Reflections Of An Ass

So, I was meandering along my way, quite happily I might add, when I got accosted. I don't mean busted for drugs, as I wasn't carrying any this time, I mean that I got stopped and asked to carry a heavily pregnant woman and a variety of pots and pans.

Normally, that wouldn't bother me - I can't really complain as it is in the job description of being 'An Ass For Hire' but, this muppet kept complaining that he hadn't got his wife pregnant at all - it was the 'Hand of God' or some lame excuse.

Now, I'm not human but even my furry butt understands that you don't get laden with youngsters without getting a bit frisky - trying to foist the blame onto a non-specific entity is the oldest trick in the book.

Anyway, we arrived at some love-shack where my customer decided that we should spend the night. I wasn't overly fussed as it was getting a bit chilly and to be fair, the driver had got some carrots hidden in the towel on his head, which was bloody handy as I was feeling a bit peckish.

I was feeling rather tired and let slip the fact that I do actually speak. It wasn't really my fault but the woman was moaning so much that an expletive escaped from my tongue....

"Jesus Fucking Christ"

I muttered and, to my dismay, the woman said "That's a nice name - I think I might go with that". To be honest, I nearly choked on my carrot but, discretion being the better part of valour, I held my tongue and tried not to regurgitate the carrots.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the barn door, and three hippies appeared talking nonsense about 'following a light' or something. To be honest, I couldn't understand what they were harping on about - the smell that they were exuding was so bloody atrocious.

"We have presents for the Son Of God" said one of the hippies.
"Yeah - we've totally brought some..... dude, what did we bring?"
"We have brought things - important things.... that are worth lots of money because..."
"Yes - we've brought some stuff, that you totally won't use but smells nice in the bath, I think....."

The rest of the conversation is a bit hazy because I was desperate to go to the toilet and to be honest, the services in the hostelry were a bit shit and I didn't fancy the look of them at all. Thus, I farted and pretended I was going somewhere interesting.

I was going to return but there was so much fawning over the sprog, that I didn't feel that I belonged. Anyway, I already had my saddle-bags packed for my trip to Peru. I have to go and see Diana The Llama - she has the nicest girly-lumps you have ever seen.