sábado, mayo 26, 2007

Jazz Fucking Sucks

This should be obvious to anyone on the planet, apart from those weirdos who say boring, twatty things like "groovy". It's not fucking groovy, it's shit. What is so 'groovy' about 4 people playing different songs at the same time? Fuck all.

I know this because I had to listen to the shite yesterday. I got a call from the lovely Zoe and her Twat asking where I was - oops, I'd forgotten to meet them on the Grand Place and so I hurredly jumped on the Metro to get there. Hooray - got there in time to be surrounded by weirdos in sandals and socks grooving to fucking jazz.

Apparently, there's a 3 day festival on jazz. It's free obviously. They couldn't charge for this shit. Who would pay to listen to this appalling wall of sound? Wankers in Brazil shirts it seems. There was also this cunt dressed like a sidekick from Hawaii 5-O who had mislaid his surfboard somewhere.

Poor old Q (the Twat) was getting most perturbed. "If they play this song again...." he announced really loudly - so the fuckers did, and again, and again, and again - in different keys like that made it a new song.

I don't like guns, at all, ever, but boy, did I wish I had one.

Every so often, I applauded hoping they would go away. Shit didn't work. I even cheered when the police went on stage - they have guns. Oh no, they were just leaving a message in a bottle - bastards.

Eventually, we escaped. Shocked by the cacophony of idiots, we were forced to drink beer.....lots of beer. I tried to get a free T-shirt to prove I had been there, or rather to ensure I didn't have to return but the wankers turned me down on that too.

So, if you like jazz - I hate you. AND, if you turned up on my site via Google on some pissy search about jazz. Good - hope you feel as miserable now as I did yesterday. No jazz here so fuck off and do something more interesting like die.

*wanders off to listen to proper music*

21 comentarios:

The Aunt dijo...

In Defence of Jazz

I LOVE jazz. Especially the bit where they all play different songs at once. Freeform acid? A seared-edged high in which you leave the day's cares behind and focus on the one issue of understanding the precession of the form, something women rarely do because they're too busy multitasking which is why instrumental jazz is generally a man's game. It's like suddenly understanding a piece of complex maths, or playing chess against a good opponent, or reading a text in a language you barely speak.

To listen to jazz is to surf along a soliton wave of delighted, dawning comprehension. I take mine with a bourbon chaser.

I can't get anyone to come to listen to it with me. Your post explains why.

Mr. X dijo...

When live Jazz is good, it REALLY good. Regretfully this doesn't happen very often at all, as they're all intent on paying their own songs and not the one they're supposed to.

Still it's better than f**cking Country any day. (Should that be Cunt-try?)

*Puts on Judas Priest and turns up volume*

PI dijo...

What is it about jazz that gets up people's noses. In the forties and fifties I remember being mesmerized listening to certain stars on the wireless. So the things I remember with nostalgia I still like but I agree a lot of it is just cacaphony.
Did you not have an idea of what you were going to see? Silly boy!
I blame Q!

Tippler dijo...

I may have to change my moniker to 'Hep Cat' just to piss you off.

By a not particlularly extraordinary non-coincidence my post today is about the 40th anniversary of the release of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Which, er, isn't jazz...

Thank fook.

zoe dijo...

i actually like jazz - the sort that pat remembers and listens to, but these days it's rubbish. you forgot to mention that it was chris rea who was really doing our heads in, although Q did go and tell the guys to turn it off.

to no avail.

and you were supposed to get 2 tshirts.

and i had a miserable time too.

meh.

Brom dijo...

Jazz is great. It sounds as if you can play just what you like, when you like. Scales! haha.

In truth it's extremely complicated and difficult to master.

It's up to you if you like it or not. I have to be in the mood.

Timbo dijo...

No, I'm with you Goth - Jazz is total complete and utter bollock gnashing shite.

Honestly, death's too good for it (not that I think Jazz can be 'killed' as such, but I'd like to give it a bloody good go).

SpanishGoth dijo...

Aunty M -> I was warned by Zed when I mentioned creating this post that you might be offended, being a jazz fan ;-)

Mr X -> oooo don't get me started on country - some fucking loser warbled about their divorced dog that jumped off a bridge. Fuck off, I pushed the mangy twat over the side

Pat -> do remember dear that I am actually a musician so I recognise talent when I hear it - yesterday, it was persistent in it's abscence

Tippler -> sorry, Hep Cat - does that mean you'll have a gang of funksters like Top Cat did?

Zoe -> no it was that fucker in the dodgy shirt that was pissing me off, although Chris Rhea wasn't helping

Brom -> jazz musicians are amongst the best ever, but also can be the worst ever

Timbo -> LMFAO - eloquently put sir

Princess of the Universe dijo...

I don't get jazz- like you, I find that it's all just the same song slighly changed over and over.
I don't mind the "pop-py" jazz singers like Michael Buble and Norah Jones...

And "groovy" is just part of my normal vocabulary. Is that wrong?

Peach dijo...

geeeeeeerooooooooooovy baby


*wanders off to play a cool Coltrane number just itching to be played loud and 'specially for SG*

Lynx dijo...

I've got to confess to being a jazz lover myself. I am still unsure about "modern" jazz, which at times just sounds like everyone is warming up separately; but I love the really old stuff. I think the best present I ever gave my Mum was taking her to see Chris Barber's Jazzband, who were great.

I also have to confess that Country music is growing on me (I know, shoot me now!). It's not all doom and gloom you know, what about "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"?

Honey dijo...

I love Jazz, we hung out at the Jazz station for the jazz marathon, shame it means you hate me though, I think you are really lovely.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Princess -> the silly thing is, I do get jazz - I just hate the shit version of it

Peach -> Play it as loud as you want baby - I like Coltrane a lot

Lynx -> wow, welcome back but the Devil Went down to Georgia? Perlease. What next? duelling banjos?

Honey -> I don't hate you, I think you're wonderful. Looking forward to the breast of trees shots....

The Aunt dijo...

I'm not at all offended. Horses for courses.

a wanker in a brazil shirt dijo...

I'm not obsessed but my contention is that miles davis' flamenco sketches is the greatest piece of music ever created. Anyone who loves music without prejudice, must acknowledge its greatness.

PI dijo...

Sorry dear! I'm covered in honte. Slinks away - sheepishly.

Lynx dijo...

Goth, I've been lurking around in the undergoth. I don't get much time to comment at the moment. I've only ever seen duelling banjos played in Jumpin' Jaks, but as I had by then consumed large quantities of bacardi and coke (from little plastic buckets - it's a classy joint) I couldn't really tell you much about its artistic merit.

Anyway, I agree there are probably better examples of non-manic-depressive country music, maybe something by Dolly Parton?

To me, there are only two types of music in the world: Country, and Western! No, but seriously, there is good music and shit music, and we all place the boundary in slightly different places.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Aunty M -> Indeed, very much each to their own

M Brazilian -> as I have never listened to Miles Davies I couldn't comment but I'm fairly positive it had to be better than the rancid shit that was being played

Pat -> covered in honte? Is that like honey?

Lynx -> 'lurking in the undergoth' - I like that. As for boundaries, I think you may have agreed if you'd been subjected to what we heard...

PI dijo...

I think, in French, it's shame!

Mr Farty dijo...

Grrrrrrrrrreat! Oh, someone's beaten me to it as usual.

Country? I've been watching CMT (Country Music Telly) for the past three days. But only to drive the jazz out of my head...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Pat -> Honte, oui it's shame mais le miel c'est plus doux et plus sucre que la honte !

Mr Farty -> Shouldn't have been arsing about in Canada then should you, could have made the shite, sorry, jazz farcical