I'm a bit of a crossword person, but not the 'baby' ones. I want the 'impossible to complete' type. Hell, it's no fun at all if you can complete it. For fucks sake, I could have coloured the bastard thing in and held my hand up saying "Miss, Miss - I've finished".
No, I need deeply ironic clues, that mean nothing to people outside of 'The Club'. And yes, there are 'clubs' - they stick to the same newspaper every day and try to complete the cryptic crossword each day.
Somewhere, probably behind prison walls, are a deeply sardonic and sadistic set of people who set these clues.
Why are these people behind bars? Because it's the only place that they are safe when people like me are left with one answer missing and the clue makes no sense at all.
YES, I will be dreaming about the question. Thankyou, you bastard !! And at 'silly o clock' I will wake up with the answer.
Except, it's not the answer at all, but then I can't go back to sleep.
Two days later, I will see the answers and shout silently "That's not a fucking word you twat" but wander off to check the dictionary. And then....
I feel impressed that I was wrong. Bizarre, I know, but I do actually like to learn.
At least it's educational unlike Sudoku - I mean, if you fuck up with a choice
of only the numbers 1-9, that has to be somewhat sad.
Grandpa, The Wizard (as some readers of this blog might know him), could complete The Times crossword with his eyes shut.
Bollocks - I can't even do it with my eyes wide open.