Talking to animals and birds is quite simple really, I think - but then again, I don't think, I just do... as opposed to Dr Doolittle (the fictional character) who didn't do very much at all - hence his name.
It's a facet of my character that I have had to re-activate recently, on account of the addition of a cat to Goth World. The Cat says 'Miaow' and I have to identify whether it means:-
a) I want food
b) I want to use the cat tray, but you have closed the door and I cannot access it, therefore I will wee on your favourite chair
c) You humans are a genocidal race, prone to self destruction and you have no empathy for other creatures on your planet that sustain the environment
or
d) Stroke me
Somewhere, in the advert breaks on Gothic TV, I have to figure out whether the emphasis was on the MI part of MIAOW, or the OW part - which would not be good. The Cat could be asking to go to the toilet and then having a painful time, or talking Chinese, for a laugh.
But, The Cat is originally from Portugal - what if he doesn't understand English, or French or Spanish?? (I didn't even bother with Flemish as it's shit to start with).
I'm pretty sure I have it figured out. There appears to be a lot of 'purrrrring' so that must me good right?
NO - I'm figuring, if pussy is happy, that's a good thing... generally. Especially in Goth World, if you're a lesbian like me.
Unless, I'm wrong.... (which does happen....) so what now?
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I am convinced that more often than not miaow means option C) plus, "...and we noble and wise cats have to take over the world before you destroy us all. I will begin by indenturing you to my servitude. Now scratch me behind the ears gingerly and when the day of reckoning comes, I might look upon you with mercy."
Or, you know, something.
Then you have the people who think cats are the devil and how black cats are bad luck. Seems like I would've had a pet cat by now for those reasons. But I'm a dog and weird freaky kind of animal kind of guy. The freaky kind of animal that will lick your toes in your sleep right after it mauls a burgler to death, morbid perhaps or just the alcohol talking.
I'm not really into cats- thanks Mum -but our dogs used to talk through us - we were their mouth pieces. Havoc - a Pembrokeshire corgi spoke with a Lancashire accent which is odd as she was born and bred in deepest Norfolk. Jock our border line spaniel had a distinctly Scottish burr. How I miss them .
My wee Scottie yaps away in an incomprehensible Glaswegian dialect. Sometimes a Bonio will shut him up. Unless he's been on the Special Brew.
Ani -> Indeed - I was worried it was option C
YSB -> think you're wrong there - most civilisations believe cats to be sacred, and he doesn't need to maul any burglar, he'll just scare the shit out of him by running around the wall 5 feet off the ground
Pat -> I like dogs too, but they need all that walking malarkey and they don't get it when you're busy, whereas a cat just turns on his tail and says "Piss off then, I have stuff to do"
Daphne -> I know what to bring to the Xmas blog-meet then - a big bag of Winalot (as a carry-out)
I like cats - and Madame Joad doesn't - ergo, we don't have a cat. All I know is that my old moggie would look at me with such disdain sometimes I was often glad I didn't know what he was thinking. He disembowelled a pigeon in the living room once - proper CSI-style - guts and shit (literally) everywhere. He had no idea as to why this didn't make me ecstatically happy. He probably still thinks I'm an ungrateful bastard.
A lesbian?
I'm not even going to dignify any of this with an answer.
Oh, wait...
Deep-fried Winalot, marinated in Special Brew, was our annual Xmas dinner.
Though we usually couldn't afford the Winalot.
Bird tables ? BIRD TABLES ?
What kind of twatty middle-class SE household do you think I grew up in ?
We had enough on our plates (in a manner of speaking) with the seagulls trying to eat US.
On a side note - the only way to kill a seagull is to stuff an Askit powder down it's throat.
(chemical reaction - they fly off and explode, like in that Bond film -true.)
Uncooked popcorn works too as birds cannot fart (true too)
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