I hate daytime TV - it's just so bloody boring. Oh look, another programme about buying a house, doing up a house or clearing a house. Todays crappy offering, Cash in the Attic. The theory is sound enough - you're bored of all the shit cluttering up your house so you get some experts round to find things that are worth money and then sell them at auction.
Normally, the people have a good reason to raise the money and so it's entertaining. Not today. Todays couple of wrinklies were both ex-teachers who wanted to raise money so that, wait for it, so that he could go trogging across the moors. I'm not surprised she wanted to help - every instant away from him would be a blessing. I was sat there thinking, fucking hell - you're so boring I'd pay you to piss off.
Mariposa summed it up when the stated "I'd rather be deaf than have to listen to him speak again".
Every item scrutinised and valued was treated with "Oh no, I think it's worth much more than that". So why bother getting the experts in you sanctimonious twats? How are you ever going to learn anything if you know everything already?!
So on and on it went - I know I should have just changed the channel but we were sat their like rabbits in headlights waiting for the inevitable splat. I have nothing against teachers, I even went as far as sleeping with one but, I paid my dues so I shouldn't have to deal with one again.
By the end of the programme I had come up with the solution. I'm going to call the BBC and get them to come round and value my shit. Then when they ask the question "What are you hoping to raise money for?" I can respond - "On bear-traps, lots of them and then I'm going to spread them all over the moors".
"How much do you think you're going to need to raise?" - "Enough to catch me a boring retired teacher in comfortable clothes - now hurry up, it's hunting season".......
I wouldn't want to kill him, that's just evil but, I would lock him in a cage and throw board dusters at him - 'Come on city slicker, squeal like a pig'. How much do you think that's worth? Priceless.......