sábado, junio 16, 2007

Another Shit Plan, Perfectly Executed

It's a phrase I developed due to certain things that Mariposa managed to do but, as I have done far many more, it is only fair to illustrate the phrase with one of mine.

I'd been to a house party at a friends house who lived about 2 miles away. Copious amounts of Jack Daniels had been drunk, I had obviously accidentally 'passive smoked' some marijuana as I obviously wouldn't do that myself, but I do remember feeling slightly giggly for no apparent reason.

Time to go - I said my farewells and I left, feeling quite happy and ok, into the fresh air and OH SHIT - suddenly, I can't stand up. I grabbed for the nearest wall and hung on for dear life. After a while I decided that if I held onto the wall all the way home I would be ok. So, that's what I did. "Thanks for this Mr Wall" I mumbled to my new best friend "And I thought Pink Floyd were very harsh on you".

After some time, the urge overcame me - I needed a cigarette. However, to light this I needed to let go of the wall. Bad mistake. As soon as I did, lateral gravity took hold of me and I plunged sideways, cigarette in mouth, into the road landing on my side. There was a screech of tyres as a car came screaming to a halt inches from me. I looked to see what sort of car it was and muttered a silent 'Oh Fuck'.

The policewoman got out of the police car and asked if I was ok - "S'pose so" I mumbled. "What were you doing?" she asked. "Trying to light this" I burbled, holding up a decidely trashed cigarette. Then the conversation went severely downhill :-

PC ->"Where do you live?"
S ->"Not telling"
PC ->"Why not?"
S ->"Don't wanna"
PC ->"Right, get in the car"
S ->"It's no use trying to bribe me"
I relented eventually and told her..
PC ->"What are you going this way for?"
S ->"I have completely no fucking idea"

Apparently, I'd already walked a mile in the completely wrong direction. She put me in the car, took me home and waited patiently while I tried every trick I knew to get the key into the keyhole. As I lived alone, I couldn't just lean on the doorbell and wait, so benevolent PC Woman had to wait. Eventually, via the law of averages, I managed to open the door. I held onto the doorjamb and leant slightly backwards to give her the thumbs up.

I went straight to bed and crashed out. Now, the thing with long hair is it holds smells - big time. The following morning I woke up and my bedroom smelt like a thousand hippies had been there.

Poor PC Woman I thought, she must have returned the car at the end of her shift and been drug-tested. It must have bloody reeked of hash.

Oh well, another shit plan, perfectly executed.

*and yours are????*

9 comentarios:

kimmyk dijo...

LOL! I would have loved to see you talking to her. "Not telling!" LOL, that had me crackin' up.

I don't think hugging on that wall is what Syd had in mind...or maybe he did. He was wicked crazy.

JolietJake dijo...

Got double booked on a gig once but the landlord paid us anyway, it was his mistake. So there I was with pocket money and free night.

I decided to "drink the cocktail menu" that was the kind of plan I was prone to in those days. There were about 12-15 on the menu. I can remember ordering number 5, then I woke up in the back of someones car in Bradford Station the following morning. Lucky the owner didn't turn up, it was about 9am on a Sunday.

Apparently I did finish the menu and then dissapeared into the night.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Kimmy -> Growing up with father-dear as a police type person means I have no respect for the twats at all (which is a shame as I know it's a tricky job)

JJ -> I remember that story, that's why you're in the band 'piss-head' - move over Motley Crue, there's a new gang in town !!

Mr. X dijo...

Trying to drink our way up a bar with 10 rather strong real ales.
Didn't get very far, needless to say, in either the drinking or trying to pull the barmaid.
And, as you do, was the proud possessor of a flesh-stripped elbow and a black eye in the morning. And no idea of how either came about.

We no longer drink very much...

zoe dijo...

too long to go into, but it involved a spliff, fresh air, a wooden pole, a beer, a door and somebody's doorway.

Delboy's Daughter dijo...

HAHA great story!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hi Dellboy's D -> the funny thing is that it is entirely true...apart from the'passive' smoking bit.

Mr Farty dijo...

Hahaha, what a prat! I'm glad I've never done anything embarrassing like that. No, wait...


SpanishGoth dijo...

This is so fucking funny - GO HERE OR DIE