Swiss Army Knives

And so, the country of Switzerland, came up with a brilliant idea. "Ve vill incorporate all ze veapons into eine kleine tool" (in a fake German type accent). Thus, the world became aware of the Swiss Army knife. They entered into their first battle and said "Bevare, ve haben ze dangerous weapon" and the enemy said "But we have guns and tanks and rockets and..." to which the Swiss replied "We are so sorry, we are neutral and cannot condone wars of any kind" and ran away quickly to invent Heidi.

My father had one of these 'Swiss Army Knives' and to be honest, it was a piece of shit. He tried to impress me as an adult tries to do by saying "Look, this implement is like a saw and I will saw the branch off this tree in no time at all" - half an hour later and with less wood chippings than you could make with a decent pencil sharpener, he gave up. "Go and fetch me the axe son, this bastards pissing me off now".

Didn't give up though, Goth bless him... "But look" he insisted "It has a magnifying glass that makes small things seem really big". I looked and then replied "But can it burn ants though?". "Erm, I'll just try it and see" he said and it was far less efficient than two glass bottles held at the correct angle.

"But it has a screwdriver implement that means you can undo screws like this one and OW YOU FUCKING TWAT" he exclaimed as the implement snapped back against his finger. After he had finished swearing, I asked him to demonstrate the 'tweezer' implement. Always entertaining, as it was about as much use as a pair of chopsticks and some sellotape against a vampire.

Other various implements included knives that could cut through paper, as if it were made of wood. A can opener that could open cans made from cardboard oh and a corkscrew that doesn't work any better than a decent screwdriver with a hard smack.

"The toothpick thing works though" he said, as if that proved the worth of the tool. "And one day, all of this will be yours".

"Hmmm" I replied "No wonder Switzerland is so fucking boring"

I'm sure there are some others I missed out but I'm not exactly worried about Switzerland invading me anytime in the near future.....