So, You're a TV Producer?

Assuming that you had shit loads of money, probably little talent, but an incredible notion for what the public would like..... you come up with an idea for a TV show. Not just a one-off though, a whole series of the same. Come on ladies, gentlemen and the others - pitch it to me. Tell me why your TV show should work.

You've got a lot of leeway on this. Think about the competition. Just think of some of the incredibly shit ideas that already made it onto TV.

• Well, it's like on a beach right, and it's about lifeguards, and they save peoples lives - aw fuck it, just think of the tits bouncing up and down in slow motion
• So there's this team like, and they're on the run but always help people by building tanks from, any shit that's hanging around and, yeah, I love it when a plan comes together
• The dude can time travel, in a box, but then these upside down cans with weird erections chase him, except they can't go upstairs, cos they don't have legs, but they're really scary, oh and he has a scarf, cos you always need one of those right?
• Ok, we have an animal park and we just turn the cameras on and then the animals do things, like living, or perhaps dying - but that's the beauty see, you never know what might happen, apart from when they sleep - ooooh, just thought, they might snore or anything
• It's all about a street where people live, but they're never happy and things happen like, well I dunno, stuff, but then, well....., some other stuff happens and they make a cup of tea, and swear cos everyone swears when they make tea right?
• Picture the scene, there's a boat, and, well it floats and stuff, in a dreamy way, and then people come together and fall in love, cos you would if you were on a boat, unless you saw an iceberg and then you'd think, well why didn't that fucker at the front warn us?

Come on, you can do better than this - pitch it to me

(and no smart arse should mention anything about being locked in a house thankyou)