lunes, diciembre 24, 2007

Reflections Of An Ass

So, I was meandering along my way, quite happily I might add, when I got accosted. I don't mean busted for drugs, as I wasn't carrying any this time, I mean that I got stopped and asked to carry a heavily pregnant woman and a variety of pots and pans.

Normally, that wouldn't bother me - I can't really complain as it is in the job description of being 'An Ass For Hire' but, this muppet kept complaining that he hadn't got his wife pregnant at all - it was the 'Hand of God' or some lame excuse.

Now, I'm not human but even my furry butt understands that you don't get laden with youngsters without getting a bit frisky - trying to foist the blame onto a non-specific entity is the oldest trick in the book.

Anyway, we arrived at some love-shack where my customer decided that we should spend the night. I wasn't overly fussed as it was getting a bit chilly and to be fair, the driver had got some carrots hidden in the towel on his head, which was bloody handy as I was feeling a bit peckish.

I was feeling rather tired and let slip the fact that I do actually speak. It wasn't really my fault but the woman was moaning so much that an expletive escaped from my tongue....

"Jesus Fucking Christ"

I muttered and, to my dismay, the woman said "That's a nice name - I think I might go with that". To be honest, I nearly choked on my carrot but, discretion being the better part of valour, I held my tongue and tried not to regurgitate the carrots.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the barn door, and three hippies appeared talking nonsense about 'following a light' or something. To be honest, I couldn't understand what they were harping on about - the smell that they were exuding was so bloody atrocious.

"We have presents for the Son Of God" said one of the hippies.
"Yeah - we've totally brought some..... dude, what did we bring?"
"We have brought things - important things.... that are worth lots of money because..."
"Yes - we've brought some stuff, that you totally won't use but smells nice in the bath, I think....."

The rest of the conversation is a bit hazy because I was desperate to go to the toilet and to be honest, the services in the hostelry were a bit shit and I didn't fancy the look of them at all. Thus, I farted and pretended I was going somewhere interesting.

I was going to return but there was so much fawning over the sprog, that I didn't feel that I belonged. Anyway, I already had my saddle-bags packed for my trip to Peru. I have to go and see Diana The Llama - she has the nicest girly-lumps you have ever seen.

4 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

LMFAO!! A miserable Crapmas to you!!

Crabtree dijo...

Je reviens d'un monde sans lumière ,un espace vide, sans aucun son,un écran noir ??
Je réssucite avec Noël c'est surprenant ?

Je te souhaite à toi , Mariposa et les p'tits Goths un NOEL digne de ton monde .

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

That's no llama, that's a dromedary you dozy donkey! Do you speak with an Eddie Murphy accent? The Bible doesn't tell us what they did with the gold, frankincense and myrrh does it? I've always wondered.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> And a happy 'shite-mas' to you too Sir (and I hope your Scalextrix burns up and dies in a horrible spelling error)

Dip-Dop -> Un Joyeux Noël à vous et tous vos chameaux

Daphne -> I would be apalled... if I could spell it. I think Monsieur Le Scrumpy has had side-effects