jueves, diciembre 27, 2007

The Little Book Of Calmer

Oh yes. I have found the 'little book of preposterous nonsense' again and I feel it only right that I share this complete and utter bullshit with you.

I don't know who wrote this, but I do know that if he, or she, muttered any of these meandering delusions in my prescence, he, or she would get soundly beaten to a pulp.

Unfortunately, according to the burble on the cover of this dissection of the human spirit, there are over 2 million idiots who have purchased this drivel and are wandering around the world in a delusional fashion.

A few select morsels for your entertainment and derision....

"The fewer things you must do in life, the fewer things you own, manage or are responsibile for, the fewer are the stresses that accompany them" - yeah, and I bet your partner was over the moon when you came out with that crock of shit - oh wait, you're single.... I wonder why that might be.

"Have you ever noticed how relaxed you feel the moment you remove your watch? Remove yours from time to time, and remove yourself from time pressures" - but how would you know when it was time to remove the bloody thing - you trippy hippy.

"The clothes you wear have a distinct influence on the way you feel. Loose garments, natural fabrics and light colours all lead to calm. This is why yogis wear white" - enough you idiot. Firstly, Yogi wore a tie, and a hat - neither of which were white. Secondly, the Klu Klux Clan wore white garments as per your instructions and I distinctly recall them not being calm, or rational - in fact, they were a bunch of neaderthal shitheads.

"If you substitute a herbal tea such as peppermint for more stimulating drinks such as coffee and tea, your ability to be calm will be enhanced many times" - so should I take coffee instead of herbal tea you muppet? - and, I don't see any mention of Wodka in that list, or Jack Daniels.

"Gardeners are among the most calm and relaxed people (while they're gardening) you'll find" - hmm, ok. But the rest of the time they're completely stressed about the fucking moles digging up their plants?!

Right. Enough of this bullshit. I am now going to set fire to the book and instantly feel calmer about myself. Ha ha, the book works you see - given enough petrol and a lighter - and a handy bottle of JD.

Calmer now :-)

6 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

FIRST!!

I agree, but moles only eat worms, not plants. And they can't dig them up as the mole is under the plant, therefore would have to PUSH the plant up!

I sense some severe abuse coming! Happy New Year Goth!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> I was thinking more about the classic Jasper Carrot sketch - and no, I won't be sending you abuse...... yet

john.g. dijo...

Goth, my dad has just pissed himself listening to that!

Sewmouse dijo...

I don't worry about moles in the garden. Slugs, tomato hornworms, wasps and skunks, perhaps, but not moles. Merry Xmas, Goth - Happy Happy New Year.

shellibells dijo...

Although I'm not sure about the whole light and white thing, i do believe the clothing you wear makes you feel a certain way... at last for me it does.

oh, and fewer things? indeed. clutter gives me a headache.

peppermint DEFINATELY calms the stomach, but i'm a bitch without my coffee so that's gotta be a crock of shit!


I'm with you, burn the book and sip the jd. or gulp if you need to feel calmer! ;)

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> It is somewhat of a classic - couldn't find the video version where he's on a barstool, imitating a lighthouse ;-))

Sewmouse -> we don't have skunks here in Europe - the imported grey squirrels nicked all their food - but Merry Xmas and all the best for the New Year too my dear

Shelli -> The clothing thing I totally understand - I wouldn't be a Goth without taking pride in what I wear. Bizarrely enough, I find that tonic water is best for calming the stomach - and chocolate stops coughing. Besos XXX