Pussy have come, out of sight to Blowjob. It's one of the perils of only having one good eye. "Ok" says Bond "Here's the plan. You stay here in the car and when you get my signal press the third button on the right". Pussy tenderly motions across the nobs in front of her - "This one?" she enquires. "Indeed" says Bond "The one that says Boom" on it. He knows that this adventure with Pussy will have a climatic ending.

Meanwhile Blowjob has nearly set all of the nuclear devices to blow up Fort Knockers (He's not called Blowjob for nothing). World markets will crumble, he will be master of all he surveys (with his one good eye, so approximately half the world).

Bond speaks into his watch "Ok U, I need guns, lots of guns" and suddenly an arsenal of weapons appears in front of him like a supermarket, but of guns - not a baked bean in sight. He selects the ones he wants and with a clenched fist, shoots off a round or two. "Excellent" he declares. "Now to sort Blowjob out".

Like the devastating killing machine he is, Goth Bond kills all the bad soldiers on his way to Blowjob but when he arrives, Blowjob just cackles "Too late Bond - in 3 minutes the bombs go off". Bond pulls out the hugest vibrator in the world and declares "Not yet Blowjob". "HA" says Blowjob "What's that?" - "Voices activated revenge" says Bond "HA" says Blowjob "Magic dildo my arse" .... there's a whoosh and then a steady thrumming sound "Yowzer" exclaims Blowjob, looking like a red lollipop.

Bond diffuses the bombs and signals to Pussy that it's her turn to come. She gets out of the car, wondering what would have happened if she'd pressed the Boom button but Goth just smiles at the camera and mouths "It's only the stereo" as Pussy is all over him.

#Da da dee da dee da da#

Fade out as Goth Bond gets his Pussy and saves the world - normal day at the orifice really.

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part II

(short summary of part I - our hero Goth Bond, Secret Agent, has thwarted the Spice Girls evil plan to reunite but his nemesis, Blowjob has had away with Pussy - we join O-69 in his WTF hunt)

Goth Bond decided to return to the riding stables where he had first encountered Pussy. He remembered the first time he had seen her riding and marvelled at her exquisiteness. Unfortunately for Bond, this was not to be a good day - he found a pussy alright but she was rigid and covered in gold. What has that Blowjob done to this pussy and, more importantly where is THE Pussy? thought Goth Bond. There was only one thing to do, don't get mad, get even.

Bond knew he had to seek out the naughty Blowjob but, his love of Pussy far transcended the momentary thrill of hunting down Blowjob. However, Blowjob had been expecting this from Goth Bond (well, it was in the bloody script) and had sent his henchman Badjob to kill Bond. Badjob was a nasty piece of work with no respect for helmets or hats of any kind really. Soon enough Badjob had Bond in an extremely tricky situation, Bond didn't know if his nuts were going to explode, he had to do something - perhaps one of the cunning weapons that he had received from U. As he lay there stricken and exposed, he tried to think of something, anything that would help him out of this desperate predicament.

Suddenly, he remembers the power he has that he didn't need U for. He recited some poetry and unleashed the Fear of Goth on his captors. Like punks with a cause, they run away screaming 'I fought the Goth, but the Goth won....' and Bond managed to escape. He knows where he has to go now, Badjob made the mistake of telling Bond the master plan, but first Bond has to save Pussy Galore to keep her safe from evil. Bond is not sure exactly where she is but he knows the clock is ticking (he can hear it in the background) - he must find Pussy and then get to America to Fort Knockers.

Meanwhile, in his submarine of evil, Blowjob is stroking the pussy on his lap cursing that his plan to kill Goth Bond didn't work. He has watched this on the secret cameras he had installed and his stroking had become faster and agitated "Next time Bond" he curses. Meanwhile, he must continue with his plan, he has to get to Fort Knockers before Bond can spoil his cunning and watertight plan.

Goth Bond phones Y on the Bat phone (not a batman gadget, just a phone that looks like a bat because it's in disguise). "Y, U, I'm going after Blowjob and I'm not stopping till the end. Get me a contact in America for when my plane lands" - there is a pause on the line and then a voice says "But surely that's too dangerous Bond". "Is that U?" enquires Bond. "No, it's P" says P. "Y?" asks Bond, "Why P?" asks P, "No, I want to speak to Y, P". "It's OK Bond" says Y "U go and ship some gadgets to America, mark them Leiter" "Lighter than what?" asks U "No, for the attention of Leiter, Felix Leiter" by which time Goth is very bored of this scrabble like conversation.

"I'll call you when I get there" says Bond "Just as soon as I've got Pussy".

There was a collective groan at the other end of the phone but it was too late, Bond had hung up and was deperately searching for Pussy around the stables. Finally he finds pussy, dripping ... with perspiration hung between two golden pillars. As fast as he can, he undoes the straps and lies her gently on the ground. He hasn't much time and he knows he has to go down and resucitate Pussy with his mouth-to-Pussy skills. It takes several minutes but eventually he can feel a much stronger pulse in Pussy.

"Oh Goth" gasps Pussy "Blowjob has an evil plan - I just heard big, gold and Knockers. Whatever can it be?". "It's ok Pussy, I know all about the plan he has for the Knockers. We have to hurry, there's a plane to catch". With that, he lifts her to her feet and they dash to the airport to catch a flight to America, home of the biggest Knockers - the Gold Depository.

*To be continued..........

Goth Bond Stars in Gothfinger

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It's a Height Thing Really

So, after yesterdays post about Nannageddon, it was suggested to me that women live longer than men because men are taller and therefore when the Reaper does his reaping, he catches the men and misses the women. Hmm - I thought. Could this be true?

**Beware - the following is a Gothic thought train - some drugs may be required**

well, if it were true I suppose that it would make sense depending on how tall the Reaper was and if he was being a smart-arse and twirling his scythe around his head, then I guess that anyone an inch or so taller than the Reaper would get zapped or rather reaped, which would explain why there aren't any giants in the world anymore, because they would have been taller by some distance and would have been first for the high chop but then that wouldn't explain why all the dwarves disappeared, apart from the suicidal ones of course, who could have fasioned themselves dwarf stilts to make themselves taller, but that would only explain the suicidal ones, who had probably got pissed off at people saying stupid things like 'you can stand up now' hence why they would have gone for the stilt method of death, except for the stupid ones who got it wrong and made stilts from cheese because they heard stilton, but that wouldn't have made them taller at all, just given them smelly feet really, although it is possible that the remaining dwarves were stupid or cocky and got trampolines and bounced up and down making star shapes trying to make the Reaper really angry and that could have got them reaped, and normal children would have been safe because they were really small as well, and weren't allowed to go on the trampolines because their parents thought it really dangerous with all those flying dwarf heads, so someone invented bouncy castles so they could bounce up and down without getting whacked by a dwarf head or reaped by the Reaper.

*pauses for a cigarette*

however, all of this applies to dwarves and giants and not to men and women which the theory was more about, so I suppose if you had really tall women then they would get reaped which would fit in with the plan as the Amazonians were really tall and they're all dead but there are other women who are tall and they're not dead, so perhaps the Reaper tried to catch people out in the open because he didn't want to blunt his blade on hard objects, which would mean he would only be bonking people on the head rather than separating their heads from their bodies and I know if I was a Reaper I wouldn't want to get demoted to a 'bonker' or even a 'bopper', as Death would make fun of you "ooh look out, here comes the Grim Bonker - going bonking are we?", so that makes sense that he's out in the open reaping and I suppose if the man and the woman both needed to have a wee at the same time outside, the man could do it standing up but women have to do that squatting down thing, especially if they are outside in the woods and they would only pull their knickers down to their knees and be very wary not to let anything crawl up their *swish* 'sorry bloke, you've been reaped' and so the man would have no head and the woman would be fine because she was squatting down, unless she stood up really quickly because she saw a creepy crawly and she would squeal and stop weeing immediately because women can do that and then she would have no head either and thus be dead, unless she got her timing dead right, or rather undead right, but then all ghosts would be walking round with their heads under their arms but they don't, well Casper didn't and he was a ghost, but he wasn't tall and I don't seem to remember any trampolines in Casper so I don't think that's the reason at all.

perhaps, the reason is that women like to sit down more than men and that's why the men get reaped, because men like to do everything standing up, from weeing and writing their names in the snow, to eating hotdogs instead of sitting down for a scrummy meal, to standing and shouting at TV as if it will make any difference instead of sitting down with a nice box of chocolates, to drinking in a pub at the bar and not at a table, therefore in conclusion, it's not because women are shorter than men it's because they sit down more, so it has nothing to do with height but it is all because women have more comfortable bottoms.

Nannageddon

Oh the perils of growing old. Statiscally, well according to life insurance companies anyway, a womans life expectancy is four years more than a mans. They cite many factors for this but I think it's just that men give up earlier where as the granny brigade keep on marching. No way is granny giving up on her blue rinse and bingo just because the Grim Reaper comes to get them. You can just see him gathering all the OAP's up in a group and saying "Come on follow me" and the old people duly fall into line.

Arriving at the halls of death the Reaper is faced with Death himself and proudly says "Look Master, how many I reaped this time" to which Death replies, "Very good - but why aren't there any women?". The Reaper turns around looking astonished and pleads "But they were there - I had a load of them". Unbeknown to the Reaper, the women had spotted a Bingo hall and nipped in to try and win some furry slipper boots. The men meanwhile, grateful for the peace and quiet had just followed the Reaper.

So now we are left with a surplus of crotchety old hells grannies and with no men of the same age to pick on, they turn their venom on the rest of society. Too many times, poor helpless muggers are poked in the eye with an umbrella or beaten half to death with a handbag full of coins in case they pass a tea room. "Queue? Not me dear I'm old and frail my dear but if you want to hear the story about Aunt Enids colostomy bag in vivid technicolour, please, feel free to complain about me pushing in".

As the population differential continues to grow, we head towards the end of the world - Nannageddon. The world as we know it replaced by knitted park benches where grannies sit around burbling nonsense and encouraging pigeons to gather in flocks and attack children. Cats will multiply as Mrs Miggins and her pack of OAT's (Old Age Terrorists) have lost track of how many strays they have brought home - it got boring counting them after 30. There will be an overwhelming smell of Lavender everywhere and sports will cease to exist - can't have those silly young men running around in shorts.

TV programmes will change, Songs of Praise will be on every day for 6 hours followed by Antiques programmes where grannies come along and try to look genuinely surprised when there family silver is valued at 2000 pounds while actually thinking "Oooh just think of all the scones I could bake with that money". Sex will be outlawed as will provocative music, dancing or clothes.

The only way to avoid Nannagedon will be to create bogus Saga holidays with the promise of free knitting classes, jam tastings and Bingo. Once a group is assembled, the driver will have to provide the supreme sacrifice and drive the coach over a cliff, or crash his boat into an iceberg. That way, the granny-culling can help to rebalance the population and the Reaper won't be fired from his job after all.

You heard it here first.....

The History of a Weekend in Vienna

Divided into three parts, a bit like a cake really...well a cake for three people, or one really big person who needed 2 pieces but was too shy to say, like Mozart, who wasn't big, or ate cake but did become really big...later

Part 1 - Will Comes in an Ostrich

Well he didn't really - I mean ostriches are really fast and running after one is a really silly idea, because you couldn't be fast enough or have enough corn and anyway it is not on my list of to-dos (or dodos for that matter).

So anyway my new buddy TM (The Mav) said 'Willkommen in Oesterreich' -"Will Comes in an Ostrich" before he buggered off for food - well, sort of food - bread with three nipples (or so it appears). Yes, barmen have to eat in Austria too. But he didn't eat any ostriches as that would be politically incorrect I think, and he's Turkish which means everything is a delight apart from the economy because it's corrupted like a bad disk - naughty disk *slaps hand across naughty disks arse* (his words not mine....I think).

Thus, M and I were there debating politics at 5am - ok - that's bollocks.... but we were still talking at 5am (which is more than married people can say).

I digress, Vienna is a beautiful city full of, well beautiful things like hotels, with beds and stuff. And I am so totally going to get in the shit for staying up all night with Mav, drinking Wodka etc. Scheiss - I'm turning into a Drama Goth........

*wobbles and falls off his bar stooll*

Part 2 - The Ostrich Strikes Back

So, suitably sobered up I got 'dragged' on a tour of Vienna. It is so full of interesting things that you want to - well, get a beer or two. Thankfully, Vienna has lots of beer - as you can see from the homeless people who gather around the local Billa (supermarket) with no homes but, funnily enough, lots of beer.

After watching lots of fat people jogging - ok, not really jogging, just walking fast - ok just walking, we got onto the city bus. The one that's like sightseeing for deaf people - i.e. headphones and stuff. Mariposa was most confused as to why the tour was in Chinese until she realised that I had been 'eine anschloss' with the settings for her audio - childish I know, but still funny - "why are they speaking in Chinese?" - *holds hands up* "I don't know"......liar!

Anyway, the family from hell were on the same bus and thus our tour was cut short - although the mental images of me sawing the parents in half still remain. We did some walking, took some silly pictures and then went to the art gallery. Gallery dosen't really convey the magnitude of this place. It's big - really big. And, to be honest, deeply impressive. Gustav Klimt rocks and I got to see Judith - THE Judith. After what seemed like forever, we set off back to the hotel to refresh and plan for our evenings entertainment/meal.

Guess what? A Mexican restaurant in Ostrich - hooray (on Praterstasse). An evening in the Hapsburg Empire speaking.....Spanish - muy bueno. We ordered our food, fajitas, drank our wine and were generally having a good time when THWACK the vegetarian from hell sits down at the next table. Why on earth this pasty-faced mother-fucker bothers coming out is beyond me. I feel like throwing a piece of celery and shouting "Fetch".

As if being a vegetarian isn't bad enough, she insists on going through the entire menu asking if there are onions in the dish - no onions. WTF. Since when can't vegetarians eat onions? Did they develop legs and breed whilst I was away? (Bar-stewards!!!). So eventually, the waitress came over to finalise our bill and delivered some peanuts to the veggy-one. "Sin cebolla?"..

Part 3 - A Phantom Menaces

Mariposa and I were walking down the main street and viewing Wien, which is superb, when we noticed a 'silly shop' - one that sells sex, sex magazines etc. Over 60 -

nope, not bra size, but age - what next? Dig this chick? (Please - dig her up). We laughed HA HA HA etc and then continued on our way, without purchasing any of said dodgy magazines I might add.

We had to take a horse-drawn carriage ride around the city but first, we had to partake of beverages. I suggested we take a place on a terrace overlooking the Cathedral mainly so that she could people-watch and so I could figure out which of the drivers looked most entertaining. I picked one, who I will call Heimlich (because it sounds Austrian and he did a great manouvere later) and we climbed aboard the carriage.

What a dude - he took his time showing us everything and describing in detail the city - he also waved the women horse-cab drivers past and turned round to say "typical women drivers eh?" which, I hasten to add was banter that te ladies laughed along with. The best part was, having the right of way, he went even more slowly at junctions where Ferraris and Porsches were itching to show off but had to sit there and wait - the Heimlich Manouvere.

Heimlich had an encyclopeodic knowledge of Wien and gave us the most interesting view of Wien and loads of laughs. Later, we saw him pass as we were on a terrace and he must have had politically correct people on board as he did not seem the same at all - more fool them - we had the true Wiener tour with humour and more knowledge than you can get from any guidebook. Apparently, the opera house was one of the last places to be bombed in WWII - 10 minutes before the truce was signed ... wankers. 345 people dead, hundreds of years of heritage trashed - hmmm wonder why war is shit then?!

However, all in all, a totally brilliant weekend (sorry I didn't post but I was having far too much fun). AND - being with the queen of languages it was nice to have the upper hand for once - she doesn't speak German but I do - hooray. Not going to show off and say something in German but what I will say is - Vienna (Wien) is a very interesting place to visit.

hasta luego,
S