viernes, noviembre 23, 2007

The Idiots Guide To

Following on from the best selling 'Dummies Guide to' series, purchased by millions of idiots around the world, I have decided (in a cold and calculating way) to add Gothic impetus to the movement.

Unfortunately, the cynical side of my nature appears to be blocking the process somewhat. Therefore I have decided it is in the best interests of humanity (and my bank balance) to throw the issue open to cyber-world in the hope that you come up with some better ideas that I can shamelessly steal and fuck off to the Caribbean with.

And before you start any of that premature cogitation stuff, these are the ideas I have already made my Gothic Cat eat:-

THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO:


  • Carpentry - "Don't nail him to a tree - he could be famous or anything"

  • Computers - "Try turning the bastard thing on you...."

  • Cookery - Food, Microwave, PING (and silver foil, whilst funny as fuck, is not a good option in the microwave)

  • Christmas - Just buy loads of shit that no-one wants (but keep the receipt)

  • Chess - Fucking boring, so don't do it. Just Say NO

Now as you may have noticed, I have only used the letter C - and I skillfully avoided the word 'Cunts', nearly.

Anyway, your suggestions for my new series of books would be appreciated and, if all goes to plan, I will buy the suggester of the most suggestive suggestion, a castle in Scotland (or somewhere equally shit that no-one wants to live).

HA - put that in your Potter-Pipe and smoke it Rowling.....

8 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

Crochet!Apparently you get hooked.

Tom Joad dijo...

Mobile phones: No we're not impressed. It's a phone.

TV: Don't.

Cats: Obey.

Crisps: Salt and Vinegar should be blue. BLUE, I tell you.

PI dijo...

Housework: leave it! After three years the dust stops growing. Proven fact.

JolietJake dijo...

women: I've impressed so many women with the amount of crap I can drink, bloody idiot!

driving: this shit is a piece of piss with GPS, twat.

marriage: we don't need sky, I can watch the monday night games in the pub. Moron

divorce: we don't need sky, I can watch the monday night games in the pub, errrm...

house plants: yeh sure, go on holiday with your mates, I'll look after your plants. I thought she said pants, I was talking to them for a fortnight.

apple mac: this is difficult, see next line

being an idiot: blank sheet of paper, QED

JolietJake dijo...

One more thing; Tom Joad, salt and vineger crisps are GREEN. Cheese and Onion are BLUE.

End of "discussion".

Tom Joad dijo...

JJ - I beg to differ. When I were a lad, Golden Wonder and Smith's Salt and Vinegar were blue. I blame Walker's.

Daphne Wayne-Bough, dijo...

When I were a lad, I mean gel, you got plain crisps with a little blue twist of paper with salt in it. Now that's class.

Then again, I remember threepenny bits.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> shouldn't that be 'get hooped'?

Tom -> if it makes a phone call, it does it's job - not so sure about the crisps though

Pat -> but that's why cleaners were invented

JJ -> your idiots guide to women should be interesting....
and I like the blank piece of paper thing - sounds like most project plans I've been given

Tom -> I might have to concur with you on that

Daphne -> I remember salt n shake crisps and I'm not old at all