miércoles, diciembre 05, 2007

It's Christmas Time

And there's no need to be afraid. Or so sang the Band Aid before they got plastered.

Well, I'm sorry, but it is a time to be afraid. My parents could never understand why I was scared but, in retrospect, if you explain it in similar terms, it becomes very much the Santa Witch Project.

"If you go to sleep, Santa will come"
"But if I'm asleep, how will he get in?"
"He'll come down the chimney"
"But, if there's a fire - he'll burn his bottom"
"It's ok, as he's magic and can walk through fire"
"Why does he want to come here though?"
"So he can leave you presents"
"Like a 'reverse burglar'?"
"No, he's just a jolly person who wants to reward all the good children in the world"
"But...... how does he know which children are good?"
"Because he watches them all through the year and if they're good...."
"How does he judge if they're good?"
"Erm, because he does.... as that's what he does"
"Ok - but how can he visit every child in the world in one night?"
"Well, he has a magic sleigh pulled by reindeer and.."
"Flying reindeer"
"Yes, flying reindeer..."
"Who can time travel"
"Pardon? - why would they want to time-travel?"
"Logically, he can't get all around the world in one night unless...."
"Fine - he can time travel"
"And walk through fire"
"Yes, he can walk through fire"
"And he sees everything in the world like Zeus?"
"He sees who's been good and who's been bad"
"I suppose you want me to go to sleep now?"
"Well, that would be nice dear"
"But, if I go to sleep, the magic man who can walk through fire, and time travel, and has flying reindeer, and who sees what everyone does throughout the year might come here - but he can also move like Samurai and I wouldn't hear him, but he might have a sword and chop my arms off"

"Honey - it's your turn to try and get him to sleep and where's that bloody sherry?!"

Oh, the joys of parenting.

Postscript - BUT Santa does exist, so there!!

13 comentarios:

PI dijo...

What I don't understand is if I'm a grown up why do I still have to wait till Christmas morning to open my presents. I have this discussion every year with my DIL. S'not fair!

john.g. dijo...

He can't exist, 'cause I've not had a present in the last 8 years. Bastard, I bet the sat nav is fucked!!

zoe dijo...

our chimney isn't open yet - in that we could have a chimney if we wanted one, but so far, no fireplace. so bugger me sideways as to how mr ho ho ho gets in.

i hate christmas.

Lynx dijo...

I've got no chimney, but as I'm not expecting any presents it doesn't really matter.

I'm glad I don't have to try to explain to an inquisitive 8 year-old how the fat old piss-head gets round the world in a night.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Pat -> common courtesy my love. I picked up xmas pressies from the UK last weekend - but I can't open them until the 25th

JG -> he bloody does too, you miserable twat - at least it's more believable that some smart-arse creating fish butties for 5,000

Zoe -> he probably uses the 'magic shed'

Lynx -> Santa is not a piss-head - he just likes a sherry or 5 billion

Stacie dijo...

Can you believe someone once tried to tell me there's no such thing as Santa? I just saw him shopping in the commissary last week too...I gave him a hug. I think he copped a feel...
Stacie

Tom dijo...

Well, I saw Sinterklaas on the way into work this morning...

I was seriously perturbed by the fat bloke as a boy, as I used to have a fireplace in my bedroom. Go to sleep? Far chance. Turns out it was my mum all along.

Tom dijo...

Far chance? I meant "fat chance" of course. Stupid fat fingers.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Stacie -> Santa copped a feel? Good on him

Tom -> fat fingers? could make you popular with the ladies I suppose

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Commissary, Stacie? You must either be in the army or in an Embassy. Santa has already been to my house. Well to my bank to be more accurate. Trebles all round!

Crabtree dijo...

The father Christmas, Santa Klaus or Niklaus or Sinterklaas, short saint Nicolas in the past bishop of the city of Myra, the boss of the small children!
I doubt that to Myra, located in Asia Minor there are chimneys??
I have never had presents being child ' in orphanages it not there in chimneys on the contrary the father fouettard was him ' there.
It really remains a truce!! Then at midnight I open him the parsque door as zoe I do not have chimney, but veils I peel the rush gla! Gla! And always no bearded man on the skyline...


Bonnes fêtes Sir Goth

Sewmouse dijo...

Santa is not as scary as Cheerleaders.

Clowns are not as scary as Cheerleaders.

Can't Sleep - Cheerleaders will flounce at me!!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Daphne -> cool, the milky-bars are on you

Dip-Dop -> the words 'Myra' and 'children' do not bode well together in the UK - methinks Satan was at his best for that one

Sewmouse -> I like cheerleaders - not sure if I could eat a whole one though