Choosing Your Disciples

So Jesus realised that he needed to pick some disciples so he took a walk on the shore of Galilee and he approached the man with the big beard who was busy fishing. "You will come with me and be one of my disciples".

"Piss off, I'm fishing" replied the man.

"But you can become a fisher of men" said Jesus "But that's stupid" replied the man "Men don't live in the water".

"Not like that" an exasperated Jesus started to explain "We shall go forward and spread the word of the Lord".

"Oh I see" said the new disciple "And what is the word? Chocolate?".

"We will go forth and find.....what do you mean chocolate?"

"Well, you said about a word and we had to spread it - oh right, is it Marmalade then?"

"No it's not bloody marmalade - it will be us spreading the teachings of the Lord and will bring peace and goodwill to men. We will not be wandering around handing out bloody marmalade"

"It's a bit of a shit game, this guess the word thing but, the peace and goodwill sounds interesting so ok, count me in, my name is Simon"

"Excellent" responded Jesus "And I shall call you Peter"

"But that's not my name - I just told you it was Simon"

But it was too late as Jesus was wandering off looking for more disciples... thus Peter the Fisherman was recruited and packed up his fishing gear to follow Jesus. As he left he could be heard mumbling - "I wonder if it's butter, I can't believe it's not buter"

A Challenge

Normally, I would tell anyone that set me a challenge to fuck off. But, this challenge was set by a person I respect and thus, I will adhere to it - a bit like superglue but without the stickiness and shite packaging.

The challenge? - to create a story using the titles of the tracks from one album. Granted it was not specified which album (and it will be short, in a vertically challenged way) - so welcome to the darkness in a Gothic fashion.

THE STORY

Master Eldritch had an idea about a new clothing line - not just one idea rather an "Avalanche" of ideas. Thus he decided to do a "Dress Rehearsal Rag" even though he was uncertain about being "Last Year's Man" because that would be silly, like getting caught in the rain and not having your "Famous Blue Raincoat".

But when "Love Calls You by Your Name" you cannot run away like a big girls blouse - "Joan of Arc" tried that and the muppets tied her to some flammable material and set her on fire. Despite her protests and the dwarves, who proclaimed that there were "Diamonds in the Mine" - she was toast, in a barbeque type fashion.

"HOY, you daft bastards" she said, but they were religious and fervent and so she gave up, as it was pointless, in a 'making no difference' kind of way.

As the flames tickled her torso she said "Sing Another Song, Boys" because Smoke On The Water was really pissing her off, in a fucking hell, I'm on fire way.

Therefore, Master Eldritch decided that black was good and thus, the Sisters of Mercy were created.

END OF STORY

Your turn bozo, I mean J

P.S. The album is here

And The Lord Said

"Ritchie, I'm not playing that - it's crap. Here I am, a classically trained musician and you want me to play along with nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nee, na ? It's bollocks mate" but he gave in and thus Smoke was on the water.

However, as his wife had spent a lot of money in Tesco, he had to continue to play things he didn't want to. The Lord was frustrated but had to continue Space Truckin until the devil came along - disguised as a large Poodle.

"Come and get it" said the Poodle "For I have captured the wisdom of the ages, and it is contained within a snake, that is white"

'Here I Go Again' thought the Lord but, Ready and Willing, the Lord buggered off wth the Poodle and was able to go on Top of The Pops, which was nice as he liked Pan's People, for they were good of body, if slightly retarded in mind.

Meanwhile, Mrs Lord was busy decorating the home, 'Hmmm' she thought 'I think I'd like a dark colour in this room - a nice Deep Purple would be good'.

I'm Still Alive

Thanks to PJ for that line, and yes the song has helped me (assuming you even know what I'm talking about with Eddie & company).

The point is whatever shit you throw in my direction, I will get over it.

Yes, I had a perfect childhood - I never got beaten up, really - well, I never had to go to hospital, apart from the few occasions - like the time my skull was fractured.

My parents were always there for me, in an invisible way and my 'friends' were always there for me, except when they were busy doing something more important.

It was very interesting to move house every 2 years and assume that all people lived out of cardboard boxes as we did.

I really enjoyed falling in love for it to be snatched away in an instant.

Think I'm fucked up?

I would never say that - as I was priveleged enough to sing with the Soweto Choir at the Llangollen International Eisteddfod many years ago, and I feel blessed.

Having heard their stories afterwards, my dramas mean nothing in the overall scheme of things. I can't even contemplate being in their situation.

(and this is the one and only time you will see this)

GOD bless you and that is only to those that believe ....

Loads Of Money

So apparently, the Euro Millions jackpot this Friday is 130 million Euros. That's a lot of fucking money, unless you're Bill Gates or someone equally removed from reality. I got thinking (never a particluarly wise move) about what I would do if I won all that money. Just think what you could buy ?! You could buy small countries for that.

So what would you do with that amount of money?

I know what I'd do, and it is probably not what you think I would.

Firstly, I would take a few weeks out to consider my options but I would want to do positive things.

Secondly, I would not donate any money to charity. If I wanted to help the AIDS foundation, I would meet with Elton John and say "Well, I'll put one million in, if you match it - but I want to see the outcome". Then onto Bono "You want to fix poverty in Africa, here's another million - you match it but I want to meet the people it has benefitted" and so on.

Thirdly, I would get all the big corporations to add their resources - you want to keep customers, help mankind as they are your customers.

As I said, thinking is probably not a wise move for me.

But, what would you do if you suddenly received 130 million?

Don't Get Mad, Get Even

It has been suggested that I am an angry young man. No. Not true.

I do not set out to pick fights nor am I unhappy. I have an issue with the concept of god but that's another story all together.

I have listened to Reverend Tyler (and am in love with his daughter, in a loving the unobtainable fashion) and will walk that way. I believe it is fine to dream on and will find my toys in the attic. I'm in love and that is a sweet emotion.

I do react to people, especially soldiers of god, invading my personal space but - scheiss passiert. Just because I don't like smart arses trying to practice their shamanism or whatever on me doesn't make me bad.

Overall, I'm a happy little Goth with love in his heart, a song in his heart and a desire to enrich the lives of everyone.

Fucking hell, now I sound like a hippy. Bollocks, now I have to go and find and tree to hug.

*wanders off with JD in hand thinking about love in an elevator*

I Am Not A Fucking Dude

There are many things I have been called, and still am called. Dude is not bloody one of them - if you care for your life. For fucks sake call me a vampiric twat from satans semen if you want, that has to be better than 'dude'.

I have honed this Gothic image to perfection. I have the clothes, I have the hair, I even know who Dani Filth is, pathethic short arsed twat. (oh, and I hope you appreciate the irony of my posting the NL version).

Anyway, I do not appreciate being called DUDE.

Fuck off and play with your friends on skateboards, motting their hooples.

"Oh but you totally know about this system dude"

"Yes, I could rebuild your database but I don't want to"

"I'm sensing some negative vibes here dude"

"And did you note the correlation between your attempted connection with my persona based on your visual perception, and my then complete lack of compliance?"

"Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about"

"That will be why your systems fucked then"

*Thus endeth another day in the pub in Goth World*

The Antichrist

Contrary to some peoples belief I am not, nor ever wish to be the Antichrist. It's not because I object to the jesus part of it. If you want to believe in the fairy stories about some hippy buggering about Jerusalem on a donkey 2,000 years ago making people happy - I'm happy for you.

No, the part I don't like is the ANTI bit. People just don't seem to get it at all. For example:-

Anti-War? Some 'tree-hugger' decides to mount an Anti-War campaign. "Yes, together we shall muster an army of believers and march against the tyranny of war". Look you fucking muppet, you're doing the same thing just in a different way.

Anti-Fur? The Anti-Fur campaigners scare the shit out of me. I can just see gangs of them roaming around the forest pouncing on some unsuspecting bear "Quick, throw the paint on him" "No, hold the bastard down while we shave him" - "Yeah, that'll teach him to wear fur !"

Anti-oxidants? Leave them alone. What did oxidant ever do to piss on your bonfire?

Anti-perspirant. People smell for a reason - it's time to get washed. Cats don't need deodorant, they know if they smell so they just stop exactly where they are and give themselves a bath. Teenagers start to smell and so they just spray everything with Sure and hope nobody notices.

Anti-social? So the theory is that if I don't agree with your perceived way of living I am considered antisocial. Well, what if your way of living is totally shit? Tough, I will become a pariah until a few years later everyone realises that I was right and suddenly am promoted from pariah to dead hero - bit fucking late for the acclaim but there you go.

I'm sure there are some more Anti things that you can suggest. Fire away.....

Strange Dreams

Regular visitors to Goth World will know that I have some strange dreams. Squirrels on skateboards with machine guns, cow-pat frisby competitions etc but the latest one is interesting for a single principle, which should become apparent as you read the following.

It's not often that I indulge in chocolate. Not being female, it doesn't give the same blast of pheromones (or the squidgy bit that follows) so I don't go in search of chocolate love - but occassionally I dabble with Black Magic.

Anyhow, I was dreaming, about nice things for a change, instead of dead people. In my dream, I had this really large chocolate muffin - the sort that contains liquid chocolate inside it so that when you pierce the fluffy chocolate exterior, liquid chocolate oozes or squirts out (depending on how you poke it).

So, in my dream, I am looking at this muffin and marvelling at it's beauty but can't decide whether to pour cream over it, or ice cream or ..... there's a thought, the lovely cherry sauce that I brought back from Vienna. Hence, I pick up the bottle of cherry sauce and pour it over my lovely, hot muffin.

Except

It's not cherry sauce, it's olive oil

DOH

Then, I suddenly thought - 'Hold on a minute, this is a dream - not reality'. So I said "Fuck off, this is my dream and I will do what I want" and it was like running a film backwards - the olive oil retreated back into the bottle leaving my lovely muffin as it was.

It's not something I have done before in my dreams but I have to say, I was fucking impressed.

I don't even know if I ate the muffin after all but Mariposa was happy that I woke up with a smile on my face.

WAKE UP - Rage Against The Machine

oh, btw, what was your strangest dream?

AND, being a twat, I am making this a TAG, and so I tag:-

Tippler
Johnny Gihad
Princess
Zoe or her twat
Minky

Do it, don't do it - I don't actually give a fuck, just thought it was an amusing idea

The Tony Blair Which Project?

I presume it must be tricky stepping down from one of the most powerful positions in the world today. What project do you take on next? The desire to do something single-handedly must be a major male desire - whoops, that's masturbation.

Anyway, having totally fixed Northern Ireland all on his own, I guess the only bigger challenge is fixing the Middle East conflict. I mean that has to represent a bigger challenge right? They've been kicking the shit out of each other for thousands of years and if you can just turn up, play your theme tune 'Things Can Only Get Better' and it's fixed - instant hero worship.

But, how does the messiah start with this process? Well, first you'd need a film crew to fuck about in the woods for a few days. You wouldn't want to spend any money as that would be stupid - but, luckily enough, being best mates with G W(anker) Bush you can get CNN to do it for free.

However, pissing about in the woods is labourious and you might encounter a big Brown bear, so you should take some friends with you. It also helps if your wife can scare the shit out of critters by just coming out of the closet, sorry, tent - with a face pack on. Thus Blair proclaimed a 'War on Terror' and so it became illegal to be a vampire, or ogre, or monster of any kind especially if you had a beard - which meant you were completely fucked if you were a werewolf.

Hence, the next chapter of the Blair Project began and people ran about screaming "Allah, the shit is not working" and Blair said "Give it time, for time is our greatest ally in the fight against evil" in a slightly sanctimonious and somewhat patronising way.

And thus, the Brown bear was propped up in the corner and as the camera fell to the ground one could just hear the screaming in the background "I didn't mean to fuck the budget up Lord Evil".........

Thankyou Mr Izzard

So, I attended my first dinner party for a while. I had been warned about what NOT to say, or mention etc. It's tricky as I like to throw a conversation with a weird statement that has no bearing on the current topic at all, but, love rested on my behaviour (and she was sitting next to me).

Thus, I was good, and well behaved, and didn't do anything untoward at all, really. I ate food in the proper fashion, listened to jazz and said appropriate statements like 'groovy' and was generally extremely well behaved.

Mariposa was pleased as it was like I was fitting into society, in a general, 'fitting-in' kind of way. I entered into the whole spirit of things and I offered tips on cooking, did not swear in any language, and simplistically, was a very good Goth.

Everything was going swimmingly well as we sat around the table, as if we were in a Jane Austen novel, eating the gorgeous food that had been prepared, drinking the lovingly chosen wine and talking seriously about the state of affairs in Africa.

Until...

I got asked a question about a particular food. "So, how would you like your .... ?"

"Covered in bees"

At which point, wine flew out of everyones nostrils and the whole occassion took on a different perspective.

It probably doesn't make an awful lot of sense unless you have seen Eddie Izzard talking about bees, but if you haven't, go Here and then you might get it.

Oh well, scheiss passiert !!

Witchcraft

Firstly, before you religious harpies start bombarding me with messages about how I should convert to your religion - fuck off and think about why you believe what you do before you start an argument. The reason being that I would not start an argument without knowing a little bit about what I'm talking about first.

Secondly, do not confuse witchcraft with the concept of old hags pissing about on broomsticks turning people into frogs or something for no bloody reason at all. That is not what being a witch is at all.

Thirdly, assuming you've got this far, I do not believe in the occult, Satan as an entity, sacrificing goats (unless you need a kebab), or drinking blood - I am not a vampire as they don't actually exist, apart from vampire bats but they don't count as they drink horses blood, get pissed on blood, fall off and get trod on (which is pretty fucking stupid).

Now that I've got that shit off my mind, let's turn to witchcraft. It pre-dates most religions and is common in all cultures. It is an affinity with nature that was explained best in a really popular film. Ah, but which film? The Wicker Man? (nope, good guess as Wicca is the original name for a witch). I could keep you guessing but I'm boring myself now. It's Star Wars - the concept of The Force - everything holding an energy that can be felt and observed as an energy but only harnessed with an ability.

I do know witches and have been invited to join a number of covens (for a number of reasons I will not illucidate upon). I'm already considered a freak, which is okay as most peoples opinions hold no relevance to me.

However, visitors to Goth World may not want to know about witches so I'll stop now.

But, you have to laugh at the Online Etymology Dictionary which states a "possible connection to Gothic weihs "holy"

BWAHAHAHAHA *and some cackling in the background*

Three Not So Wise Men

A long time, in a galaxy far away, lived three wise men. Well, sort of. Firstly, they weren't so wise at all and spent most of their time completely stoned staring at the stars. "Dude, that totally looks like a giraffe" said one "No way dude, it's a camel" said another and the third one just spluttered out a cough as he had inhaled too deeply.

At some point, one of them claimed to have received a message from god, which is obviously completely ridiculous as mobile phones weren't even invented then. "The big man says we have to follow the shining light and we will see the son of god" said Bob the Not-so-Wise. "Oh fucking hell" said Arthur-the-Slightly-Idiotic "I bet that means we have to take presents and everything". "Guys" exclaimed Dylan-the-Retard "I think I can see the camel now" and took another long drag on the monster spliff they had been sharing.

So the three not so wise men arranged some taxis, which were actually camels as the car hadn't been invented then, loaded up their presents, and some clean underwear and some biscuits in case they got the munchies.

"Wait" said Bob, who was probably the wisest of the three "What are you guys taking as presents? I mean we totally don't want to piss god off - he might set fire to our beards or anything. I'm taking gold". "Aha" said Arthur "Well I've got this francincense stuff which is totally in fashion at the moment". "What's that?" asked Dylan to which Arthur could only reply "Er, I don't actually know but have a whiff" and thus the other two inhaled deeply.

Finally, it was Dylan's turn to reveal his gift to the son of god. "It's myrrh" he proudly exclaimed "I haven't got a clue what it is but Ali Baba at the all-night cave convinced me it was the dogs bollocks".

Once they had loaded everything on the camels, they set off to follow the shining light. Within hours they were completely lost and had to ask a passing merchant for help. They explained about their mission and following the light to which the merchant replied "That's the moon you idiots. The son of god is that way, just follow the signs for Messiah".

A few days later the three not-so-wise men arrived at the cosy little shed where the baby jesus was busy making halos around the animals heads. They presented their gifts to the grateful parents and explained that the child would become famous and lead mankind to a glorious future of peace and love. But first they explained that the family must flee the land as the evil nutter Herod was going to kill all the children.

After they left they stopped off for another spliff and as they sat around the fire, they marvelled as little sparks danced around. "Dude" said Bob the Not-so-Wise to Dylan "We should be proud that we have saved the son of god with our wise words and warnings" "Indeed." said Arthur "And Dylan you remembered the bit about the romans and the crucifixtion" to which Dylan-the-Retard inhaled really deeply before replying "Shit, I totally forgot about that bit".

What Motivates You?

It's a rather interesting question that has been posed to me and I have to say I am somewhat perplexed. Initially, it looked a harmless enough question until you actually try and answer it. The more you try and understand the question, the harder it becomes to answer.

My first reaction was to answer with a question. What motivates me about WHAT? However, that then leads off into areas of my psyche that I don't want to get into. My second reaction was to be cocky or flippant and answer 'gravity' but that is merely deflecting the issue rather than confronting it.

So, I sat down and started to think about what motivates me. These are the ideas that I came up with....

What motivates me to get up in the morning? The thought that I can make a positive change to someones life.
What motivates me to work? The principle that I can fix a system faster than anybody else and perhaps save another persons life in the process.
What motivates me to aspire to learn and educate myself? A desire for perfection that I know can never be achieved.
What motivates me to play guitar? A yearning to create pleasure for other people.

What does not motivate me would probably yield more answers. I am not motivated by money or power or a need to prove myself to anyone other than myself. I am my own harshest critic which may, or may not be a good thing.

Having written this, I now see that my first statement is actually not the correct answer. What motivates me most is ..... love. I would walk through fire for those that I love. I would sell my soul for those that I love. My entire 'raison d'etre' revolves around who I love.

So, there you go. The question is in your court now.

What Motivates You?

Mug That, Twat

Being Gothic, I am not a violent person by nature. If I sense agitation I move myself to the other side of the room, bar or country.

I don't like fighting for a reason, and it's not because it might chip my nail polish. I don't fight because I cannot control the rage inside me. I have tried Karate, Judo, Kung Fu, Kendo and other martial arts but none really allowed me to stop what will happen.

Guess what. It fucking happened again. I am not proud of myself at all, my knee hurts, I have teeth marks on my elbow and my beloved Mariposa worries about me when the doorbell rings - it might be the police.

Scenario

It's a birthday party for my best friend and his lover - I want to go but, there's a feeling that I should not. Not because I don't want to, but more a case of a feeling of impending doom. Fortunately, Mariposa has made other plans so I am on my own and don't have to protect her.

Party? Tremendous. Lots of very nice people having fun and being, well, generally nice. Everything goes in a splendidly fabtastic fashion but, I have to leave. I drink the Birthday Boys Jack Daniels, we hug (in a continetal, not gay way) and everything is super.

And so, off to the Metro I jolly well go.

*Except, it can't be that fucking easy*

First, it started with the 'give me a cigarette' thing. Not 'can I have a cigarette?' - that would be too polite although I suppose it didn't help when I said "Fuck off, I don't smoke" whilst smoking a cigarette. Anyway, suddenly it changed from cigarettes to money and the one became three.

They didn't want some money, they wanted all of it, and my phone and fuck knows what.

I lost it then.

Consequence

I still have all my money, my phone et al. I also have a very sore left leg, teeth marks on my right elbow, my right palm is sore and I am worrying that the police might be knocking on my door at any moment to arrest me.

The nice side of me sighs and says "I did warn you" whereas the Gothic side of me says "What are the cunts going to say? We were trying to mug someone and got our arses kicked".

Knowing Belgium, I'm still waiting for the bell to ring.

You Fucking Wanker

Yes, God, I'm talking to you. What is your fucking problem? If you are so great, why is everything so fucking shit? Having erection problems or something you fucking retard? (and before you fucking start you little religious hangers-on, fuck off and prove me different before criticising my opinion).

'But Man must learn through suffering and fortitude, the wisdom of godliness'. Yeah right - you didn't have to put up with that shit did you, sanctimonious pricks. Why can't people just be happy and do good things? Oh no, you have to create death and murder and rape and floods and falling trees and blocked sink holes and hurricanes and jam with bits in it and wasps, that do fuck all except sting people for no reason.

What the fuck was on your Christmas list?

'Oh, I'd like a lot of little houses with pointy rooves and coloured windows and little people singing my praises'.

Wouldn't it have been easier to ask for nice things? Beauty and splendour and art and music (except jazz) and expression of opinions and thought-provoking discussions and wine and nice food. No. You had to show off and create shit things like hatred.

Creation - my arse. You were just bored and flaunting it. 'Look, I can create a planet and it will be full of stuff' and so apparently you did and most of it is a pile of shit.

Thus we mere mortals have to put up with the bullshit of Catholicism, religious wars and Songs of Fucking Praise. No wonder Lucifer fucked off - he probably thought 'Bloody hell - what a shit party this is'. According to the 'Men With Beards' it didn't actually 'go down' that way, it was more of a one-way conversation, which kind of figures.

So, my point is FUCK OFF GOD, you're shit and you know it so go and do something more interesting like, I don't know, anything except fucking with this planet that I call home.

Swiss Army Knives

And so, the country of Switzerland, came up with a brilliant idea. "Ve vill incorporate all ze veapons into eine kleine tool" (in a fake German type accent). Thus, the world became aware of the Swiss Army knife. They entered into their first battle and said "Bevare, ve haben ze dangerous weapon" and the enemy said "But we have guns and tanks and rockets and..." to which the Swiss replied "We are so sorry, we are neutral and cannot condone wars of any kind" and ran away quickly to invent Heidi.

My father had one of these 'Swiss Army Knives' and to be honest, it was a piece of shit. He tried to impress me as an adult tries to do by saying "Look, this implement is like a saw and I will saw the branch off this tree in no time at all" - half an hour later and with less wood chippings than you could make with a decent pencil sharpener, he gave up. "Go and fetch me the axe son, this bastards pissing me off now".

Didn't give up though, Goth bless him... "But look" he insisted "It has a magnifying glass that makes small things seem really big". I looked and then replied "But can it burn ants though?". "Erm, I'll just try it and see" he said and it was far less efficient than two glass bottles held at the correct angle.

"But it has a screwdriver implement that means you can undo screws like this one and OW YOU FUCKING TWAT" he exclaimed as the implement snapped back against his finger. After he had finished swearing, I asked him to demonstrate the 'tweezer' implement. Always entertaining, as it was about as much use as a pair of chopsticks and some sellotape against a vampire.

Other various implements included knives that could cut through paper, as if it were made of wood. A can opener that could open cans made from cardboard oh and a corkscrew that doesn't work any better than a decent screwdriver with a hard smack.

"The toothpick thing works though" he said, as if that proved the worth of the tool. "And one day, all of this will be yours".

"Hmmm" I replied "No wonder Switzerland is so fucking boring"

I'm sure there are some others I missed out but I'm not exactly worried about Switzerland invading me anytime in the near future.....

You Fucking Muppet Lawmakers

Everyone knows of some stupid law that still exists whether still in force from a bygone era or just because the people making the laws were complete anal retards. Let's face it, the silly book started it with some classics but as tomorrows post is related to the Big Book of Bullshit, I shall refrain from quoting any today. Instead, here are a few of the other juicy ones I have found - none of which apply in Goth World....

• Alabama: Use of motor boats forbidden on city streets - (seems a nice trick if you could do it)
• Alaska: It is forbidden to push a moose out of a plane in motion - (what if he has a parachute though?)
• L.A.: If robbing a bank, shooting at the teller with a water gun is prohibited - (bound to happen)
• Georgia: It is a misdemeanour for any citizen to attend church worship on Sunday unless he is equipped with a rifle and it is loaded - (I'm moving there !!)
• Illinois: No monster may enter the city limits - (that's why they don't have a Vampires R Us)
• Maine: Illegal to bite the landlord, no matter how much he deserves it - (hee hee)
• Oklahoma: Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state - (in a land-locked state - long range harpoons I suppose)
• Canada: It is illegal to set fire to the wooden leg of a wooden legged man - (spoil all the fun, bastards)
• Canada: You may not swear in French - (didn't want to anyway)
• Ireland: It is illegal for a student to walk through Trinity College without a sword - (make for some good arguments then)
• England: With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday - (WTF is so good about carrots?)
• England: You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight - (bastards)
• England: Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow - (consistent bastards though)
• Scotland: It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow - (presume that excludes spouses)
• Australia: It is illegal to dress up as batman - (fancy dress party fucked then)
• Belgium: A driver who needs to turn through oncoming traffic has the right of way unless he slows down or stops - (see that one in action every day)
• France: Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of music on the radio must be by French artists - (but it's shit)
• Israel: It is illegal for a chicken to lay an egg on a Friday or Saturday - (time to get the corks out, or in even)

Feel free to add to the list.....

Number 13

A number that is considered unlucky by a lot of cultures, especially Friday the 13th. First, let's get the fact out of the way that it was originally the day on which the Knights Templar were condemned and slaughtered in a pact between the King of France (twat) and the pope (pontificating twat). This effectively disposed all of all opposition to the catholic church (collective twats).

Now, for other interesting 'facts' about the number 13.....

In Tarot decks, the 13th card of the Major Arcana is Death (hooray, he gets his own card)

There were 13 people at the Last Supper of jesus (which is bullshit because Mary got airbrushed out)

13 is considered unlucky as a person can count from 1-12 with their 10 fingers and 2 feet, but not beyond that, so the number 13 is unknown (who came up with this bullshit? they can't count toes then, or their dick or anything else?)

The number 13 was stricken from the clock, because the time 13:37 is hallowed (bit fucked when the 24-hour clock came out then.... beware digital watches, they are the work of the Devil !!!)

Some streets do not contain a house number 13 (especially not ones with less than 12 houses on it as that would be stupid)

Apollo 13 was an unlucky space flight which nearly ended in disaster (had nothing to do with shit planning by NASA at all)

The number of original states in the United States of.... was 13 (now that's fucking unlucky as they needed to expand)

There were 13 Plutonium slugs in 'Fat Man', the atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki (unlucky if you were anywhere near at the time)

There are traditionally thirteen steps leading up to a gallows (which they no longer have as they were a pain in the neck)

There are 13 full moons in a normal year (which means you have 13 chances to get attacked by a werewolf every year)

Please feel free to add you comments on the number 13 - can be anything you would like, such as, if you rotate 13 90 degrees to the left it looks like eggs on toast, but if you rotate 13 90 degrees to the right it looks like a crap bra....

The Ten Irrelevant Words Post

(Prompted by JG, this post contains 10 words that have been super-glued together into a coherrent post, or not, but you can try and guess what the words are if you want).

*The Scene - another argument between God and Satan - usual shit really*

G - "So, I have invented this new thing, and it's called a banana and I will hang it on trees and the monkeys will be happy as they can eat them"
S - "They're a bit bent aren't they - the European Union will never go for these"
G - "They will too, and they're better than passion fruit and Man can use the skins to play practical jokes"
S - "But they're healthy and full of fibre, they will make Man poo in solid lumps"
G - "May not, as I have also invented farting, whereby Man can omit gas without following through"
S - "I know what flatulence is you over-rated hippy and it was my idea first"
G - "Was not. I am god, and I'm omnipotent and stuff"
S - "Oy yeah, and what about churches then, you invented them too"
G - "Alright, I fucked up a bit with the religion thing but Man can be Christian or Hindu or Muslim or anything"
S - "So how are your going to sell the banana idea to the Muslims then?"
G - "They too can benefit from the goodness of my new fruit"
S - "But what about Ramadan - didn't think of the Muslims there did you clever pants?"
G - "I did too, and they can stash the bananas in their underpants and eat them under the duvet when no-one is looking"
S - "Ah ha - but what about the undercover police? smartarse"
G - "Tits - alright I forgot that bit but I can set fire to a bush and warn them"
S - "Set a fire in the bush, in the bed?"
G - "What? You don't think it will work this time?"
S - "Arson again? What happens if they have already farted, bearing in mind gas is combustible?"
G - "Bollocks - ok, what if I also make the bananas like a laxative"
S - "That's bloody brilliant - so now Man can poo in his bed?"
G - "Oh for fuck's sake - it's only a bloody fruit"
S - "Don't take it out on me you twat, it was your bloody idea"
G - "Can't I invent anything without you taking the piss?"
S - "Probably, but when you come up with shit ideas, you're asking for it really"
G - "I will smite you and banish you from heaven"
S - "Fine - same time tomorrow then?"
G - "Indeed, but don't forget it's that barbeque thing so you bring the roasted meat and I'll sort out the beers"
S - "No worries matey, catch you on the flip side"
G - "Later dude"
*God thinks* Fuck, I liked the banana idea ......*disappears in a puff of smoke*

Funeral Song

It's a bit of a bizarre one this but, as I was watching Love Actually again, trying to touch my feminine side, as you do, there was a scene at a funeral where the dead person says goodbye via a video 'montage' with the 'Bay City Rollers - Bye Bye Baby' as the soundtrack.

Now I have actually been to a number of funerals, where the dead ones had requested that a particular song to be played. Strange, but not unusual (in a Tom Jones sort of way). You're dead - you don't have to listen to the shit anyway.

It did not surprise me at all to find out that Frank Sinatra's - My Way was the most requested song at funerals. I mean, to hear Old Blue Eyes burbling on about "The end is near...blah, blah, my way, blah, blah" - yeah, what a fitting send off that is (he said sarcastically).

BUT, this was 10 years ago now and now I find out Frank has been replaced by some dirge from James Blunt, whose surname rhymes with a word that I would use to describe him - and yes, it begins with a 'C'.

Curiosity killed the twat and so I looked for the top ten songs most requested at funerals (being Gothic and stuff) - and here they are (some are obvious, some not so obvious):

1. Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt
2. Angels, Robbie Williams
3. I've Had the Time of My Life, Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley
4. Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler
5. Pie Jesu, Requiem
6. Candle in the Wind, Elton John
7. With or Without You, U2
8. Tears from Heaven, Eric Clapton
9. Every Breath You Take, The Police
10. Unchained Melody, Righteous Brothers

Then I started thinking, if I had to pick a song as my carcass burned and people laughed, what would I want the song in the background to be? It took awhile to narrow it down to one track but it would be:

The End - The Doors

So what would your choice be?